Smart Marriages®

Risk Factors / Hooking Up / Marriage Protection / Directory - 11/7/11

2011-11-07T19:42:00.000-05:00

- WHY DO EVEN SATISFIED NEWLYWEDS EVENTUALLY DIVORCE?
Lavner, Justin A.; Bradbury, Thomas N.
Journal of Family Psychology, Oct 31, 2011

Although divorce typically follows an extended period of unhappiness that begins early in marriage, some couples who are very happy throughout the first several years of marriage will also go on to divorce. This study aimed to identify risk factors early in marriage that distinguish initially satisfied couples who eventually divorce from those who remain married. We identified 136 couples reporting stably high levels of relationship satisfaction in the first 4 years of marriage. We compared the couples who went on to divorce by the 10-year follow-up with the couples who remained married on initial measures of commitment, observed communication, stress, and personality. Divorcing couples displayed more negative communication, emotion, and social support as newlyweds compared with couples who did not divorce. No significant differences were found in the other domains, in relationship satisfaction, or in positive behaviors. Overall, results indicate that even couples who are very successful at navigating the early years of marriage can be vulnerable to later dissolution if their interpersonal exchanges are poorly regulated. We speculate that, paradoxically, the many strengths possessed by these couples may mask their potent interpersonal liabilities, posing challenges for educational interventions designed to help these couples.

http://tinyurl.com/cj2kpg2
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- SIGN OF THE TIMES

Instead of Smart Marriages, there’s this blog: HookingUpSmart.com.......

Gotta admit I loved the video posted today of the little boys whose mom told them she ate all their Halloween candy – they’re featured as Young Alpha Males. Check it out:
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/

But, back to the point. This blog was created by a mom to try to help her teen girls navigate in today’s HookUp world.

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- ANOTHER SIGN OF THE TIMES: RELATIONSHIP STATUS UPDATES

Granted, this is unscientific but still interesting. Even in these jaded times and the Hook Up – Social Media culture,
75% of respondents still believe there is ONE true soulmate for every person.

http://blog.lab42.com/the-relationship-status-update
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- FOUR DECISIONS HEALTHY COUPLES MAKE
Learning to make advance decisions can be one of the best strategies for protecting your marriage and keeping it a priority.
http://tinyurl.com/763ebz5
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- THE DIRECTORY
I’ve been getting emails from folks who are concerned that they missed the invoice for the 2012 Directory listings. I’ve not sent them. Hope to get them out this month. In meantime, it is fine to send me your updated schedules. So many couples looking for classes in these economic hard times.

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- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

A Surplus of Positivity equals Getting More / Marriage begets Consumers / FREE Webinar - 10/26/11

2011-10-26T23:22:00.001-04:00

- If you want more sex, be nice!
- Marriage Matters: Secrets of a strong economy
- FREE NEGOTIATION WEBINAR BY STEVEN STOSNY
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- If you want more sex, be nice!
October 20th, 2011
The Chart
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

Earlier this year, eminent marriage therapist John Gottman released a new book titled The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. While you may not recognize Gottman by name, you may be aware of his work via Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink.

In that bestseller, readers were introduced to Gottman’s knack for thin-slicing a couple based upon a few minutes of observation, and determining, with incredible accuracy, whether they would succeed or fail in their marriage.

So what’s the secret of relationship success? Based upon his work with couples, as well as statistical analysis, Gottman has determined that, “It’s the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that determines its well-being - whether the good moments of mutual pleasure, passion, humor, support, kindness, and generosity outweigh the bad moments of complaining, criticism, anger, disgust, contempt, defensiveness, and coldness.”

Those couples that succeed in their marriages enjoy an overriding proportion of positive over negative sentiment.

But how do you ensure that? “All couples, happy and unhappy, have conflict,” writes Gottman, “but the ratio of positive to negative interactions during arguments is a critical factor.” He has proposed that this ratio should, ideally, be 5 to 1.

While it’s impossible to go through life tallying positive versus negative interactions, it is possible to determine intuitively whether your relationship is generally in the positive, or tending more toward the negative. And then you can change it.

I often advise couples to get in the 5-to1 zone, and it’s one of those pieces of simple advice that I often remind myself to practice in my own marriage. It isn’t easy to maintain a surplus of positivity, but it is possible.

In his latest book, Gottman encourages couples to cultivate emotional attunement through awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy.

“Boiling down the richly complex body of work described in the book to one sentence, Gottman’s point is that trust is made of people believing that their partners will be nice, that the partner will make an effort to make life better for you,” writes sex educator Emily Nagoski in her intellectually vivacious blog, Sex Nerd .

So there you have it - it all comes down to the “power of nice.” While many men like to complain that nice guys often finish last, it would seem that couples that are nice to each other tend to last the longest.

So why is it often so darn hard to be nice to our partners? Or why do we often end up being nice to everyone except the ones we hold closest? Why is nice so elusive?

“Maybe you plain old don’t know how to be nice. Maybe in your family of origin, people just weren’t nice to each other, so you never learned that skill. Or maybe you didn’t learn rules of Being Nice that are compatible with the rules your partner learned,” writes Nagoski.

“The hardest possibility is that you are your partner have been sucked into a dynamic of retaliation - you’re like Israel and Palestine, where neither one can be the first NOT to retaliate.”

Gottman argues that it’s hard to be emotionally attuned to your partner when you’re stressed out, which so many of us are today. Stress hijacks our brains and makes it hard for us to feel anything other than anxious or panicked. Stress creates a state of emotional triage, one that pushes nice to the wayside.

I’ve also found that many couples are used to operating in states of highs and lows - a sort of relationship manic-depression - but are unable to carve out a middle ground. But nice requires that in-between state. Nice takes time, patience, and effort.

”When people are angry and hurt, they get into a different physiological state, with heightened awareness of potential threats and diminished capacity for empathy and creative problem solving,” says Nagoski.

“They stop seeing the positive and start attributing negative personality traits to their partner, to explain the problems in the relationship. In their minds, their partner develops a reputation as untrustworthy. Contempt builds. And the whole thing spirals.”

So are you being nice enough to your partner? Are you in the 5-to1 zone? If not, maybe it is time to start counting interactions. A little “nice” goes a long way.
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- Marriage Matters: Secrets of a strong economy
James and Audora Burg
Sturgis Journal
Oct 9, 2011

Want to fix the national, even the global, economy? Fix the family.

This is a marriage column, not an economics forum, but sometimes the two categories overlap in surprising ways. Most recently this overlap is highlighted because of a new report “The Sustainable Demographic Dividend: What Do Marriage and Fertility Have To Do With the Economy?” issued by the National Marriage Project at University of Virginia.

Specifically, seven economic sectors – child care, life insurance and personal insurance, household products and services, health care, food, home maintenance and services, and pets and toys -- experience growth directly linked to people getting married and having children and also suffer when marriage and fertility rates fall.

It’s not the change in the fertility rate alone, but how close a country’s rate is to the “replacement rate” of 2.1 children per woman, the minimum level for sustaining a population over time.

So on this basis, the report notes a number of the world’s leading economies either currently are or soon will be facing “major demographic challenges,” including Japan, Greece, Italy, and China because their fertility rates have or soon will fall below the replacement rate.

But there’s a bigger-picture component to the link between economies and marriage/fertility that goes beyond individual economic sectors. According to Brad Wilcox, the report’s lead researcher, economies are dependent on strong families for three key reasons: families provide a future customer base, supply future workers with the required “human and social capital,” and give men “an incentive to work harder in the labor force.”

And while that may sound like the “man brings home the bacon” kind of sexist comment, research over time has demonstrated that married men consistently make more money than single men.

So according to the National Marriage Project’s report, our apparently flippant remark, “fix the family,” is indeed the long-term solution to economic health on both the national and international scales.

In “The Empty Cradle,” an article released in conjunction with the Sustainable Demographic Dividend report, the researchers note “Sustainable families don’t just reproduce themselves; they also raise the next generation with the requisite virtues and human capital to flourish as adult citizens, employees, and consumers.”

The fix is obviously not as simple as having cohabiting couples get a marriage license. As we noted a couple of years ago, other reports have suggested that the national cost of divorce is $28 billion a year. So the trick is in developing healthy marriages, not just marriages.
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- FREE NEGOTIATION WEBINAR BY STEVEN STOSNY
This one will definitely help you increase your NICE & help you beget more future Consumers.
This Sunday, Oct 30, 2pm EST
Negotiating for resentment-free behavior change in modern intimate relationships isn't easy!
Successful negotiation has more to do with self-regulation than what you say.
Learn how negotiation is superior to the alternative ways of seeking behavior change in partners.
To register: https://www1.gotomeeting.com/register/591273185

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- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

The Woman Who Saved Marriage/2nd Act/ 50th Tribute/ NARME Dates/ Alabama Grant - 10/25/11

2011-10-26T15:20:00.001-04:00

- The Woman Who Saved Marriage
- THE SECOND ACT
- 50th Wedding Anniversary Tribute
- Save the Dates: NARME 2012 CONFERENCE: BALTIMORE, JULY 20-25
- Grant brings big money to college

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Dear Ones,

I’ve been away for 2+ weeks and returned to over a thousand emails one of which (posted below) perked me up – though not so sure we can say we’ve “saved marriage.” We shall see....
In any case, my thanks to Susan Heitler for such a nice tribute and also to all of you who forwarded it to me and added your own quite fulsome praise. I am also encouraged by the dozens of emails from folks looking for Marriage Education classes. People visit the Smart Marriages website and read about the wonders of marriage education, and then, naturally, want to take a Marriage Education class. That’s a good thing though the fact that many still mention that their marriage counselor has suggested they separate makes me nuts. I’m also dismayed when I can’t direct those who are inquiring to classes in their cities – sometimes not even in their states. If you’re teaching a class, please list it on the Directory. Or, if you’re teaching online or by phone, many couples are in locations where we have no coverage and would appreciate an at-a-distance marriage education opportunity. Here’s the at-a-distance section:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms#type_11
Get thee listed. And, maybe I should also say, get your program online. - diane

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- The Woman Who Saved Marriage
Diane Sollee launched marriage education and stopped the divorce epidemic.
October 21, 2011 by Susan Heitler, Ph.D
http://tinyurl.com/3efzlsc
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- THE SECOND ACT
I’m told that the website I included in the post about the Second Act Divorce Reforem proposal for state legislation, has no info about it. Find that info here: http://americanvalues.org/secondchances

Also, you can get an audio, video or transcript of the Bill Doherty/Leah Sears Second Act event at Brookings here:
http://www.brookings.edu/events/2011/1021_divorce.aspx

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- 50th Wedding Anniversary Tribute
Part of my trip involved attending the 50th anniversary of my daughter-in-law’s parents. Here are her remarks at their vow-renewal celebration. You can see that she used the Smart Marriages’ quotes page, which anyone can do:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.quotes.html. But she’s done the work and did a great job (there wasn’t a dry eye in the house) so I’lll share it as it might make it easier for the rest of you (IF you get so lucky as to host a 50th celebration!) - diane

Hi – I’m Margie, and my sisters, Georgia and Jaime, and I want to welcome you all and thank you for coming today. We realize there are two very important football games going on right now; and we are happy you chose to spend the afternoon with us to celebrate our parents 50th wedding anniversary.

I’ll start by stealing a quote from my mother-in-law, Diane Sollee, sitting right over there: “Any fool can have a trophy wife, but it takes a real man to have a trophy marriage.” I think my dad lucked out and got both – a trophy wife and a trophy marriage. 50 years – holy cow. That’s really hard to imagine.

Most of you probably don’t know that not only have my parents been married 50 years, but they have been together since they were 13 and 15 years old. My mother has never had another boyfriend besides my dad. When my sisters and I were younger, that fact really grossed us out – and we still find it a little suspect. I mean “Mom, really? – No other boyfriend?” I look at my son and daughter who are almost 16 and my niece who is 14, and I cannot imagine them pairing up for life. It’s even difficult to imagine for my 20-year-old nephew. But, I suppose things were different then; and when you find the love of your life you stick with that person. I guess we should all be that lucky.

Way back 50 years ago, everyone got married. It’s what you did. No questions asked. Today, not so much. So you might ask, why do we get married? What’s the use? Because, we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on this planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time, every day. You are saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.”

So how do you make it to 50 years? Well in our household the answer to that question was hunting and fishing. Every weekend while we were growing up, our dad would leave on Saturday morning for a hunting or fishing trip. The four girls would get up and watch Style with Elsa Klensch on CNN. Then we would clean house, take showers and go shopping for the day – a little female bonding. On Sunday afternoon, dad would return, and the family would be whole again. So, my tip to all you newly-marrieds is – find something you enjoy doing apart. Do that thing, then come back together. It certainly worked for my parents.

We often hear people say, “Is there anything more beautiful than a young couple clasping hands, in love on the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?” And the answer is, "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant. Their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. That thing is old love."

Let’s welcome my parents.

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- Save the Dates: NARME 2012 CONFERENCE: BALTIMORE, JULY 20-25
For details, http://www.narme.org/portal2/
See NARME Links and Clips updated daily at http://scoop.it/t/narme

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- Grant brings big money to college
Anna Claire Conrad
The Auburn Plainsman
Oct 20, 2011

(Thought you might find it interesting to read about one of the Marriage Grant recipients in some detail and cheer them on for their progress. Bravo to this team. - diane)

Auburn’s College of Human Sciences has been endowed with a three-year, $7.5 million grant to continue the promotion of the Alabama Healthy Marriage and Relationship Education Initiative.

“Since 2006, we had a five-year, $9.2 million grant,” said Roberta Jackel, project manager for the AHMREI. “When this grant transpired, we applied for and was appropriated this new, three-year federal grant through the Department of Health and Human Services.”

Jackel said this grant will be used to fund healthy relationship and marriage education programs throughout Alabama.

“We will host a series of classes that will be taught here in Lee County,” Jackel said. “Previously, through our last grant, these classes were only taught by 10 partners scattered around the state.”

Francesca Adler-Baeder, professor of human development and family studies and project director of the AHMREI, said these classes will be free because of the grant.

Adler-Baeder also emphasized these programs are an educational outreach resource at the community’s disposal to better their marriages and relationships, and they are in no way counseling sessions or interventions.

“We believe that healthy relationship skills can be taught and that people can learn better communication, conflict resolution and parenting skills through these educational workshops,” Jackel said.

Rachel Parham, recent Auburn graduate in human development and family studies, said the people who attend these classes thoroughly enjoy the program, and, based on past progress, Lee County will greatly benefit from this initiative.

“For these next three years we will be providing on-campus educational programs on maintaining healthy relationships,” Adler-Baeder said. “These classes will be made available through the continuing education program and, perhaps, on different locations throughout the University.”

Jackel said Alabama has historically had a high divorce rate.

Adler-Baeder said when this organization first began its educational initiative in 2006, Alabama was ranked as the state with the fifth-highest divorce rate.

“Since then, Alabama has dropped five places and is now ranked as the state with the 10th highest divorce rate,” Adler-Baider said. “It’s these results and the individual results we witness firsthand with our participants that motivates us to continue this initiative.”

Parham said conflict within a marriage affects the entire family dynamic.

“The children of the couples who attend these classes end up being happier and more well-behaved because they see that the example their parents are setting for them,” Parham said.

Adler-Baeder said she looks forward to the Auburn community getting involved.

“We’ve seen through past programs with different junior high and high schools around the area that the peers-teaching-peers method has helped our clients immensely and that teens tend to learn better from a demographic they can relate to,” Parham said.

The Second Chances Act: Delaying Divorces

2011-10-26T15:18:00.001-04:00

If anyone is looking for a noble cause with which to get involved, here¹s
one. Work to get this legislation passed in your state.
http://mncouplesonthebrink.org

Opinions
Delaying divorce to save marriages: The Second Chances Act
The Washington Post
By William J. Doherty and Leah Ward Sears
October 20, 2011

Conventional wisdom holds that about half of U.S. marriages end in divorce ‹
and that most Americans wish the divorce rate were lower. Still, many are
skeptical about whether we can lower the divorce rate without trapping more
people in bad marriages.

This skepticism is fueled by two common assumptions: Divorce happens only
after a long process of misery and conflict; and, once couples file for
divorce, they don¹t entertain the idea of reconciling.

We now know those assumptions are wrong.

Research over the past decade has shown that a major share of divorces (50
to 66 percent, depending on the study) occur between couples who had average
happiness and low levels of conflict in the years before the divorce.

Contrary to popular belief, only a minority of divorcing couples experience
high conflict and abuse during their marriages. Most divorces occur with
couples who have drifted apart and handle everyday disagreements poorly. It
is these ³average² divorces that research shows are the most harmful to
children.

In their study documenting the difference between high conflict and average
divorces, sociologists Paul Amato and Alan Booth offer this promising
conclusion: ³Our results suggest that divorces with the greatest potential
to harm children occur in marriages that have the greatest potential for
reconciliation.²

But do any parents already in the divorce process still want to save their
marriages?

William J. Doherty and his team of researchers asked 2,500 divorcing parents
in Minnesota who were well along in that process whether they were
interested in services to help them reconcile. In at least 10 percent of
these divorce cases, both spouses were open to efforts to reconcile ‹ and in
another 30 percent, one spouse was interested in reconciliation. Results for
couples earlier in the divorce process were even more promising.

In other words, a substantial number of today¹s divorces may be preventable.

Why does this matter?

As a longtime jurist, Leah Ward Sears held a front-row seat in witnessing
how family fragmentation affects children. She saw the overwhelming anger,
depression and grief that plague children when their parents are splitting
up. Her concerns grew as she also noticed links between divorce and poverty,
divorce and juvenile delinquency, divorce and mental health illnesses, and
even divorce and violent crimes. Even a modest reduction in divorce could
benefit more than 400,000 U.S. children each year.

Can we as a society do anything to support the marital union of these
children¹s parents, especially those interested in saving their marriages?

We propose a modest reform that U.S. state legislatures can enact: the
Second Chances Act, which combines a minimum, one-year waiting period for
divorce with education about the option of reconciliation.

With regard to waiting periods, there is considerable variation among
states. Forty-six states have waiting periods of six months or less,
including 10 states that have no waiting periods. No other Western nation
has waiting periods as short as the United States. In Western Europe,
three-year waiting periods are common.

A one-year waiting period would ensure that the law is not moving couples ‹
who are often at one of the most intense emotional periods of their lives ‹
more rapidly toward divorce than perhaps they intended or wanted.

Our proposal, which we plan to roll out to a few states and then pursue
nationally, would also require parents of minor children considering divorce
to take a short, pre-filing parenting education course. This education
component, which could be completed online, would include information on
reconciliation (along with resources for couples who choose to pursue that
course) and information on a non-adversarial approach to divorce. Forty-six
states already require some form of parenting classes for divorcing couples
with minor children, although most couples take the classes when they are
well along in the divorce process. Tragically, educators who teach these
classes report that some parents say such things as ³I wish I had known
these things when we first broke up.²

Empowering couples with this education before they divorce, combined with
information about the option of reconciliation, is a win-win situation: It
gives individuals a second chance for their marriages, and it gives everyone
‹ regardless of whether they pursue reconciliation ‹ a chance for a less
adversarial divorce process.

We are under no illusion that the Second Chances Act is a panacea for
lowering divorce rates. And we are certainly not advocating keeping
destructive marriages together. (Under our proposal, the waiting period can
be waived if there is abuse.) But we now know that a significant number of
divorces may be preventable. This modest reform could spare many couples and
children the pain of an unnecessary divorce.

William J. Doherty is a professor of family social science at the University
of Minnesota and director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project
http://mncouplesonthebrink.org . Leah Ward Sears, a partner at the law firm
of Schiff Hardin, was chief justice of the Georgia Supreme Court from 2005
to 2009. They are the authors of ³Second Chances: A Proposal to Reduce
Unnecessary Divorce.²
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ACF Announces $119 Million Marriage and Fatherhood Grants - 11/3/11

2011-10-03T23:22:00.001-04:00

ACF announces over $119 million in Grant Awards for Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood

For the complete list of grantees visit:
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/news/press/2011/Grantawards2011.html

The dollar amounts are per year and the grants are for three years.

You won’t be able to match all of the “locations” with the names of folks and organizations you would recognize from Smart Marriages, but here are some matched up to get you started: Auburn (Francesca Adler-Bader), Healthy Relationships California (Dennis Stoica), First Things First (Julie Baumgardner), Twogether Houston (Maggie Russell), Public Strategies (Mary Myrick), The Dibble Institute (Kay Reed), Sacramento Healthy Marriage Project (Carolyn Curtis), Center For Relationship Education (Joneen Krauth McKenzie), etc.

- diane

Divorce decision-making research / Divorce and Economics / Kuwait / Email Consults - 9/30/2011

2011-09-30T14:13:00.001-04:00

- SOME COUPLES PULL BACK FROM THE EDGE OF DIVORCE
- Couples: Look harder at the reasons for your split
- Divorcing couples open to second chances
- DIVORCE HAS IMMENSE IMPACT ON SMALL BUSINESSES
- THE FINE LINE BETWEEN MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
- STEVEN STOSNY ADDS EMAIL CONSULTS
- SMART MARRIAGES COALITION CONTRIBUTED TO DECREASE IN DIVORCE IN KUWAIT
______________________________________
- SOME COUPLES PULL BACK FROM THE EDGE OF DIVORCE
Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY
Sept 29, 2011

They were a few steps shy of divorce, separated and working out child custody, when Rick DeRosia of Hartford, N.Y., realized he wasn't so sure he really wanted a divorce.

He says his 16-year marriage had been shaky before the separation in 2009, when he told his wife, Tina, he wanted out. Their son and daughter were 13 and 11. And life in the midst of recession was also taking a toll.

"There wasn't any one event," says Rick DeRosia, 42. "It was several things over the years that started a downhill slide that never really came back up."

Divorce "was not really what I wanted," says Tina DeRosia, 38, but she thought he did. "I felt moving on was what I needed to do, but … should we try to do more? I thought about the effect it would have on my children."

The DeRosias, like so many couples, were teetering on the brink of divorce. The angst of such a major decision is very real. But little is known about how people actually decide — or why, like the DeRosias, they sometimes change their minds. New research offers the first inklings of understanding — and shows that there's uncertainty even among couples who have already filed for divorce.

Adding to the confusion is the financial reality that a split is expensive. Census data released last week suggest that the economy has indeed caused a dip in divorce. Some experts predict a divorce explosion when the economy improves, but others say the recession may keep some together long enough to work it out.

"There's a whole lot more ambivalence out there than any of us ever thought," says psychologist William Doherty, a marriage and family therapist and professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. He'll present results of his survey in Washington next month, expanding on his research published last spring.

Frank and Julie LaBoda of Cross Plains, Wis., were just weeks from a divorce decree that would have ended the marriage that began Aug. 7, 1992. "All that fun stuff was gone," says Frank LaBoda, 46, a transportation operations manager, who says his wife was so busy with the kids that he started spending more time with the guys. Then he had an affair and moved out for six months. That was in 1996.

"We tried to put it back together after the affair, but it was ugly," says Julie LaBoda, 44, a dental assistant.

Two years later, she filed for divorce, and they separated for another six months. But they opted for a last-ditch marriage weekend that they say saved their relationship.

'Forgiveness and hope'

"We found out that forgiveness and hope was possible and that people can and do change. We saw real-life examples of people who shared stories with us. Frank changed his behavior drastically, and I'm quite sure I changed my attitude," she says. "But it was a process to get through it — a good, solid two to five years." In 2000, they had a third child; their fourth daughter was born in 2002.

Doherty's survey of 2,484 parents who filed for divorce in Minnesota offers new insight into how people decide whether to call it quits or try again. About a quarter of those surveyed thought there was still hope for the marriage; in 12% of a subset of 329 couples, both partners independently indicated interest in reconciliation.

Additional surveys in 2009-10 of 886 Minnesotans who filed for divorce dug deeper into contributing factors. "Growing apart" was the top reason, cited by 55%, followed by "not able to talk together" (53%). Infidelity was cited by 34%, the same percentage who cited "not enough attention."

Doherty says lack of attention from one's spouse and in-law problems were among reasons associated with partners thinking the marriage could be saved. Also, infidelity wasn't a factor in whether someone was open to reconciliation, he says. . . . .

Doherty says marriage today involves expectations of more gender equality than in the past. "We expect so much out of marriage, but we haven't prepared people for the skills that are necessary for the kind of marriages that we want now.". . .

They went to classes to bolster communication and conflict resolution, which she says helped when their home went into foreclosure. . . .

Every Other Weekend, a Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney song about the kid trade-off, brought them back together, he says. "I had the song on the radio and asked her if she would take me back," he says. "I don't know if that time apart was necessary for me to realize it, but I had more fun with her that week than I had in years. I realized I wanted to try again."

USA Today Sidebar:
- Couples: Look harder at the reasons for your split
William Doherty, a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, and professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, says there are “hard reasons” and “soft reasons” couples split up.

“Is this an intolerable situation? Chronic affairs, chemical dependency, gambling — those are the kinds of hard reasons,” he says. “The person is not willing to change. They have a drinking problem and won’t get it fixed. They’re gambling the family money away and won’t get help. If somebody won’t work with you on that, then you have to go. Nobody should have to live this way.”

“Soft reasons,” Doherty says, include “general unhappiness and dissatisfaction, such as growing apart and not communicating.”

If your reasons are in this category, he says, “you probably have a lot to gain from slowing down and seeing if you can get those things fixed. The majority of people get divorced for the soft reasons that they’ll turn into hard reasons.”

Marriage is a “very high-skilled activity,” says Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver. “If your marriage is failing, make the assumption your skill set is insufficient.”

She advises couples to take a fresh look at themselves and get creative about new ways to be a better marriage partner. “Let go of their preoccupation with what the other person did that was so terrible and switch to ‘What could I do that might make this marriage work better for me?’” she says.

If you’ve been issuing complaint after complaint, “flip to only giving compliments, so you have to focus on what you like about the other person instead of constantly shooting the other person down.”

If both parties “will each take personal responsibility and focus on their own skills upgrade, the whole picture turns around. Even one person can turn the marriage around,” she says.

Doherty says people shouldn’t divorce unless “they have sought good help” for their marriage, which might include getting a second opinion. “If you don’t feel after a few sessions that you’re getting help, look elsewhere,” he says.

“As a culture, we should consider it irresponsible to end a marriage, particularly one with children, unless that couple has gone all out to get help,” Doherty says.

The full article: http://tinyurl.com/44ggz49

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- Divorcing couples open to second chances
Jeremy Olson
September 29, 2011

"Marriage-friendly" therapist William Doherty of the University of Minnesota has published new survey results suggesting that a surprising number of divorcing couples are interested in reconciliation.

In collaboration with Hennepin County District Court Judge Bruce Peterson, Doherty surveyed 2,500 couples with children whose divorces were pending but not finalized. After taking court-ordered parenting classes, one in four said they believed their marriages could be saved through hard work. For one in 10 couples, both divorcing spouses expressed interest in reconciliation counseling. For one in three couples, only one spouse expressed interest, according to Doherty's study, which was published in the journal Family Court Review.

A U of M press release called this "the first time data has been gathered on divorcing parents' interest in reconciliation." Doherty's research and advocacy generally tilts in favor of preserving marriages. His last mention in this blog <http://www.startribune.com/local/blogs/127883263.html> was regarding a study that suggested cohabitation, in leiu of marriage, presented risks to children because it increased the likelihood of parents splitting up. Doherty concluded:

"In the 1960s, many family court professionals viewed themselves as having a responsibility to help couples reconcile if that was possible, or have a constructive divorce if reconciliation was not possible. This reconciliation-first approach did not survive the cultural changes of the 1970s. Instead divorce practitioners generally assume the inevitability of divorce once people begin the legal process ... While many who enter the divorce process may have made a final decision to end their marriages, those who are uncertain or are open to reconciliation deserve more attention from professionals than they receive currently."

Peterson is in the Fourth Judicial District's criminal and civil division, but previously was a presiding family court judge. The number of divorcing couples who seemed amicable during court proceedings led him to wonder if more reconciliations could be possible, according to the U of M release.

The study comes at an intriguing time. Divorce numbers dipped in recent years, as stressed-out couples tried to weather the recession. Some predicted a resurgence in the American divorce rate as the economy stabilized, but new American Community Survey data from 2010 suggests that didn't happen.

The data from the U.S. Census survey showed a rate of 9.8 divorces per 1,000 women in the U.S. in 2010. The Minnesota rate was 8.1. The rates were actually higher -- at 10.5 and 9.3, respectively -- in 2008 when families supposedly stuck together for financial survival. Minnesota's 2010 divorce rate was sixth lowest in the nation.

http://tinyurl.com/3jgy5ha
-------------------------------------------
- DIVORCE HAS IMMENSE IMPACT ON SMALL BUSINESSES
Sept 28, 2011
Reuters, Chicago

When Glenn Phillips went through a contentious divorce, his company unwittingly came along for the ride.

Phillips, the founder of software consulting firm Forte Inc, estimates his divorce cost him more than $200,000 - about a quarter of his annual revenues at the time - in lost potential new business and add-on business to existing clients. He was regularly pulled away from work to meet with lawyers, dig up reams of paperwork called for by his wife's attorneys, and work out a settlement, a process that took more than a year.

"It was painful, it was costly. And I wasn't particularly efficient with my team," said Phillips, who divorced in 2003. "I wasn't there to lead and direct."

He ended up settling outside of court and was able to keep complete control of his Birmingham, Alabama-based company. He eventually got the business back on track.

Despite the hardships, Phillips likely got off easy, said experts.

"The economic turmoil of divorce and separation is immense," said George Cloutier, CEO of American Management Services Inc, a consulting firm aimed at turning around struggling private companies.
Full article: http://tinyurl.com/5wu3tkg
----------------------------------------

- THE FINE LINE BETWEEN MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE
Iris Krasnow, Huffington Post, Sept 24, 2011
http://tinyurl.com/6bp8nxu
And:
Does Separation Make the Heart Grow Fonder
Iris Krasnow, Slate, Sept 23, 2011
http://tinyurl.com/3me9twq
----------------------------------------

- STEVEN STOSNY ADDS EMAIL CONSULTS
Expert help on Emotional Abuse as well as other relationship problems.
http://tinyurl.com/5srf6ac

--------------------------------------------
- SMART MARRIAGES COALITION CONTRIBUTED TO DECREASE IN DIVORCE IN KUWAIT

I know many of you met Dr Alqashan at mart Marriages Conferences. He sends news and gratitude. - diane

Dear Dr. Diana
I am pleased to extend to you on behalf of all Kuwaiti families my greetings and to everyone who presented and attended the Smart Marriages conferences as well as to those who contributed in your website and the Newsletter, which have had an impact on Kuwaiti Society.

Your direct and indirect help resulted in improving our marriage enrichment programs that effectively increase and improve marital satisfaction and marital communication of Kuwaiti couples. In addition, it helped in awareness-raising campaigns for the success of marriage and reduced divorce in the State of Kuwait. The good news is that divorce fallen from 30% in 1995 to 8% in 2006 to only 3.4% in 2011 so far according to the official statement yesterday!

Dr. Humoud Alqashan
Dean Assistance for Academic Affairs & Graduate Studies
College of Social Sciences - Kuwait University

__________________________________
- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
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New Research on Politics and Dating/Mating - 9/11

2011-09-20T13:59:00.001-04:00

- Political Preferences Play Different Role in Dating, Mating
- Does Cupid Play Politics? That 'Something Special' Might Be Your Mate's Political Ideology
-----------------------------------------------------
- Political Preferences Play Different Role in Dating, Mating
ScienceDaily (Sep. 19, 2011) — Online daters are reluctant to use partisan politics to attract a potential mate, according to new research co-authored by Brown political scientist Rose McDermott. The study, published in Evolution and Human Behavior, shows that singles are more likely to admit they are overweight on their online dating profiles than to say they are politically liberal or conservative.

New research suggests that individuals attempting to attract a mate often avoid advertising their political leanings. The findings, co-authored by political scientists Rose McDermott of Brown University, Casey A. Klofstad of the University of Miami, and Peter K. Hatemi, a genetic epidemiologist at Pennsylvania State University, are published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.

"Because we know that long-term mates are more politically similar than random attachment might predict, we were interested to see how people seeking a mate end up with people who share their political values," said McDermott. "This is particularly important because political ideology appears to be in part heritable, and so mates pass their ideology on to their children."

For their study, titled "Do bedroom eyes wear political glasses? The role of politics in human mate attraction," the research team randomly sampled 2,944 profiles from a popular Internet dating site and examined whether people indicated an interest in politics or selected a specific political view. They found that only 14 percent of online daters included "political interests" in their profile, which ranked 23rd out of 27 interest categories -- just below "video games" and above "business networking" and "book club."

To put this in perspective, the authors write, "When asked to describe their body type, a larger proportion of our sample voluntarily described themselves as either 'heavy set,' having 'a few extra pounds,' or 'stocky' (17%) than listed 'politics' as one of their interests.

Other findings:

Few individuals were willing to express a definitive political preference. Of those that listed politics as an interest, the majority -- 57 percent -- reported that their politics were "middle of the road."
Women were 8 percent less likely to report being interested in politics.
A higher income, education, and degree of civil engagement (i.e., volunteerism) increased the likelihood of listing politics as an interest.
Older daters and those with higher education levels were more willing to express a definitive political preference, such as "very liberal" or "ultra conservative."

Politics in dating vs. mating

The researchers note that the apparent reluctance to reveal political preferences is interesting because previous studies have shown that spouses share political views more than almost any other trait, with religious affiliation being the exception. They ask, "What steps between mate selection and actual mating occur that drive politically similar people to long-term partnership?"

They point to two possible explanations. First, that humans desire compatibility in their long-term relationships, which, from an evolutionary perspective, should increase the likelihood of being able to raise offspring successfully. Perhaps individuals are not choosy about politics at the outset of the relationship, but are likely to pursue long-term commitments with individuals who share political attitudes. Second, people could be making long-term choices based on nonpolitical characteristics that correlate with political leanings, such as religion, thus unintentionally sorting on politics.

"At some point in the dating process we somehow filter out people who do not share our political preferences," said Klofstad. "Our best guess is that in the short-run most people want to cast as wide a net as possible when dating. However, in the long-run shared political preferences become a critical foundation of lasting relationships, despite the fact that many Americans are not even interested in politics."

-------------------------------------------
- Does Cupid Play Politics? That 'Something Special' Might Be Your Mate's Political Ideology

ScienceDaily (May 11, 2011) — Though "variety is the spice of life" and "opposites attract," most people marry only those whose political views align with their own, according to new research from Rice University and the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Political scientists found that political attitudes were among the strongest shared traits and even stronger than qualities like personality or looks.

In an article published in the April 2011 issue of the Journal of Politics, researchers examined physical and behavioral traits of more than 5,000 married couples in the United States. They found spouses in the study appeared to instinctively select a partner who has similar social and political views.

"It turns out that people place more emphasis on finding a mate who is a kindred spirit with regard to politics, religion and social activity than they do on finding someone of like physique or personality," said John Alford, associate professor of political science at Rice University and the study's lead author.

On a scale of 0 to 1, where 1 means perfectly matched, physical traits (body shape, weight and height) only score between 0.1 and 0.2 among spouse pairs. Personality traits, such as extroversion or impulsivity, are also weak and fall within the 0 to 0.2 range. By comparison, the score for political ideology is more than 0.6, higher than any of the other measured traits except frequency of church attendance, which was just over 0.7.

The study adds to recent "sorting research" that has uncovered a surprising level of uniformity in Americans' personal political communication networks -- where they live, with whom they socialize and where they work.

The new research shows that this sorting doesn't stop with the selection of neighborhoods or workplaces, however. It's also visible in choice of spouses, Alford said.

"It suggests that, perhaps, if you're looking for a long-term romantic relationship, skip 'What's your sign?' and go straight to 'Obama or Palin?'" Alford said. "And if you get the wrong answer, just walk away."

Alford and his co-authors noted that sorting is not the only reason for spouses' political uniformity, but it is clearly the most powerful. More traditional explanations for the political similarity of spouses turned out to have only modest effects and account for only about 10 percent of the similarity between long-term partners. Social homogamy -- or the tendency for people to choose a mate from within one's own religious, social, economic and educational surroundings -- played only a small role.

Similarly, the researchers found little support for interspousal persuasion, the notion that partners tend to adapt to one another's political beliefs over time -- a discovery that could have implications on partisan politics for generations to come, the researchers said.

"We did expect to find a strong political bond between husbands and wives," said John Hibbing, a professor of political science at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and a co-author of the study. "But we were surprised that political concordance seems to exist from the very early years in the marriage, instead of the folk wisdom of mates growing more alike politically as their relationship goes along."

The authors said this sorting can have a big impact on the future of American politics: If parents transmit political traits to their children, then the practice of liberals marrying liberals and conservatives marrying conservatives seems likely to increase political uniformity into the next generation.

"Obviously, parents are very influential in shaping the political beliefs of their children," Hibbing said. "If both parents are on the left or on the right, it makes it more difficult for a child to be something different. It may be part of the reason why we see such polarization."

This means that marriage -- a major means by which diversity enters into extended families --doesn't actually contribute much to the political "melting pot," Alford said.

"Instead, marriage works largely to reinforce the ongoing ideological polarization that we see so clearly today," he said.

The study, "The Politics of Mate Choice," was authored by Alford, Hibbing, Peter K. Hatemi of the University of Iowa, Nicholas Martin of the Queensland Institute of Medical Research and Lindon Eaves of the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics.
--------------------------------------------
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subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
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Senior Moments / Sources/ Revamping / Sweet Tedium - 9/15/2011

2011-09-15T16:46:00.001-04:00

- TEACHABLE SENIOR MOMENT
- CLOUD 9
- TRACKING IT DOWN
- ENGAGED ENCOUNTER REVAMP
- TILL TEDIUM DO US PART:

*******************
- TEACHABLE SENIOR MOMENT
Take 3 mins and watch this one. It’s ostensibly about seniors trying to use a new computer, but it’s really about their wonderful marriage and sexy relationship. A teachable moment for all couples, everywhere.
http://tinyurl.com/623o9ql
---------------------------------
- CLOUD 9
Which reminds me of another senior moment. One of you a while back suggested I watch the film Cloud 9. I did, recently, and now highly recommend it, and, not in spite of, but because of, the sex scenes and nudity between the elderly couples (70s/80s). And, I recommend it for ALL ages. It reminded me of a client I saw 30 years ago when I was in private practice. She had separated from her husband and tried several lesbian relationships. She said that the invaluable thing she learned in these relationships was that her body, though far from perfect, could be adored and found to be very sexy. That she was stunned that she could find an overweight, less-than-perfect, female partner’s body to be very sexy. She said it completely changed her sex life with her husband, not what they did, but how she was now able to believe, accept and enjoy his love of her and of her body. The film is extremely poignant and challenging in so many ways. Many teachable moments. Watch it together. I got it on Netflix. - diane
--------------------------------
- TRACKING IT DOWN
Bill Coffin, former Marriage Education Specialist at ACF, sorted out where the reporter made her mistake. - diane

Diane,
Tell Brent & Carol Mock that their Skillful Couples program is listed on NHMRC website where they list everyone who submits info about what they’re doing: http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/educators/find-local-programs/pa/index.aspx

Their program is NOT listed on the ACF list of 2006 grantees here http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/ofa/grantees/list10-06.htm

Bill Coffin
http://scoop.it/t/ideals

---------------------------------------------
- ENGAGED ENCOUNTER REVAMP
Dear Diane

You recently sent this as part of a post and the way it’s written, I don’t
think it’s clear if it’s a good or bad thing:

>> Burchett said the "Catholic Engaged Encountered" program is going through a
>> global revamp that should take shape around the first of next year. "They
>> have basically ripped the whole outline apart and redid the whole thing."

I am an Engaged Encountered (EE) presenter and I think the revamp is for the
good. While the basic topics and what has made EE work are remaining, the
talks are being updated to be more relevant, addressing modern issues (e.g.
finances, pornography, internet), include updates in the church's theology
of the body, and are now more logically organized around central themes
(family of origin, sacramental marriage, communication, intimacy, values).
There are also several new exercises for the engaged couples to do to. In
other words, what I have seen in the new outlines only seems to be an
improvement - I will present my first weekend using the new talks next
month.

Fr. Gary Coulter
Ashland NE
http://frcoulter.com

---------------------------------------------------
- TILL TEDIUM DO US PART:
Couples who want to avoid divorce HAD BETTER sweat the small stuff

By Heidi Stevens
Chicago Tribune
September 07, 2011
(This is a good one full of reminders to help couples make it all the way to the sexy senior moments....to treasure & preserve the togetherness tedium. - diane)

Ours has been the summer of extreme marital discontent. From Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child to Anthony Weiner’s tweets to J.Lo’s divorce No. 3, dysfunction and discord have been writ large.

So what does that mean for regular folks? The ones whose marital ups and downs don’t play out on the world stage, but nonetheless come into sharper focus when couples melt down so publicly?
. . .
Up to 60 percent of divorces in the United States, in fact, stem from “low-conflict” marriages, Haag writes in her book, citing a study by marriage researcher Paul Amato. Marriages that aren’t marred by abuse, addiction, repeated infidelity or other “high-conflict” issues, in other words, actually account for the majority of divorces.

So where do such marriages go wrong?

There’s rarely a singular tipping point. . .
More often it’s a slow erosion toward cohabitating strangerdom.

Basically, we stop paying attention to each other. . . .

The good news, experts agree, is that “low-conflict” problems are extremely solvable. No addictions to overcome, no affairs to forgive, no crushing debt from which to emerge.

“It’s very fixable,” says Hallowell. “We just need to re-create some boundaries by reserving some time for each other and not giving in to the seduction and distraction of modern life.”

That may mean turning down worthwhile opportunities.

“We’re victims of our own enthusiasm,” he says. “Turn down the committee you’d love to serve on. Turn down the team you’d love to coach. Turn down the good things — great things — that are not time-wasters at all, but when you have too many of them, they choke out the intimacy.”

It may also mean diving in to some touchy territory.

“A lot of marriages can survive if we’re willing to be somewhat imaginative or flexible within them,” Haag says. “The first step is to have that difficult conversation and actually hazard some honesty with your partner. ‘You know, I need more from my life than this.’ The important thing is to not get into this celebration of mediocrity and sticking it out, but to have a conversation about some simple ways, or big ways, to change.”

By contemplating changes that will improve our marriage — big or small — Cohen Praver says, we can train our brains to once again swoon for our same ol’, same ol’ partners.

When you’re in love, mirror neurons trigger certain brain chemicals that bolster emotional attachments, she says.

“Dopamine is activated, oxytocin, vasopressin — which triggers loyalty, attachment, bonding — testosterone, estrogen, serotonin,” she says. “When the marriage is eroded, all that’s on hold. But when you start to bring the marriage back, even in your imagination, the chemicals begin to get active again.

“Imagine a different kind of relationship — imagine skinny-dipping with your partner, imagine being a more powerful person in your relationship,” she says. “And begin to model it. As you change your behavior, you can unlock your brain and revitalize your marriage.”

Fix your marriage. Now.

At the end of “Married to Distraction,” authors Edward M. Hallowell and Sue George Hallowell offer a list of 40 ways to make your marriage great. Five standouts:

Remember that the key to romance is attention. Nothing is as romantic as having someone give you their undivided, sustained attention.

Never let your spouse see you roll your eyes. Contempt breeds contempt.

Divide labor evenly, trying to have each person do what he or she likes to do or dislikes doing least.

Learn to control anger. Anger should be like a sneeze, brief, clearing the air, then forgotten.

Take one half-hour and talk about “stuff,” not about work, chores or conflicts, but about stuff you’re interested in. Tell stories, ask questions.

For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/3lxhgpp

AND, HERE’S MORE FROM THE SMART MARRIAGES QUOTES PAGE to help you avoid letting love die:

When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff.
Pat Love
********************
Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages. People who are permanently married are polite to one another. They don't want to hurt one another's feelings, and they don't try to make the other one feel humiliated. People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.

To go without sex is to endanger the relationship. It's very easy to build up an incest taboo in a marriage. If you go without sex, your instincts recognize this person as part of the family but cease to recognize the person as a sex partner. The response can kick in surprisingly quickly - in as little as six weeks. People make a terrible mistake in being angry with their marriage partner and cutting them off sexually as a way of arousing great passion. It used to work in the ninth grade. But it doesn't work in the ninth decade.

You're not going to be in love all the time, but if you want to recapture that magic from when you were in love, be loving. Being loving to your partner makes you feel so good about yourself, it doesn't matter if you're in love or not. The marriage is making you feel good if you are loving in it.

Always keep your pants zipped in public.
    Frank Pittman
************************
Write a list of ways that you have benefited from being married to your spouse. Then write a
list of your spouses positive patterns and qualities. Keep adding to the lists and reread them
frequently.
Rabbi Pliskin in Marriage
****************
A soulmate marriage does not at all mean that you have found someone you match up with on all the
cards – on all the issues, on everything. That would be the most deadly dull thing to even imagine.
Instead, it means you've found someone and they don't ever want to blow out that little light inside you.
And you feel the same way about them.
Diane Sollee
****************
You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three
things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou
***************
In marriage, as in all things, the perfect can be the enemy of the good.
unknown
******************
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
Unknown
•••••••••••••••••
Why would a couple that lives and sleeps together every night
need dates and rituals? Precisely because they live and sleep
together.
Bill Doherty, Take Back Your Marriage
**************
     If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted,
     nonlogistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in
     the top 5% of all married couples. It's an extraordinary achievement.
     Bill Doherty, Take Back Your Marriage
     **************
     Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
     Joyce Brothers
    ***************
     Do NOT do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may
     not be the same.
     George Bernard Shaw
    ***************
   In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.
      The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage.
     Robert Anderson
   *************
Our research estimates that 55-60% of marriages that end in divorce fall into the category of "good enough marriages". These marriages appear to be functioning well only a year or so prior to the divorce. From a child's perspective, these divorce are unexpected, inexplicable, and unwelcome and are thus most likely to harm children. These marriages are significantly more likely to divorce because of infidelity, citing explanations of "drifting apart" or "communication problems". They are unlikely to mention abuse because these were not highly conflicted marriages.
Paul Amato, Smart Marriages keynote
************
   Being in a long marriage is a little bit like that nice cup of coffee every morning -
     I might have it every day, but I still enjoy it.
Stephen Gaines
***********
Dad always speaks of Mom in the most complimentary, glowing terms. As does
she of him. This lesson made such an impression on me, I still remember when
I was age twelve and we were getting carpet installed in our home. The crew
boss was one of those stereotypical beer guzzling, hard-living guys, who
would have probably belonged to Ralph Kramden's Raccoon Lodge from the old
Honeymooner's TV show. For lunch, my folks bought pizza for the crew. Dad
went to talk with the boss about the job. I was around the corner listening.

The boss said, "This is an expensive job. Women will really spend your
money, won't they?" Dad responded, "Well, I'll tell you, when they were
right there with you before you had any money, it's a pleasure to do
anything for them you possibly can." This wasn't the answer the carpet
installer expected to hear. He was looking for negative banter about wives
which, to him, was natural. He tried again: "But, gee, they'll really play
off that and spend all they can, won't they?" Dad replied, as I knew he
would, "Hey, when they're the reason you're successful, you want them to do
the things they enjoy. There's no greater pleasure." Strike two. The crew
boss tried one more time, "And they'll take that as far as they can, huh?"
Dad responded, "She's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'd do
anything to make her happy."

I was trying not to laugh. I knew he wanted Dad to give in just a little
bit and say, "Yeah, I guess that's true." But it wouldn't happen... not in
a million years! Finally, the installer gave up and went back to work,
probably shaking his head in bewilderment.

Witnessing my dad in that moment taught me more about loving and respecting
your wife than anything he could ever have told me about the subject.
Bob Burg
***********************
A Step Parenting Rule: Generally, a woman can never love a man anymore than
her husband loves her children.
Kevin Leman
*************

- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Media / Affairs Increase / Revisiting Monogamy - 9/13/11

2011-09-13T14:19:00.001-04:00

- MEDIA GETS IT WRONG. AGAIN
- BAD ECONOMY? A GOOD TIME FOR A STEAMY AFFAIR
- IS MONOGAMY MAKING US MISERABLE?

Diane,
July 2011 was very strange with no conference. We want to thank you again for all you did to make Smart Marriages one of the top highlights of our years for all those years. You played an irreplaceable role in Carol and I taking our marriage and family ministry to a high level in a short number of years. The relationships we built and the resources we availed ourselves of at the conferences were and are phenomenally rich and wonderful. Thanks ever so much.

A couple of days ago, in doing a google search on our organization, Skillful Couples Vibrant Marriages, I discovered that we were highlighted in a Sarah Posner article as an example of a discriminatory, (implied) bigoted Christian organization which received grant money from the federal government's Healthy Marriages Initiative. Of all the organizations and even churches that do receive such grants, we were the only one singled out to represent the problem Posner was decrying. She picked up on our clear statement of Christian faith and purpose in the vision statement on our website and used it to make her point. The irony is that we never applied for any federal grants! We can't as we are not a non-profit corporation. In any case, we would not ever apply for federal grants as we do not want the restrictions that such grants rightly require. We find her dishonest reporting quite distressing. Here is the link to the article:

http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/more-political-articles/2011/5/16/sarah-posner-obamas-religion-problem-white-house-funnels-mon.html

Do you know anything about Posner? Has she ever attended a Smart Marriages conference? Any insight you might have as to how she connected with us is appreciated.

Brent and Carol Mock

Dear Brent and Carol,
Hmmmm. Just goes to show how skeptical we must be about anything we read in the press. Posner sounds familiar, but I can’t find a record of her attending the conference. Have you figured out where and how you might be mentioned on the ACF site? I’ll share this with the list – it’s interesting. And maybe someone else can help you sort things out. I hope you’ve let Posner know of her mistake. I’ll also include your listing from the Smart Marriages Directory of Programs below so people can see what you ARE about and reach you. (BTW, I’ve received a bunch of requests for info about listing on the Directory. One can add a listing at any time, not only at beginning of the year. Just email me if interested.) - diane

Skillful Couples Vibrant Marriages/Pittsburgh: Brenton & Carol Mock
Workshops, classes, coaching (phone or in person) for couples at any stage, or experiencing any point of frustration, or just wanting to make a good marriage great. Instructors in PREP and CPREP communication and problem solving principles and skills, PICK a Partner also known as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk; licensed associate with Steven Stosny’s Compassion Power doing workshops on anger, resentment and abuse regulation; parenting education.
Website: http://www.skillfulcouplesvibrantmarriages.com

______________________________________
- INFIDELITY

You’d think people would run out of things to say, but there are always so many articles on infidelity and monogamy. Can’t possibly send them all but these two have received a lot of attention so will forward. It’s good to keep up with what the public is reading – these were in major media outlets and are interesting overviews. You might want to add your 2¢ to the comments sections. - diane

- BAD ECONOMY? A GOOD TIME FOR A STEAMY AFFAIR
Kitty Yancey, USA TODAY
Sept 10, 2011

One business that has totally boomed through these tough economic times is the affair business.

You might think that the divorce rate would spike during a recession but in fact, it's been pretty consistent around 50% for the past five years, said Ken Altshuler, president-elect of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

That number briefly dropped to about 35 to 40 percent for about six months during the recession as some starry-eyed lovers tried to hang on, but then shot up to 60 to 65 percent for the next six months as those hangers-on caved under the weight of the added financial stress that came with the recession. But since the spring of 2010, as the economy has shown signs of recovery and then faltered again, that number has remained consistent at around 50%.

"People have just accepted that the new normal is a bad financial situation," Altshuler said.

What has changed, however, is how people divide up the marital assets. The home used to be a couple's biggest asset, now for many, it's their biggest debt.

"I have seen a huge number of clients losing their homes to short sales or foreclosures and I really thought the down housing market would decrease divorces," Altshuler said. "It hasn't had one iota of change on divorce filing but it has dramatically changed property settlements."

With new bank rules, it now takes from six to 18 months for the bank to foreclose on a property, when that process used to just take six months. As a result, he said, some couples are getting creative and having one spouse stay in the home through the foreclosure process. Not having to pay the mortgage, reduces a huge burden — and stress — on the family. That way, the other partner has more money for spousal and child support.

Other couples are turning to what's called "nesting." That means that the family keeps the house and the kids live there full time. The now-divorced parents take turns living there based on when it's their turn with the kids. They might stay with friends during the off time or a shared apartment.

Altshuler said "nesting" isn't a new concept but the reason couples are choosing it is. "Now, they're not doing it so much for the kids, as doing it to increase the value of their asset," Altshuler said.

Divorce coach Lee Block, who also runs the divorce dating site, PostDivorceDatingClub.com, said she's known several couples who choose the nesting route and cautions that it requires a lot of trust between the partners. "You have to trust that your ex is not going to go through your stuff," she said.

She's also seen a role reversal where more women are paying spousal and child support to men who have lost their jobs. "The father may keep primary custody because he's been at home while she's out working," Block said.

One business that has totally boomed through these tough economic times — you might call it a reverse economic indicator — is the affair business.

In early 2009, about four months into the recession, Ashley Madison, a "married dating service for discreet encounters," saw its business start to take off. And for the next six quarters, as the economy hit rock bottom and then leveled off, the affair site saw its revenue growth steadily rise.

"We're not a recession-proof business, we're a recession-growth business," said Noel Biderman, CEO of Avid Life Media, the parent company of Ashley Madison. "Everyone looks for a temporary way to feel better about themselves," he said.

Biderman said they have gotten a ton of emails from clients in Michigan, Arizona Nevada, states where the housing market has been hardest hit by the recession.

"People were basically confessing in their profile that 'The marriage is really over — we're just waiting for the market to recover,'" he said, adding: "Who wants to pay $40,000 for a divorce when you can pay $49 for an affair?!"

Here's how it works (I know you're dying to know): It's "pay as you play," so the more you want to play, the more you pay. For $49, you get 100 credits. That allows you to chat with about 20 different members. You can then decide how much information you want to share with that person, photos, etc., and if/when you want to meet. When it's over, Ashley Madison deletes all correspondence from both inboxes - so no one ever has ammunition to blackmail you.

Biderman says the busiest time for the site is, without fail, Monday morning, as spouses who've had their weekend hopes of marital bliss dashed — or an excessive spike in their marital aggravation level — turn to a discreet affair to fill the void. He said that's also true with other high-expectation holidays: Their traffic spikes the day after Valentine's Day <http://content.usatoday.com/topics/topic/Valentine%27s+Day> , Father's Day <http://content.usatoday.com/topics/topic/Father%27s+Day> and Mother's Day <http://content.usatoday.com/topics/topic/Mother%27s+Day> . The end of the year is an exception — business is slow as more couples, happy or not, choose to spend the holidays with family.

Though, he said, thanks to mobile devices, they're also getting a pickup in the evening as more spouses feel comfortable slinking off to the basement or bathroom to check a few profiles.

And, while you might think that high-profile affair busts like Tiger Woods <http://content.usatoday.com/topics/topic/People/Athletes/Golf/Tiger+Woods> would be a deterrent, they're actually a boost to the affair business because a lot of people see that and say, "You see? Everyone does it."

One telling sign of these hard financial times: Medical professionals used to be one the biggest users of the affair site. Now, for the past few years, it's been people who work in financial services. They also saw an uptick in education and government as those professions saw a lot of layoffs.

A big question Biderman often gets is, why do politicians cheat so much?

"To get there, you have to take a lot of risks in life," Biderman said of politicians. "These people have risk-taking personality types." They're more willing to take risks in their career, as well as their personal lives.

There was a brief period in about February or March where growth in the affair business started to level out, which some might see as an encouraging sign for the economy. But, with apologies to all of you bulls out there, their business is back on an upswing again.

And, while the U.S. watches Europe's financial crisis unfold, Ashley Madison is there. Biderman said business in Spain and other hard-hit European countries where the company operates, is booming.

Hey, if the economy's a rockin', don't come a knockin'.

_________________________________________________

- IS MONOGAMY MAKING US MISERABLE?
Marriage can be tough. But one expert believes it doesn’t have to be – that our ‘one mate for life’ rule is unrealistic, unnecessary, even unnatural. We dare to ask if, perhaps, he has a point.
John Preston
10 Sep 2011
Telegraph (UK)

Earlier this year, an Algerian pork butcher called Lies Hebbadj was revealed to have been dividing his time between his wife and three mistresses. This prompted the French Interior Minister to declare that he should be stripped of his French citizenship. Greatly affronted, the all-too-aptly-named Lies hit back saying that keeping mistresses was a French tradition, and if he was stripped of his citizenship then millions of other Frenchmen should hang up their passports too.

Meanwhile, in the United States, the married New York Congressman, Anthony Weiner, was busy emailing photos of his groin to a bemused stranger in Seattle. In between the politician and the pork-butcher came a lengthy procession of men — it is, I fear, almost always men — who have found the chains of monogamy all too easy to break.

Tiger Woods, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Arnold Schwarzenegger, various actors and footballers hunkered down behind their super injunctions… Each year brings forth its rich harvest of adulterers who have vaulted out of the marriage bed and scooted off – leaving heartbreak and lawyers’ bills in their wake. Across age, race and class, it’s the same story. And each year people scratch their heads in puzzlement and wonder where it all went wrong.

Only this year something different happened. Maybe, suggested America’s leading relationships columnist, Dan Savage, it’s time we looked more closely at monogamy and asked if we’re really cut out for it as a species.

After all, Roget’s Thesaurus defines monogamy as “a kind of marriage”. In other words, there are other kinds, and perhaps one of these might suit us a little better.

Savage’s suggestion was a novel one. Heterosexuals, he reckoned, should learn to behave more like homosexuals — and gay males in particular. What this means, in essence, is that they should re-examine their ideas about fidelity. Savage, who’s gay himself, insists he’s faithful to his partner, and vice versa. That said, his definition of fidelity is one that any thesaurus would struggle to accommodate.

“My partner’s fidelity to me is as important as anyone who’s in a monogamous relationship with someone else; we just don’t define sexual exclusivity as the be-all and end-all of commitment. In other words, we’re faithful to each other, but sometimes we have sex with other people.

“However, that in no way violates our commitment to each other.”

Savage insists he wasn’t trying to ignite a huge moral blaze – yet that’s exactly what happened. “I couldn’t believe how worked up people got,” he tells me. “It was like they were this bunch of children and I’d just told them that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

“What made the greatest impression on me was just how vulnerable the idea of monogamy must be. Otherwise, why would anyone who just clears their throat and points out that monogamy might not be for everyone, be accused of ruining it for everyone else?”

If, as Savage suggests, we’re not cut out for monogamy as a species, we’re not alone here. Quite the reverse. Scarcely a month goes by without some creature, once thought to be a heart-warming example of lifelong fidelity, being exposed as a serial philanderer.

We now know that swans do not – as once thought – repine in a pitiful, floppy-necked way after the death of their partner. Rather they swallow their grief, plump out their feathers and find another one. Similarly gibbons, far from being models of constancy, get up to all kinds of untrousered mischief whenever they’re off on business trips, or the like.

And then of course there’s the red-tailed blackbird, long-believed to mate for life. In a recent effort to reduce population numbers, a large number of male blackbirds were sterilised, which, in theory, should have knocked the birth-rate on the head. However, to the surprise of biologists conducting the project, the females continued to lay eggs which hatched. The conclusion was inescapable: when those female blackbirds couldn’t get what they wanted at home, they simply went elsewhere.

But we are not red-tailed blackbirds, you cry indignantly. We are humans and what’s natural for them isn’t necessarily natural for us.

Ah yes, but what exactly is natural? As the humorist Ogden Nash once observed, “Smallpox is natural – vaccine ain’t.” Monogamy may be no more natural for us than it is for anyone – or anything – else.

Recent research at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden suggests that the way in which men bond to their partners may, in part, be dictated by a specific gene variant — immediately christened the “divorce gene”. The more of it you have in your genetic make-up, the more likely you are to stray. If you’re a man, that is.

If biology isn’t on the side of monogamy, then nor is history. The idea that romantic love should play any part in marriage is a comparatively recent one. Before the 18th century, it would have been considered the height of folly — mainly because it gave women the right not to enter a loveless marriage, and paved the way to their getting divorced if they did. Marriage and sex simply didn’t go together – at least not as far as men were concerned. Women, it hardly needs adding, were expected to remain models of constancy and fidelity.

Then along came romanticism, bringing ballads, soppy sentiments and a host of unfulfillable expectations with it. A very bad move, reckons Savage. All at once the “monogamous expectation” was imposed on men. “Prior to that, they were never expected to be monogamous. They had access to concubines, mistresses, prostitutes and all the rest of it.”

Skip forward to the feminist revolution of the Sixties. In theory, this ought to have evened up the balance. It did, Savage reckons, but in completely the wrong way. “Rather than extending to women the same latitude that men always enjoyed, we extended to men the confines women have always endured. And it’s been a disaster for marriage.”

So what should we do? Savage has coined a handy acronym for how he thinks couples should behave — “GGG”, which stands for good, giving and game. If couples can’t fulfil one another’s desires, then maybe the best thing is to venture outside the marriage for a while – if that’s what it takes to make the relationship survive.

“I’m absolutely not saying that people should be free to sleep with whoever they want. I’m just saying that if you’re married to someone for 50 years and you cheat on them once or twice, that doesn’t mean you’re bad at monogamy.

“In fact, I’d say you were pretty good at it. All I’m arguing for is a little latitude, a little forgiveness, a little realism.”

Forgiveness… Here we come to perhaps the trickiest question of all to do with infidelity. If you do happen to stray, however briefly, from the marital path, should you tell your husband or wife what you have done?

Traditional wisdom holds that honesty is always the best policy. But once again, are we not setting the bar unfeasibly high? Might it not be more practical to argue for something better suited to our human frailties?

Here I tap the blackboard in an authoritative manner and refer to a flagrantly unscientific survey of some male friends of mine which I conducted for the purposes of this article.

Honesty, say my friends nodding sagely, is for losers. There’s nothing to be gained from telling your partner about a fling. Far from being an act of admirable honesty, it’s actually one of supreme selfishness. This is what we might call the Great Paradox of Extra-Marital Affairs: not telling the truth is both the kinder and more honourable thing to do.

After all, they ask, who benefits from such reckless candour? Not you for sure – not in terms of domestic tranquillity anyway. And certainly not the partner who was happily in the dark before. Far better to keep schtum and carry on. This may be hypocritical, but is that so terrible? Conventional wisdom says it is.

There are, it’s worth noting, plenty of cultures which take a more relaxed attitude to fidelity than we do. Inuit men, for example, have long had “temporary wives” which they take with them on otherwise lonely treks across the tundra, leaving their more permanent wives at home. Closer to home, countries like France and Italy have practically enshrined infidelity in their national identity.

But it may be that we too are becoming more relaxed about infidelity. A recent survey of family lawyers commissioned by financial advisers, Grant Thornton, found that it’s no longer the main reason given by people seeking a divorce in the UK – for the first time in the survey’s history, infidelity has been overtaken by couples saying simply that they have “grown apart”.

So is it time to draw down the curtain on monogamy, to acknowledge that it simply doesn’t work for us? Perhaps – but before we do, let us pause for a moment and refer back to my panel of friends. All have succumbed to temptation. All cling feverishly to the idea that they’ve done nothing that bad; they’ve simply followed their instincts. Yet there’s something else they have in common: all are divorced and all are steeped in record levels of confusion, misery and self-pity.

Surely this alone should give one pause for thought. To be unfaithful can never be a minor infraction. It is a betrayal – there’s no way around this.

Nor is infidelity a shallow pool into which you can dip your toe every so often. Rather it’s a whirlpool that will suck you in and draw you down. Not only that; however careful you are, the overwhelming likelihood is that you will be caught out. When that happens you will be heaping humiliation upon the person that – in theory at least – you care most about.

And whatever this or that survey may say, once broken, the bond of trust between two people frequently proves impossible to repair. You look at your partner with new eyes and wonder if you ever really knew them in the first place – if whatever you shared wasn’t just a sham.

Andrew Marshall, author of How Can I Ever Trust You Again? From Infidelity to Recovery in Seven Steps, believes there are strong practical and moral arguments in favour of monogamy. For a start, he says, he’s never met a heterosexual couple who have made licensed infidelity work.

“The only couple I’ve counselled who tried to do that fell at the first hurdle. They tried to be honest with one another, but the amount of jealousy and upset was extraordinary.

“And if people aren’t being honest then I suspect it’s even worse. You may think you’re having uncomplicated sex, only there’s no such thing because sex binds people together.

“You’re playing with fire and you’ll almost certainly get burned.” And, of course, it’s not just you and your partner who’ll end up burned – any children you may have are almost certain to suffer too.

Here’s yet another reason why, Dan Savage’s many critics have lost no time in pointing out, it’s absurd to suggest that heterosexual couples should behave more like homosexuals.

In Marshall’s experience, infidelity doesn’t necessarily work for gay couples either. “What tends to happen is that they have a don’t ask/don’t tell policy, but someone invariably ends up getting jealous. Or else they have sex with everyone apart from each other and drift into a sibling relationship.”

Humans, Marshall believes, “are always at our best when we aim to be as good as we possibly can. I think we have to aim high. But I also think we should try to be a little more charitable and try to solve the underlying causes that lie behind infidelity. If people put the same energy they expend on an affair into their marriage or relationship, it’s quite possible they could solve their problems.”

In the late Sixties, at the height of the sexual revolution, the American novelist John Updike wrote a novel called Couples, closely based on his own experience, in which a group of married couples in New England gaily swap beds, heedless of the consequences.

Not long after writing the book, Updike’s first marriage fell apart. Years later, he was asked if he regretted his behaviour. Did he think he should have stuck with his wife, even though it felt more natural to separate?

“Yes,” Updike replied. “I’ve been married twice, and breaking up the first marriage was the worst thing I’ve ever done, in terms of suffering. I wouldn’t,” he added with evident feeling, “want to go through that again.”

Full article: http://tinyurl.com/6jpocwl

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Marriage for White People? / The Marriage Prep Shield - 9/7/11

2011-09-07T16:40:00.001-04:00

- Is Marriage for White People?
Time Magazine
By David Kaufman
August 31, 2011

Even with an African American couple in the White House, the fate of the black family in America has never been so precarious. That's the message behind Is Marriage for White People?, a new book by Stanford Law professor Ralph Richard Banks.

Researched and written over the past 10 years, Banks' book explores the unpleasant — and often unspoken — contributors to and consequences of declining marriage rates among African Americans. With 70% of all black children now born to unwed mothers, the consequences have never been clearer. As for the solutions, Banks provocatively suggests that black women begin looking beyond their own race for marriage material and potential fathers of their children.

Is Marriage for White People?, which comes out on Sept. 1, examines the little-explored intersections of race, gender and class among African Americans, but the same issues — regarding marriage, inter-marriage, children — exist among most groups in the U.S. TIME.com spoke with Banks about "marrying down" and why filmmaker Tyler Perry has it all wrong. . . .

For the full article, interview, and 100 (almost all negative) comments:
http://tinyurl.com/43datuq
---------------------------------------------------
- Fewer couples think an affair is a reason to divorce
Somewhat encouraging trend from the weekly update of UK Marriage News: http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/
9/11. Nice that more couples are healing after infidelity. Discouraging that marriage (and thus divorce rates) are at an all time low. I imagine this one caught my eye because I’d just read (and agonized over) this Q & A in Carolyn Hax advice column where question was basically, “I’m bored. Should I have an affair?” and advice was, “No, just get divorced.” Auugh. Maybe you can go in and give better advice. http://tinyurl.com/3pkjqg6 - diane

Extramarital affairs are no longer the main reason for divorce, according to research suggesting that unfaithful celebrities have made infidelity more acceptable reports the Telegraph <http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/8731520/Fewer-couples-think-an-affair-is-a-reason-to-divorce.html> . A study of leading family lawyers found that the most common reason for a marriage to end was couples claiming that they no longer felt in love and had “grown apart”.

The research, compiled by consultancy firm Grant Thornton, disclosed a sharp rise in pre-nuptial agreements, and evidence that many couples had merely delayed divorce in the recession, hoping for larger settlements once the economy had recovered. According to official records, the number of divorces in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level since 1974, as fewer couples choose to marry. The Grant Thornton research, which questioned 101 leading family lawyers, said that extramarital affairs had been the top reason behind marital breakdown every year since the survey was first conducted in 2003.

This year, however, infidelity was replaced as the most common cause of divorce by couples stating that they had simply fallen out of love with each other. The proportion of lawyers citing extramarital affairs as the main factor for their clients' separation – 25% - has now fallen to its lowest level since the annual survey began. However, “growing apart” or “falling out of love” has become increasingly common and was the leading reason for marital breakdown, cited by 27% of lawyers in the survey this year. Divorce lawyers are finding that people are no longer prepared to put up with unhappy marriages as in the past. Other causes of marital breakdown listed in the study included one partner having a “mid-life crisis”, emotional or physical abuse, “unreasonable behaviour” and financial worries.

Louisa Plumb, from Grant Thornton UK LLP, the financial and business advisors, suggested that the changing pattern could be attributed to celebrity couples who remained together despite one partner’s infidelity. England footballers including Peter Crouch, Ashley Cole and Wayne Rooney have featured in the tabloid press for their alleged infidelities yet are reported to be attempting to mend their relationships.

“We are seeing an increasing number of ‘celebrities’ putting up with alleged affairs in their marriage or relationship – with Abbey Clancy staying with Peter Crouch, and Cheryl Cole looking all set to go back to Ashley,” she said. “It may be that this is starting to have an effect on the behaviour of couples affected by extra-marital affairs, with more marriages than before surviving a bout of infidelity.”

Christine Northam, a counsellor with Relate, said it was common for couples to say they loved each other but were no longer “in love”. “What’s normally the case is that their relationship has slid down their list of priorities, replaced by the pressures of work, money worries or raising a family,” she said. “Relationships need attention and time to nurture otherwise couples can easily drift apart.”

The report found that six out of 10 lawyers had seen a rise in the number of couples signing pre-nuptial agreements, and expected the trend to grow following a landmark Supreme Court ruling that gave such contracts legal weight last year. However, the report also warned that a separate judgment was likely to see more divorcing spouses get away with hiding assets from their partners in future.

According to 82% of lawyers, unhappy couples have delayed divorce due to the recession, with most believing that the reduced value of assets had been the main motivation for waiting.

- Better marriage prep a shield against divorce
By Steve Fidel

September 3rd, 2011

SALT LAKE CITY — Statistics about marriage and divorce are the backbone of research for social scientists.

"We live and breathe these kinds of data. I think they're very important for us," said Dean Busby, a professor in Brigham Young University's School of Family Life.

But when those numbers make the news, the impact they have on the general public is less certain.

"We hear divorce statistics over and over," said Nick Wolfinger, a University of Utah professor of family and consumer studies. "Is that depressing? Yes. But my response is always 'What are you going to do about it?'"

Whether an alarming statistic about divorce is a call to action or feeds the slippery slope toward a breakup isn't clear, he said.

The U.S. Census Bureau recently released "Marital Events of Americans: 2009," which says marriage rates in Utah are higher than the national average. For Utahns, that is not news. Divorce rates in Utah are also higher, but since one has to marry to become a candidate for divorce, the higher divorce rate is statistically predictable and follows similar marriage-divorce trends in the other parts of the country, Wolfinger said.

Giving couples better relationship tools before they marry is an emphasis in both the academic and religious communities. But working with soon-to-be-marrieds can be a challenge — because they're in such a positive state of mind, Busby said, adding that he uses the term "La La Land" a lot when describing those with marriage on the horizon.

"Our goal is to minimize divorce and to strengthen families and strengthen marriages." -Veola Burchett
Busby leads the RELATE Institute <https://www.relate-institute.org/> at BYU, which provides research-based questionnaires couples can take to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses in their relationship. "The evidence to date suggests that 30 to 40 percent of couples participate in some kind of premarital education," he said.

Women are more likely than men to initiate some kind of premarital education. The proliferation of online dating services and their surveys boosts the comfort level in taking an online relationship review. Face-to- face counseling is still the most daunting, Busby said.

Evaluating the benefits of premarital education is among Busby's current research projects. He said he is also interested in finding ways to make education opportunities more available to those with lower incomes, where divorce rates tend to be the highest.

Catholic couples planning a church wedding are required to complete a premarital counseling program that spans four months. That program gives couples an opportunity to address family, spiritual, income, education and other relationship factors up front, said Veola Burchett, family and pro-life director for the Catholic Diocese of Salt Lake City.

"Our goal is to minimize divorce and to strengthen families and strengthen marriages," she said.

Burchett said she has seen couples postpone marriage dates until issues they discover are resolved. "We even have couples come through the program and decide not to get married." She said study results indicate couples who have premarital training are more likely to seek professional help, and seek it earlier, if there is trouble during the marriage.

Cultural factors definitely weigh in on the level of support the institution of marriage sees. Utah's Mormon culture factors strongly into the support for marriage, as does the growing Hispanic community, "where the rites of marriage are very high," said Pam Perlich, a University of Utah research economist. Within a community, individuals reinforce what is already their cultural predisposition.

Even though the most recent Census data reaches back to 2009 for its conclusions, that information is combined with other data to form real- time anthropology projects that help the social scientists identify trends, Perlich said. "Not every data set has every person represented in it. Putting together all of these different data sets, we begin to understand more about the cultures around us."

Researchers also had other observations about the analysis of marriage and divorce:

Busby said the federal government's interest in the importance of marriage has grown over the past 10 years because of marriage's impact on public policy. Areas of the country with higher divorce rates receive more funding for marriage education services. Funding that helps children combat the adverse affects of parents who divorce is now outstripped by the needs of children born outside marriage. An increase in the number of couples who have children without marrying results in a decrease in the number of households that factor in to marriage and divorce statistics, which means marriage and divorce data represent a shrinking portion of society.

Wolfinger said there are many reasons couples form a household without marrying, and that many co-habitation relationships are short-lived or involve couples who wouldn't be able to marry. "Marriage rates haven't declined all that much. Ninety percent (of couples) still get married," he said. The federal government spent a lot of money promoting marriage a decade ago, Wolfinger said, and that divorce reform was a bigger political issue then. "By 2004 that was gone. Gay marriage had totally pushed divorce out of the picture" in the political arena.

Burchett said the "Catholic Engaged Encountered" program is going through a global revamp that should take shape around the first of next year. "They have basically ripped the whole outline apart and redid the whole thing."

A RELATE Institute report says age at marriage has consistently been found to be highly related to later marital quality. Teenage marriages are considerably less stable than those that take place when couples are in their early to mid-20s, but that couples who marry for the first time too far beyond that can have problems as well. "The concern here is whether or not these individuals can be flexible enough in their preferred style of living to adjust to another's persons needs and preferences."

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New Australian Report on decline of the family - 9/6/11

2011-09-06T11:11:00.001-04:00

- Families in crisis as the rate of children in care doubles
Sept 6, 2011 - The Australian
FAMILIES are in crisis with the number of children in care and teenage self-harm attempts almost doubling in a decade.

The 117-page "For Kids' Sake" report authored by the architect of the Howard government's family law reforms, Sydney University professor Patrick Parkinson, also finds thousand of children are using anti-depressants.

The report, which has compiled existing research, was commissioned by the Australian Christian Lobby and paid for by the Vos Foundation.

It blames the breakdown of traditional families for an alarming rise in social problems, and comes as Labor braces for a party brawl over gay marriage.

The report, which will be launched by opposition families spokesman Kevin Andrews in Canberra today, calls for a taxpayer-funded Families Commission that would run relationship counselling and child rearing education programs and a national families hotline.
For full article: http://tinyurl.com/4ys45qf
--------------------------------------------------------------------
- Stable families, stable society. It’s that simple.
Kevin Andrews
06 Sep • The Punch (Australia)

In 1998, the House of Representatives Legal and Constitutional Committee issued a report entitled To Have and To Hold about marriage and family in Australia.

Writing the preface to the bipartisan report, I commented: “This report is about strengthening marital relationships. It is about preventing marital distress and the consequent breakdown of relationships. It arises from our concern for children; for their future, their happiness, and their ability to form their own loving and fulfilling relationships.”

While the family continues as a human aspiration, there have been a series of changes in family patterns throughout the industrialised world that point to a decline in marriage and a weakening of family life. To Have and To Hold summarised these patterns:

People are marrying less;
Those couples who marry do so at an older age;
There has been a dramatic increase in divorce;
The number of children involved in divorce has continued to grow since the early 1970s;
The rates of remarriage have fallen over the past 20 years;
Families are having fewer children;
The proportion of children born out of wedlock has increased dramatically;
There has been a marked increase in the proportion of single parent families;
Families increasingly have both parents in the paid workforce; and
In most nations, the population is ageing.

A decade later, it is timely to review these trends. Generally birth rates and marriage rates have continued to fall, pre-marital cohabitation has become the norm in most countries, the median age of first marriage has risen, divorce rates have increased, out-of-wedlock births have grown, as has the proportion of sole-parent families, and the population continues to age.

The rates of change vary from country to country, including some welcome reversals in various places. However, the deinstitutionalisation of marriage and the consequent trends for less stable families remains significant.

These trends are graphically illustrated in a new report by Professor Patrick Parkinson, For Kid’s Sake.

Subtitled ‘Repairing the social environment for Australian children and young people’, it is a wake-up call about significant trends in the social ecology of the nation.

Based on social science evidence, Professor Parkinson, a professor of law at the University of Sydney, observes trends in the wellbeing of our children that should concern all Australians. Describing the dramatic increase in the number of children who have been reported to the various State and Territory child protection systems as the “Canary in the coal mine”, the author documents the rise in adolescent mental health and risky behaviours in Australia.

While noting that there may be a number of explanations, he observes: “if there is one major demographic change in western societies that can be linked to a large range of adverse consequences for many children and young people, it is the growth in the numbers of children who experience life in a family other than living with their two biological parents, at some point before the age of 15.” Indeed, the number if children who do not reach the age of 15 in an intact family with both of their biological parents have almost doubled within a generation.

An increasing number of scholars and policy makers have recognised this as a major challenge facing many nations. Few people in western nations would dispute that life is more uncertain for our children then a generation ago. The renowned scholar of family studies, Urie Bronfenbrenner commented two decades ago: “There has been a progressive disarray at an accelerating rate since World War 11 of the disorganisation of the family in the western world.”

His remarks reflected the conclusion of the sociologist, David Popenoe, that there has been a significant decline in ‘familism’, by which he means the family is becoming weaker as an institution.

For Popenoe and others an interesting question was why so many sociologists “think of family decline as a myth and seek to dismiss the idea with such vigour and seeming uncertainty.” Part of the reason lies with the cultural ideals of individualism, sexual freedom, and social tolerance, as well as the obvious gains in health and wealth for many people, he suggested.

What the latest data reveals however are trends affecting families which require an effective social response to avoid the further fragmentation of families and communities, and the alienation of individuals. The chaos created when day to day stability and predictability are lost in family life, particularly for children, is illustrated in the new report.

Social scientists increasingly worry about the current trends. The family scholar, Paul Amato describes the different approaches as a conflict between the institutional and individual view of marriage. Amato concludes that policies should support marriage and family:

“One widely replicated finding tilts the argument in favour of promarriage policies. That is, studies consistently indicate that children raised by two happily and continuously married parents have the best chance of developing into competent and successful adults. . . Because we all have an interest in the well-being of children, it is reasonable for social institutions (such as the state) to attempt to increase the proportion of children raised by married parents with satisfying and stable marriages.”

Merely decreasing the rate of divorce is insufficient, he adds.

How we support marriage then, as the protective institution of family, particularly the welfare of children, is of profound importance. The parental relationship is unique in human affairs. Parents committed to each other are by far the most willing to make massive, unbalanced investments in children. Who else is capable and willing to make this investment? The State? Peer groups? Public or private childrearing organisations?

The answer, as any parent will tell you, is no-one. No amount of public investment in children can possibly offset the private disinvestment that has accompanied the decline of marriage and the weakening of family ties.

Professor Parkinson makes a series of recommendations to address these issues. The substance of one of them, namely, the focus on prevention and the government support for better and more widespread marriage, relationship and parenting education was a policy that the Coalition took to the last election and has recommitted to since then.

The Coalition will examine the other proposals, including Community Trusts and a Families Commission as we continue our policy development.

Daniel Patrick Moynihan once observed: “The central conservative truth is that it is culture, not politics, that determines the success of a society. The central liberal truth is that politics can change a culture and save it from itself.” This is an area where Government should respect other spheres of society by enabling them to fulfil their unique opportunities and obligations.

If our desire is for healthy, well-adjusted children and young people, who have every opportunity for the best education, who can obtain employment and live fulfilling lives, and who have a reasonable prospect of forming their own sustainable relationships - in short, if we desire a stable and healthy society - then healthy, functional family life remains the greatest hope for humanity.

As Martin Luther-King said: ‘The institution of the family is decisive in determining not only if a person has the capacity to love another individual but in the larger sense whether he is capable of loving. . . The whole of society rests on this foundation for stability, understanding and social peace.’ It is in family that obligations and values are learnt.

The For Kid’s Sake report makes the task of responding to the trends documented in it even more critical.

------------------------------------
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You REALLY MUST watch this one: Why Marriage Matters - 8/25/11

2011-08-25T19:02:00.001-04:00

I don’t often insist, but you really must watch this Brookings Institute presentation recorded on Aug 16, 2011. It’s an hour, but if you want to hold yourself out as being interested in the future of Marriage, you must make the time. You can read the reports, but listening (including the introduction and the Q & A) will help it all stick and help you use the new insights and arguments in your work – will make you exponentially more effective. The discussion by this eminent group of scholars covers marriage, cohabitation, divorce, sex, infidelity, economics, policy, obesity, choice, gender, class, race, out-of-wedlock trends, complex households, child outcomes, multi-partner fertility, gay marriage effects, norms, talking the 60s while living the 50s – you name it, everything that fires your jets. One little taste: it turns out it’s not accurate to say, as Cherlin famously contends in The Marriage-Go-Round, that kids are more likely to be raised by their own biological parents if they’re born to a cohabiting couple in Sweden than to a married couple in the United States. As I said, you have to go all the way through the Q & A to get all the goodies. AND, we MUST encourage (insist) that all African Americans watch the Q & A of Robert Kelly near the end especially in this I Have A Dream weekend. - diane

WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS
http://www.centerforpublicconversation.org/events/v/wmm-20110816.php

Read Executive Summary and order the 3rd Edition of Why Marriage Matters: THIRTY Conclusions from the Social Sciences
http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/
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2011-08-22T18:37:00.001-04:00

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Cohabitation the New Risk / Divorce Reform Could Save Billions / Kraft's Contest - 8/22/11

2011-08-22T16:44:00.001-04:00

- New Report: Cohabitation Has Superseded Divorce as Key Risk Factor to Children in America
- Divorce reform could save billions in government aid
- Healthy Relationships California Says Kraft's Contest Calls for Marriage Education
__________________________________________
- New Report: Cohabitation Has Superseded Divorce as Key Risk Factor to Children in America

August 16, 2011 — For most of the latter half of the 20th century – as explained in numerous clinical, academic and popular accounts – divorce posed the greatest threat to family stability and related child well-being. That is no longer the case, according to new research released today showing that the rise of cohabiting households with children is a greater threat to the quality and stability of children's lives, and the main reason that family instability continues to increase for the nation's children overall.

The new report, "Why Marriage Matters: Thirty Conclusions from the Social Sciences <http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/> ," is co-sponsored by the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values and the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia.

Chaired by National Marriage Project director W. Bradford Wilcox, a sociologist in U.Va.'s College of Arts & Sciences, the report is co-authored by 18 family scholars from leading institutions, including the University of California at Berkeley, Brookings Institution, University of Chicago, Penn State, University of Minnesota, University of Texas at Austin, Urban Institute and U.Va.

According to Wilcox, the report's lead author, "In a striking turn of events, the divorce rate for married couples with children has returned almost to the levels we saw before the divorce revolution kicked in during the 1970s. Nevertheless, family instability is on the rise for American children as a whole.

"This is mainly because more couples are having children in cohabiting unions, which are very unstable. This report also indicates that children in cohabiting households are more likely to suffer from a range of emotional and social problems – drug use, depression and dropping out of high school – compared to children in intact, married families."

Major findings of the report include:

•    Divorces involving children have largely returned to pre-"divorce revolution" levels. Specifically, about 23 percent of children whose parents married in the early 1960s divorced by the time the children turned 10. More recently, slightly more than 23 percent of children whose parents married in 1997 divorced by the time the kids turned 10, down from a high of more than 27 percent in the mid-1970s.

•    Family instability for U.S. children overall continues to increase. The data show that 66 percent of 16-year-olds were living with both parents in the early 1980s, compared to just 55 percent of 16-year-olds in the early 2000s. This shift is due to more children being born outside of marriage – especially to cohabiting couples – and the fact that these non-marital unions are overall much less stable.

•    Cohabitation is playing a growing role in children's lives. Children are now more likely to be exposed to a cohabiting union than to a parental divorce. The report indicates that 24 percent of kids born to married parents will see their own parents divorce or separate by age 12, while 42 percent of kids will experience a parental cohabitation by age 12.

•    Children born to cohabiting unions are much more likely to experience a parental breakup compared to children born to married couples. In the U.S., the report finds that the breakup rate is 170 percent higher for children born to cohabiting couples up to age 12. Even in Sweden, children born to cohabiting couples are 70 percent more likely to see parents separate by age 15, compared to children born to married parents.

•    Not only is cohabitation less stable, it is more dangerous for children. Federal data show that children are at least three times more likely to be physically, sexually or emotionally abused in cohabiting households, compared to children in intact, biological-married-parent homes. They are also significantly more likely to experience delinquency, drug use and school failure.

Based on the new data now available, the authors of "Why Marriage Matters" offer three conclusions regarding marriage and families in America today:

(1)    The intact, biological, married family remains the gold standard for family life in the United States. Children are most likely to thrive – economically, socially and psychologically – in this family form.

(2)    Marriage is an important public good, associated with a range of economic, health, educational and safety benefits that help local, state and federal governments serve the common good.

(3)    The benefits of marriage extend to poor, working-class and minority communities, despite the fact that marriage has weakened in these communities in the last four decades.

The report surveys more than 250 peer-reviewed journal articles on marriage and family life in the United States and around the world, and also contains original analysis of data from the General Social Survey and the Survey of Income and Program Participation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

- Divorce reform could save billions in government aid
Groups back methods to reduce splits
By Cheryl Wetzstein
The Washington Times
August 15, 2011

Now that government belt-tightening has become a national obsession, divorce-reform advocates are making the argument that they can be part of the solution.

Divorce is costly for everyone, they argue, and encouraging troubled couples to try to work things out could benefit the national bottom line.

The average split costs a couple $2,500. A new single-parent family with children can cost the government $20,000 to $30,000 a year. That's $33 billion to $112 billion a year total in divorce-related social-service subsidies and lost revenue.

The country is "absolutely" ready for divorce reform, said Chris Gersten, founder and chairman of the nonpartisan Coalition for Divorce Reform.

If states pass the coalition's legislative model that aims at cutting divorce rates by a third in five years, "the savings to taxpayers will be pretty dramatic," he said.

Even a "modest reduction" in the U.S. divorce rate likely would benefit 400,000 children and save taxpayers significant sums, wrote retired Georgia Supreme Court Chief Justice Leah Ward Sears and University of Minnesota professor William J. Doherty, proponents of a new "Second Chances" divorce reform.

"We have to rethink this 'easy-to-divorce' strategy," added Michael McManus, author and founder of Marriage Savers, which promotes a community marriage strategy that has been shown to reduce divorce rates by an average of 17.5 percent.

Americans have consistently supported more restrictive divorce laws. For more than 30 years, the General Social Survey asked Americans if divorce should be "easier or more difficult to obtain than it is now?" The most popular answer is always "more difficult."

But 40 years of no-fault divorce have made marital formation, disruption and reformation so accepted that Americans have "a coming and going of partners on a scale seen nowhere else," Andrew J. Cherlin said in his 2009 book, "The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today."

Tackling divorce

The Census Bureau's American Community Survey (ACS) - which has emerged as the pre-eminent source for marriage and divorce data because of its 2.2 million-household sample size - counted 1,087,920 divorces and a divorce rate of 8.2 per 1,000 population in 2008. This is higher than other federal figures because ACS has data from all states.

Serious divorce reform was last tried 14 years ago when Louisiana passed a "covenant-marriage" law. "Covenant couples" agree to premarital education and marriage counseling. However, only three states have adopted a covenant-marriage law, and only a tiny number of couples opt in.

In contrast, no-fault divorce recently expanded into the one holdout state.

In 2010, New York lawmakers passed a law dropping the need for a "grounds" trial in contested divorces, and instead freed spouses to divorce without assigning fault. The public responded enthusiastically to the speedier divorce law: In the first seven months after the law went into effect, divorces rose 12 percent, compared to the previous year, the Business Review said, citing data from New York courts.

Not surprisingly, many family-law scholars, divorce lawyers and domestic-violence opponents oppose efforts to delay people's ability to divorce.

When couples come to divorce lawyers, they usually have been through therapy already, said family law attorney Pamela J. Waggoner, chair of the family law section of the Minnesota State Bar Association.

"I don't understand the necessity," she said, of putting a reconciliation component into divorce-related or parenting programs. Since 1995, she said, she has seen only "two or three" couples halt the divorce process to think about reconciling.

Not backing down

And yet, divorce reformers can't give up:

- Children of divorce are often stunted economically and can't seem to work their way into higher-income levels, a 2010 study from Pew Charitable Trusts says.

- If the U.S. "enjoyed the same level of family stability today as it did in 1960," there would be 750,000 fewer children repeating grades, 1.2 million fewer school suspensions, about 500,000 fewer acts of teenage delinquency, about 600,000 few children receiving therapy and 70,000 fewer suicides every year, writes W. Bradford Wilcox in a 2009 paper, referring to research by Pennsylvania State University professors Paul Amato and Alan Booth.

- Children of divorce have shorter life spans - by an average of five years - compared to children whose parents didn't divorce, according to a new study by Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin.

That longevity data is "the most devastating analysis that we've seen ... of the impact of divorce on children. They don't 'get over it,' " said Mr. Gersten, who was a Department of Health and Human Services official in the George W. Bush administration.

Mr. Gersten's coalition already has seen a victory: New Mexico state Sen. Mark Boitano introduced the Parental Divorce Reduction Act in this year's session, and Mr. Gersten expects lawmakers in a dozen states to do so in 2012.

The act requires parents of minor children who are contemplating divorce to first attend six hours of "divorce-reduction" education. They would then enter an eight-month "reflection" period with access to marriage-strengthening materials and workshops. After that, they can go ahead with a divorce, "and we let the lawyers take over," said Mr. Gersten, who added that couples in certain circumstances, such as domestic violence, would be exempted from the program.
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Visit the site to read the comments or add your own. http://tinyurl.com/3uyk6u3

___________________________
- Healthy Relationships California Says Kraft's Contest Calls for Marriage Education

LOS ANGELES, Aug. 19, 2011 /PRNewswire-USNewswire/ -- The tangy taste of Miracle Whip is loved by some and hated by others. But Kraft, maker of the salad dressing, has kicked off a "Not for Every Relationship" contest that is stirring up a whole new controversy. Why? Because they are offering $25,000 for the winning story to go towards a couple's wedding ... or divorce. For some, this is simply a humorous campaign; for others, it is the source of great concern.

Beverly Willett, the vice chair of the Coalition of Divorce Reform, writes in a recent article about "the true matter of Kraft using this polarized device that feeds into the fears that many couples have and keeps them from getting married." Healthy Relationships California, the largest provider of Relationship and Marriage Education courses in California, recognizes that without essential Relationship Education, it's all too common for couples to feud harshly enough about salad dressing or any other small matter to cause damage to the relationship. Says HRC Vice President Patty Howell, and co-author of World Class Marriage, "Conflict resolution skills are indispensable for handling all kinds of marital and family issues, whether large or small. And these skills can easily be learned through a Relationship Education class, along with other vital skills for healthy relationships."

Howell reports that healthy relationships are important for everyone as they shape many areas of life, and provide many benefits including:

Living longer and having fewer physical health problems;
Having fewer depressive symptoms;
Lowered levels of domestic and sexual violence against women and girls;
Less likelihood of youth becoming involved in crime, substance abuse, and/or teen pregnancies.

Adds Howell, "With Relationship and Marriage Education, you won't get divorced over salad dressing!"

For the past five years, HRC has taught proven relationship-building skills to more than 100,000 Californians in Relationship and Marriage Education classes offered through local partner organizations around the state. Class information is available at www.RelationshipsCA.org <http://www.relationshipsca.org/> .

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Marriage & Health / Controlled Separation / Conflict in Marriage - 8/22/11

2011-08-22T16:04:00.001-04:00

- Is Marriage Good for The Heart?
- Large Weight Gains Most Likely For Men After Divorce, Women After Marriage
- To Save a Marriage, Split Up?
- Conflict levels don’t change much over course of marriage'

Several of you have written in to agree that you did like the film Crazy Stupid Love. I’ve still not seen it, just sharing that at least ten of you have and recommend it. I did see One Day, which in my opinion, is terrible. I went with granddaughters. They had a crush on the actor Jim Sturgess from the film Across the Universe. They don’t have the crush any more. - diane.
--------------------------------------------------
- Is Marriage Good for The Heart?
Giving your heart to a supportive spouse turns out to be an excellent way to stay alive, according to new research from the University of Rochester. Happily wedded people who undergo coronary bypass surgery are more than three times as likely to be alive 15 years later as their unmarried counterparts, reports a study published online August 22 in Health Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association.
Health Psychology
http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/579576/?sc=mwhn
—University of Rochester
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- Large Weight Gains Most Likely For Men After Divorce, Women After Marriage
Both marriage and divorce can act as “weight shocks,” leading people to add a few extra pounds – especially among those over age 30 - according to a new study.
American Sociological Assn. annual meeting, Aug. 22, 2011
http://www.newswise.com/articles/view/579757/?sc=mwhn
—Ohio State University

---------------------------------------------
- To Save a Marriage, Split Up?
Separating Is Difficult, Success Is Hard to Predict; But for Some, It's a Last, Best Resort

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
The Wall Street Journal
August 9, 2011

After 35 years of marriage, Mark Earnhart came home one day and told his wife, Jeanine, that he wanted a separation. He said he was tired of the bickering and tension, the lack of communication, how they never did anything together anymore.

His wife sadly agreed that the marriage seemed broken. So Mr. Earnhart, a chiropractor, moved out of their home to a furnished apartment on the other side of San Juan Island, in Washington.

Three months later husband and wife were back together. They have been married now for 42 years.

It seems counterintuitive: How can a separation save a marriage? When a couple splits—even for a trial period—isn't that just a pit stop on the way to divorce?

Surprisingly, many marriage therapists recommend a separation, albeit as a measure of last resort. They say that if both spouses set specific parameters, the space and time to think that a trial separation provides just might be what is needed to save the relationship. Still, there are few, if any, statistics that show whether it works or how many couples try separating.

Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y., has helped about 40 couples arrange trial separations over the past 20 years and says that about half reconciled and remained married.

Ms. O'Neill recommends that a separation shouldn't just happen—after one partner storms out, say. The couple should decide who will move out and where that person will live, how the finances will be handled, the care-giving of the kids, what to tell friends and family, and—very importantly—how long the separation will last. She believes that six months is ideal, and most experts agree. It's long enough to set up a second household and gain perspective, but not long enough to seem permanent.

Share Sparingly: The Earnharts discussed their plan to split, and their reasons, with their family, shown on a recent visit. Therapists suggest sharing details only with those closest to you who must know.

If a couple has experienced infidelity, they should deal with that issue in therapy before planning a separation, says Ms. O'Neill.

Marriage therapists say that by the time most couples show up in therapy talking about divorce it's often too late to salvage the relationship. There's so much anger, hurt and mistrust that the partners can't work out their issues.

But what if the partners took a break before the hatred set in? It wouldn't have to be the formal separation that is often a legal precursor to divorce, but an informal break to give the spouses some space to breathe, think and calm down.

Often, the reality-check that marital separations provide—the prospect of unraveling finances, facing dating again, fully grasping the collateral damage done to the kids—is enough to make people resolve to work harder on the marriage.

"Sometimes having a dress rehearsal for divorce makes them realize they don't want to do it," says Richard Levak, a psychologist who works with couples in Del Mar, Calif.

Linda Lea Viken, a divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D., and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says it's important for each party to understand the other's motivation. She has seen cases in which one person isn't really interested in reconciling, but wants to use the separation to buy time to rearrange or dispose of assets.

Ms. Viken also warns couples that the arrangements made during a trial separation, such as who pays the bills and where the children live, may have a big impact on an eventual divorce, if there is one. It will be hard, for example, to convince a judge to award full custody of the children to one parent if in the separation period the couple had agreed to a 50-50 split. For this reason, she suggests that each spouse consult a divorce attorney.

Then there's the fraught issue of whether each party is allowed to see other people during the separation. Some therapists believe that dating is OK, as long as both parties are truly comfortable with the decision. Ms. Viken disagrees. "If one of the parties wants to date, this is not a trial separation, it's the end," she says.

Another tricky issue: What to tell family and friends? Experts say couples should decide together what the party line is, then tell only those people who really need to know. "Until a marriage is going to go down the path of divorce, you should keep as much to yourselves as you can, otherwise it may come back to haunt you if you stay together," Ms. O'Neill says.

The couple separated for three months then reunited.

The Earnharts, who are both 61 and live in Friday Harbor, Wash., decided to separate in 2003. They say they had gotten to the point where they barely spoke. He spent his spare time golfing, and she went shopping or to lunch with friends. They ate dinner in front of the TV without talking, gave each other the silent treatment for days on end, and rarely had sex.

By the time Mr. Earnhart decided to move out, the couple had read numerous self-help books, taken separate vacations and gone to see two marriage therapists. Nothing helped. Ms. Earnhart wrote down a list of things that irritated her about her husband. At the top: The way he chewed, monopolized a conversation and walked like a duck.

"We repelled each other," Mr. Earnhart says.

"I thought, 'Why not do what you want to do?' " adds his wife. "Life is too short and I don't like you anyway."

So he moved to a condo, yet continued to pay the couple's bills. She stayed in their house. They told their adult son and daughter why they were separating and were relieved when their kids said they understood.

And they talked regularly, at first on the phone. Then Mr. Earnhart started coming over to the house with a bottle of wine. They would sit outside, look at the water and discuss how to divide up their assets in a divorce. They talked about how they could communicate better and be less judgmental.

After awhile, they realized they missed their friendship. They talked about the memories they shared—how they'd bought a house and built a life together—and wondered what they were doing by throwing it all away. One night, they ended up in bed together.

"It was kind of like falling in love again," says Ms. Earnhart. "He would come over for some silly reason, and we would have a heck of a conversation and a really good time."

"When you are apart, you have time to reflect, first on all of the things that were upsetting in your life with each other," says her husband. "And then you realize that you've allowed things that maybe aren't really important to take on a life of their own."

After three months of living apart, Mr. Earnhart moved back in. Now, the couple tries to talk out problems as soon as they arise, often leaving each other polite, little notes about an issue, like the one that Ms. Earnhart recently left her husband, telling him she felt he had been rude and didn't want to stew on the issue. He left her a note, apologizing.

They also entertain friends and travel, taking road trips to California and Alaska. Mr. Earnhart cooks dinner each night, and the two often eat while watching—and discussing—whatever is on the Food Network. They have self-published a book about marriage, called "Marriage Works."

"You can get to the point where you feel that there's no way that you will ever fall in love with this person again, but you can," says Ms. Earnhart. "He still waddles like a duck, but now I love him for it."

Taking a Marriage Timeout
Some issues to consider before trying a separation:

• Get a marriage therapist. A trained professional can help mediate between the two parties.

• Consult an attorney specializing in family law. Find out how the terms of the separation could affect any eventual divorce. A consultation sometimes scares people into working harder on their marriage, once they face the reality of what divorced life will be like, says Linda Lea Viken, a divorce lawyer.

• Agree on logistics. Who will leave and where will that person go? Who will pay the bills? Who will take care of the kids and how much time will the other spouse be able to see them?

• Consider email your friend. Writing to each other, rather than meeting or talking on the phone, can be a way to defuse the tension.

• Put your agreement in writing. This doesn't require a lawyer. A therapist can do it. It protects one spouse from taking advantage of the other.

For the full article and photos: http://tinyurl.com/3jhx4wa

Hard to believe the article doesn’t reference Lee Raffel’s Controlled Separation approach. Order an excellent workshop on how to implement the approach here: http://tinyurl.com/3rbfl88
Order the book: Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage here:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

diane

____________________________________

-Conflict levels don’t change much over course of marriage'
By JPOST.COM STAFF
Study finds that people in low-conflict marriages more likely to say they shared decision-making with their spouses.
Jerusalem Post, Aug 22, 2011

Spouses, take heed: A new study suggests your current level of conflict won’t change much during the course of your marriage.

The study followed nearly 1,000 couples over 20 years, from 1980 to 2000. The study found that 16 percent of couples reported little conflict, while 60% reported moderate levels. About 22% of couples say they fight and argue a lot.

“There was a very slight decrease in the amount of conflict reported in the final years of the study, which was slightly larger for the high-conflict couples, said Claire Kamp Dush, lead author of the study and assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University. “ Still, the differences over time were small.”

The researchers used data from the Marital Instability Over the Life Course survey, conducted by researchers at Penn State University. The telephone surveys started with 2,033 married people 55 years of age and younger in 1980, when the study began.

They were asked about quality of marriage and relationship with their spouses, as well as demographic questions. Marital conflict was measured by how often respondents said they disagreed with their spouse.

Researchers found that people in low-conflict marriages were more likely to say they shared decision-making with their spouses. “That’s interesting because you might think that making decisions jointly would create more opportunities for conflict, but that’s not what we found,” Kamp Dush said. “It may be that if both spouses have a say in decision making, they are more satisfied with their relationship and are less likely to fight.”

People in the low conflict group were also more likely than those who reported high levels of conflict to say that they believed in traditional, life-long marriage.

“People who believe marriage should last forever may also believe that fighting is just not worth it. They may be more likely to just let disagreements go,” Kamp Dush said.

The lower conflict couples who had equal decision making tended to fall into a validator marriage category, who report high and middle levels of happiness and no more than middle levels of conflict.

“The validator marriages are often seen as positive because couples are engaged with each other and are happy. We found that in these marriages, each partner shared in decision making and in housework,” Kamp Dush said.

About 20 percent of those surveyed were in high conflict marriages with middle levels of happiness. The remaining participants were in hostile marriages, and were most likely to divorce. Kamp Dush suggested validator marriages may be the healthiest for couples.
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WHAT WORKS - 8/6/11

2011-08-06T15:19:00.001-04:00

- MEASURING WHAT WORKS
- MORE OF WHAT WORKS: REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
- STOSNY: LOVE WITHOUT HURT BOOT CAMP JULY 8-10/DC
- Sunset Inn, a Marriage Retreat Center Opens in Branson, MO
--------------------------------------------------
- MEASURING WHAT WORKS

Dear Diane,

Regarding the national survey, I’d like to suggest that what matters in Healthy Marriage Initiatives is not how many people were served, but whether the divorce rate or cohabitation rate fell, and whether the marriage rate rose. For example, Evansville, IN and three nearby counties have witnessed a 21% drop in their divorce rate and an 11% increase in the marriage rate of all four counties.

I would submit that the reason for that success was that Evansville created a Community Marriage Policy in which churches in the community agreed to reforms in marriage preparation, enrichment, restoration of troubled marriages, reconciliation of separated couples, and gave help for stepfamilies to be successful. And further, that if a Healthy Marriage Initiative did not involve the creation of a Community Marriage Policy, that the divorce rate did not drop in those communities, in spite of all the funded efforts.

Mike McManus
President & Co-Chair
www.marriagesavers.org <http://www.marriagesavers.org/>
301-469-5873

If you are not familiar with Community Marriage Policies, I suggest you listen to the recording of Community Marriage Policies (CMPs) from the Smart Marriages Conference - #750-602. - diane
Order at:
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/
Or at 800-241-7785
________________________________

- MORE OF WHAT WORKS: REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Gen X marriages: Divorce is out, monogamy's in
August 01, 2011|By Susan Reimer
The Baltimore Sun

That's the latest news from the land of Gen X parenthood. Apparently, these children of the divorce boom of the 1970s would rather put chocolate syrup in the baby bottles than put the children through a family break-up.

The number of divorces has been in decline since it peaked in 1980, and that is particularly true of highly educated couples, only 11 percent of whom divorce during their first 10 years of marriage, according to a study by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. That compares to 37 percent of the rest of the population.

Either this generation of college-educated moms and dads has it figured out — "peer" marriages where both parents are in the yoke and duties are shared — or they have seen the headlines that warn of poor outcomes for children of single parents. And this cohort of parents wants only the best outcomes for their children.

In any case, it is easier to put the kids first if you remember too well the pain and confusion of your own parents' divorce. Even if the break-up is civilized, the disruption is tough on children.

This is a different spin on "staying together for the sake of the kids," and it is a worthy goal. But how do you make it to the finish line? What happens when the magic ends?

Author Iris Krasnow, who has been chronicling the angst of Boomers since she wrote "Surrendering to Motherhood" in 1997, has just completed a new book, "The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What it Really Takes to Stay Married." It is due out in October.

She spent two years interviewing 200 couples who had been married from 15 to 70 years to find out what makes marriage last.

"The happiest marriages are the ones where both partners have their own life, their own income, their own interests," she said during an interview in her Annapolis kitchen.

"The unhappiest marriages are the ones where someoneis swallowed by the other."

Ms. Krasnow, who has been married for 23 years and is raising four boys, admitted that there are marriages that "need to end." A love child with the household help, regular visits to prostitutes, sending sexy cell phone pictures of yourself to women you meet on Facebook. These might be good reasons to divorce. Boredom is not.

"Ask yourself, 'Am I happy?' The answer is going to be 'Not all the time.' But you are in a relationship that is better for your health, better for you economically, and you are creating a tapestry, a history, that you will be passing on to your kids," said Ms. Krasnow.

Understand that no one else can make you happy, Ms. Krasnow said. Only you can do that.

"If we all left our marriages when they became unromantic, none of us would be married. The renewal has to spring from within."

If this generation is expecting to stay married, they have their work cut out for them. They need to start, Ms. Krasnow said, by lowering their expectations. "The march down the aisle is not a march to happiness."

----------------------------------------
- - STOSNY: LOVE WITHOUT HURT BOOT CAMP JULY 8-10/DC

Sept 16-18, Gaithersburg, MD (near Washington, DC).
9:30-5:30
The camps always sell out, reserve early.

A weekend Treatment of Resentment, Anger, or Emotional Abuse developed
to meet the overwhelming requests for the model as demonstrated on Oprah.
This group bootcamp version includes learning how to replace
resentment, anger, and jealousy with COMPASSIONATE NEGOTIATION plus
relapse prevention.

The Boot Camp produces dramatic change in a short time for those who do the
work. The tone is healing, not accusatory, compassionate not blaming,
valuing not devaluing, and, most of all, empowering. The first two days
focus on self-healing and developing core value and self-compassion. The
last day focuses on relationship repair.

$699 per single person/$899 per couple (includes 24 hrs of workshop, manual,
handouts, CD-ROMs,
3 recorded webinars, beverages, and snacks). Wyndham Gardens, Gaithersburg -
$89 s/d For
Info or to register:
http://tinyurl.com/3fjvm4n

For individuals or couples with problems of resentment, anger or emotional
abuse, OR, attend to learn how to use this approach in any setting.

You can see clips of the approach from Oprah and testimonials on the
Compassion Power website. http://tinyurl.com/3fjvm4n

You can download and listen to his workshops
from the Orlando Smart Marriages Conference at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

#750-301
Love Without Hurt
Steven Stosny, PhD
Learn how to use this approach in marriage education
settings to help overcome entrenched resentment, anger,
verbal and emotional abuse BEFORE you try to teach
communication skills.
_____________________________
- Sunset Inn, a Marriage Retreat Center Opens in Branson, MO

Two promising signs of the times: first, that this Marriage Retreat Center has opened, second, private endowments like this one setting an example. - diane

BRANSON, Mo., Aug. 5, 2011
Christian Newswire <http://www.christiannewswire.com>

The National Institute of Marriage, located at the newly renovated Sunset Inn, will host an open house and dedication of Sunset Inn, a marriage retreat center in Branson, Missouri. This new retreat center will serve as the home of the highly successful Marriage Intensives that have been facilitated by the National Institute of Marriage for over a decade. This new facility boasts incredible lake views of Lake Taneycomo, private guest rooms, and a main dining hall for couples to gather in. Following the Open House, a private dinner will be held to honor Carl Long and Marge Webb, the couple who's gift of $350,000 has made this marriage retreat center possible.

The ministry began as a part of the Smalley Relationship Center and in 2003 Greg Smalley founded a non-profit organization, the National Institute of Marriage. This organizations is dedicated to saving marriages and inspiring couples toward greatness. Today the ministry serves hundreds of couples from all over the nation in Intensive Marriage Counseling Programs that produce results of 84.6% of the participating couples remaining married after 2 years.

"We are pleased to honor Carl and Marge, as well as dedicate this amazing facility. The quality of what the couples experience has improved since we opened Sunset Inn," said Mark Pyatt, Co-President of the National Institute of Marriage. "We know this will be a place of refuge for many marriages, giving couples with painful and complex situations hope for a new beginning. All of the ministry at this location will build on the legacy of this wonderful couple."

--------------------------------------------------

- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

National Marriage Support Survey / Crazy Stupid - 8/3/11

2011-08-03T18:08:00.000-04:00

- NEED YOUR HELP ON NATIONAL SURVEY

The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center is working on a 50-State Profile of all state and federal government-supported healthy marriage initiatives, programs, and activities. Dr. Alan Hawkins is writing this document with a group of Research Assistants at Brigham Young University. Each state (and DC) profile will include a brief history of all government supported efforts in that state. This includes the various programs supported by federal grants from the Administration for Children and Families (OFA, ORR, ANA, OCSE, ,CB, OHS, etc.) or other federal offices, as well as state-funded programs.

While basic information about the various grantee programs is usually available, what is lacking often is data about the actual success, or the number of individuals/couples who have received educational services from these government-supported programs and initiatives. So Dr. Hawkins has put together a very brief web-based survey for grantees or other organizations that have received government support to report their success. He would like to include these numbers in the profiles along with a brief description of programs.

Participation in this survey is completely voluntary. However, would you please consider taking 5 minutes to report the number of individuals/couples you have been able to serve each year? The web address for the survey is listed below. Just click on it to start. Thanks in advance for your help with this good cause.

https://byu.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_b96iKGQdBcTIndi

----------------------------------------------

- CRAZY, STUPID LOVE

Hi, Diane -
We saw Crazy, Stupid Love this weekend and it has a positive message about NOT giving up on your marriage when there are challenges. BUT, as always, I wish they had offered suggestions about HOW couples can "fight for the marriage" rather than give up...maybe someday. In any case, I recommend it.

Ellen Purcell
PAIRS Master Teacher
www.PAIRSVA.com <http://www.pairsva.com/>

- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Cuddle Up / Divorce Reform / FREE Anxiety Webinar - 7/28/11

2011-07-28T11:47:00.001-04:00

- CUDDLE UP
- HOW THE CATHOLIC CHURCH UNDERMINES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
- UPDATE FROM DIVORCE REFORM COALITION
- CHOOSING WISELY – BEFORE YOU DIVORCE
- FREE STOSNY WEBINAR: ANXIETY THE ENDLESS ALARM
__________________________________
- CUDDLE UP
UK Marriage News, July 2011

· Is a cuddle better than sex? Don't panic if the passion is gone. New research says it's hugs not hanky-panky that keeps couples together
According to new research, the frequency of cuddling is a far better indicator of the strength of a relationship than how often you’re swinging from the chandeliers says the Daily Mail . ‘Cuddling provides not just sensual pleasure, but also a feeling of comfort, security and companionship, all of which are just as important to a relationship as sex,’ explains Paula Hall, relationship expert for online dating service Parship. In fact, maintaining an intimate connection without the wild abandon of the hormonal early days can be vital for a happy relationship.

‘The advantage of non-sexual intimacy is that couples often use this time together to talk about their emotional lives,’ says Paula. ‘Whereas when sex is their only way of getting close, couples who find emotional openness difficult often rely on making love to help them connect. They can find themselves missing out on other levels of intimacy.’
If sex is the focus, it can mean that emotional problems are never discussed — whereas non-sexual touching, such as cuddling and stroking, encourages more relaxed bonding and intimate conversation, due in large part to the crucial ‘cuddle hormone’ oxytocin.

‘Oxytocin is produced by touch and, as well as making us feel good, it also inspires us to touch more,’ says Paula. ‘That means that the more you touch, the closer you feel and the more you want to touch.’ Once assumed to be related only to childbirth, because of the role it plays in both encouraging contractions and then chemically bonding mother and newborn, recent research suggests that oxytocin’s ability to promote feelings of calm, love and connection also extends to couples in monogamous relationships. The feeling of ‘melding’ that happens when you gaze into a loved one’s eyes, and the after-effects of calm and well-being that follow even non-sexual physical intimacy, could all be down to this miraculous hormone.

'Couples who find emotional openness difficult often rely on making love to help them connect, missing out on other levels of intimacy' ‘We used to think that oxytocin was found only in the pregnant uterus, but in fact it’s found in many sites in the body,’ says clinical psychiatrist and author Dr Brenda Davies. ‘It’s been called “the love hormone” and its levels in our blood certainly increase when we hug, when we feel loving and even when we stroke a beloved pet. So it has a huge role to play in intimacy — and not just of the sexual kind.’

This wonder-hormone may even help you to broach difficult subjects. New research suggests that oxytocin can prevent the body’s ‘freeze’ response to threat, and reduce ‘fight-or-flight’ panic. So if you have a tricky discussion about money or the kids coming up, a big cuddle before you begin talking is the perfect way to approach a difficult subject. Oxytocin has also been shown to decrease blood pressure and the stress hormone cortisol, which has been linked to weight gain and a depressed immune system. ‘It even plays a part in raising our self-esteem and, therefore, improves our capacity to have healthy, close relationships,’ says Dr Davies. ‘It’s also a powerful natural anti-inflammatory, and has anti-ageing properties — one reason why people living isolated lives, with little human touch, can age prematurely.’

Experiments with animals have shown that it can play a major role in ‘pair-bonding’ among certain species — like the adoring prairie vole, which mates for life and ‘cuddles’ its chosen partner during lengthy grooming sessions. The same urge to be physically close without necessarily having sex is evident in humans. One study suggests that after the intense sexual passion of the first few months, partners become ‘imprinted’ on each other. Once bonded, just the sight of your partner triggers a surge of oxytocin and a need for physical closeness that can be satisfied simply by cuddling.

This is good news for couples who still love each other but can’t summon the energy for seduction on a nightly basis. While men and women produce equal amounts of oxytocin, its effects are intensified by oestrogen, meaning women tend to have functionally higher concentrations of the hormone. A Cambridge University study found that men who were given higher doses of oxytocin displayed greater levels of empathy with other’s emotions.

'The great advantage of cuddling is that, unlike sex, you can do it anywhere, any time' ‘When this hormone’s flowing freely, it puts us in a peaceful, happy state of mind,’ says Dr Keith Kendrick, who led the study. ‘It helps us feel emotionally connected to whoever’s the source of that touch and gets men’s oxytocin levels on a par with women’s. ‘For many women, you could say oxytocin is a godsend, as it makes men more empathetic.’

Of course, it’s often assumed that women are happy with a platonic cuddle, while men are always eager to get down to business. But another recent study from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction suggests a different story. According to its research, among middle-aged couples in committed relationships, tenderness is often more important to the man than the woman; regular kisses and cuddling lead to greater relationship satisfaction in men than in their partners.

Paula Hall says: ‘Inevitably, there are times when sex isn’t an option due to illness or stress. By keeping in touch with hugging, a couple can continue to express their love and affection for each other.’

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/
--------------------------------------------------------
- HOW THE CATHOLIC CHURCH UNDERMINES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
http://tinyurl.com/3r6sxoy

. . . . the Catholic Church in America. They do not address the sin of adultery for parties who abandon their spouses. Instead of admonishing the sinner, the unfaithful spouse is virtually invited to marry the seductress after getting an annulment. I have never heard of the Church in the U.S. doing anything, in practice, to correct any spouse or prevent scandal. We never read about decrees instructing a particular adulterous spouse to stop committing adultery or to stop receiving Communion. . . .
____________________________________
- UPDATE FROM DIVORCE REFORM COALITION

How has divorce affected your own extended family and friends? Are there documented health and financial benefits associated with marriage? Can military couples who saved their marriages inspire hope for marriage in the general public? And is Ohio's legal roadmap for saving marriages too good to be true?

There are just some of the topics explored in the latest articles at the Coalition for Divorce Reform, www.divorcereform.info. We hope you will find them interesting and consider forwarding the link to colleagues.

Our website that has become one of the top five most visited marriage and divorce sites in the nation almost overnight. We have leaders in more than a dozen states dedicated to passing the Parental Divorce Reduction Act to protect the million children a year who are victims of divorce. But our only chance of passing groundbreaking legislation is through the development of a grassroots effort which depends on continued social networking in order to get the word out. Here's how you can help:

"Like" our Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Coalition-For-Divorce-Reform/175335009188866
Post our blogs to your own Facebook page.
Tweet articles to your followers -- our new Twitter button at the end of each article lets you tweet with just one click.
If not a Facebook member, you can forward our newsletter to a group of your friends and acquaintances by e-mail.
Finally, consider lending your time -- a lot or a little-- by joining our new CDR Community Page and letting us know how you can help by clicking the link "How Can I Help" on our home page.

Thank you for helping build the first national movement for divorce reform in forty years.
Chris Gersten, Chair & Founder
Beverly Willett, Vice Chair
Coalition for Divorce Reform

____________________________________
- Choosing Wisely – Before You Divorce
Mike McManus
July 28, 2011

In the 1980s Steve Grissom experienced a divorce he did not want. He was shattered.   He was buffeted between lawyers and courts, attorneys charging huge fees. The impact on his child was devastating. It was the worst experience of his life.

Eventually in 1989 he got through it with a divorce decree. However, the problems did not cease. Stress continued over custody, visitation and money.

When he looked for books or articles on how to recover from a divorce, he found little. Grissom did remarry in 1991, and in time his life stabilized.

As a television executive in Raleigh, N.C. he decided to create a resource to help others deal with the pain he had experienced in series of videos (now DVDs) to help people in his situation recover from an unwanted divorce. The result was a 13-part series he called “DivorceCare” released in 1994.

He wrote a workbook for participants to help individuals deal with their difficult emotions of grief over loss, anger at their ex- for abandoning their vows “for better, for worse” and the need to help their children with similar emotions.

Thousands of churches bought the “teach out of the box” kit and began offering “DivorceCare” classes to hurting ex-husbands and ex-wives.

“You don’t have to go through it alone,” headlines one of their summaries. “Most people will tell you that separation and divorce are the most painful and stressful experiences they’ve ever faced. It’s a confusing time when you feel isolated and have lots of questions about issues you’ve never faced before.”

DivorceCare groups meet weekly to help people face those challenges and move toward rebuilding their lives. Each DivorceCare Session has two distinct elements:

A.      Seminar with Experts. The group watches a DVD of 30-40 minutes which features experts on such topics as Facing my Anger, Facing my Depression and What Does the Owner’s Manual Say, which explores what the Bible says about divorce. One expert is H. Norman Wright, author of more than 50 books on marriage.
B.      Support Group With Focus. DivorceCare participants then discuss what was presented in that week’s DVD seminar, and what’s going on in their lives.

I went online and to find a Divorce Care group near me. I typed in my Zip Code, and sure enough, up popped 6 groups currently meeting, and 18 groups about to begin. Most are held in Protestant churches of diverse denominations, but one was in a hospital.

Some churches began using the series with a different goal – to persuade couples considering divorce to reconsider. Grissom heard of cases of marriages that were saved, though that was not DivorceCare’s goal.

That made him think, “Why not create a video series aimed at helping couples considering divorce to reconsider? He released a five-part series, “Before You Divorce” in 1996. Sales were not great, however. When he asked pastors why, one replied, “No one wants to walk out of the church library with a kit headlined BEFORE YOU DIVORCE.

Grissom changed the name to CHOOSING WISELY…Before You Divorce, the latter part of which is in very small writing!

The first segment describes divorce as “An Out-of-Control Train,” in which one or both partners hire an attorney. Separation occurs, with legal documents to follow. One or both spouses begin a new relationship. “The momentum accelerates quickly as attorneys build walls between the couple.”

The program outlines how to “put on the brakes to stop the train.” Grissom appears on camera to say this is not “marriage enrichment” to improve communication.

They don’t even try to persuade viewers not to divorce. “Our purpose is to help you make the decision on whether to divorce or to stay together, a decision that will shape the rest of your life.” he says.

The series is stark. One woman says, “I saw him in the restaurant with other women.” Her spouse responds, “We started having arguments and objects were being thrown.” Grissom declares, “There’s no such thing as a friendly divorce, a civil divorce. A divorce attorney admits, “Divorce is war.”

The course is also Biblical. Participants are led through a daily Bible study, some of which is surprising. Psalm 66: “If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.” People are asked to make a commitment to Christ as part of their decision-making process.
-------------------------
Both DVD resources are great for any church. Go to www.churchinitiative.org <http://www.churchinitiative.org> .
Mike McManus is President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist.

_______________________________

- FREE STOSNY WEBINAR: ANXIETY THE ENDLESS ALARM
Join Steven Stosny for a free Webinar on anxiety and how to use it to your advantage, Sunday, August 14, 2 pm EDT.
You do not need a microphone or any interactive equipment for the seminar. You do need to register. Space limited.
Register here: http://tinyurl.com/3d58h7g

-----------------------------------------------
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subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
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Dating Survey / Mothers Against Home Wreckers (MAHW) / Books / Grant Resources - 7/20/11

2011-07-20T17:28:00.001-04:00

- PARENT’S NEEDED FOR SURVEY
- WHY AREN’T WE MAD AT THE MISTRESSES?
- REGARDING BOOK AND GRANT RESOURCES
___________________________________

- PARENT’S OF SINGLE ADULTS NEEDED FOR SURVEY
Jill Boelter, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of Texas at Austin, needs parents to complete a 20 min, anonymous online survey for her dissertation project. The study will evaluate parents’ thoughts about their grown child’s dating relationship. Any parent with a child 18 years or older may participate. The child may be single, or in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship. Participants may enter a drawing for a chance to win one of 30 gift cards worth $25. Follow this link to learn more or to participate: http://www.utparentsstudy.com/

This one requires a very specific population so hope that if you fit, you can find the time. And/or, forward to anyone who fits the requirements. As you know, helping with a survey is always a learning experience – increases self-awareness as it helps you define yourself, assess your attitudes, etc. - diane
_______________________________________

- WHY AREN’T WE MAD AT THE MISTRESSES?
The Washington Post
July 8, 2011
By Roland C. Warren

(I’m sure we’re not the only folks that agree with Roland on this one! Who wants to organize MAHW? - diane )

On May 3, 1980, a hit-and-run driver killed Candy Lightner’s 13-year-old daughter, Cari. Candy was devastated. But she was also mad — not only about the senseless death of her daughter but also because of the lenient sentences given to repeat DWI offenders.

Lightner decided to make the tragedy of Cari’s death something positive for herself and for other families. She turned her outrage into action and organized Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

Recently, as a litany of high-profile men have made headlines for cheating on their wives, I have been reflecting on the need for another Lightner-style, mother-led campaign.

Anthony Weiner is just the latest in a long line of famous men who have strayed: Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Tiger Woods and Eliot Spitzer also have been publicly excoriated for their disgraceful behavior.

But the women with whom they cheated, who all knew they were getting involved with married men (all but one of whom were fathers), have not drawn similar criticism. In fact, the opposite is true: They have been celebrated.

Rielle Hunter, with whom John Edwards had an affair, helped create a wreckage of grand proportions for Elizabeth Edwards and her children. But Hunter was given star treatment by The Oprah Winfrey Show. In that interview, she said that she didn’t regret the affair and that she had simply followed her heart.

What was call girl Ashley Dupre’s penance for helping Spitzer devastate his wife and daughters? She is now a New York Post advice columnist and has been a featured panelist on The View, where she tried to portray herself as a victim. In late 2009, Extra! even sought her marital advice for Tiger Woods and his wife.

Woods was reported to have cheated with multiple women. But take the treatment of just one, Jaimee Grubbs. She landed a photo shoot with Maxim, graced the cover of another men’s magazine and conducted several media interviews.

The circumstances of these affairs vary, but there are troubling common threads. Yes, many people feel sympathy for the wives. But consider how high-profile adulterous affairs play out in the media: The shamed husband and father is dragged into the public square, generally now before cameras, for a well-deserved stoning. And the other woman is escorted on stage by a team of publicists, lawyers and other handlers who turn her into a celebrity.

There is a danger in fame and infamy being synonymous.

We are, as a society, a long way from making such women wear a scarlet A. But it was not so long ago that the community of mothers was organized and vocal and got fighting mad at women who were a danger to their families.

Our society needs similar values today.

Back then, women who preyed on other women’s husbands were shunned, shamed and excluded, not made into media darlings. They were publicly pointed out as those kinds of women to young girls as examples of what not to become, and to young boys as the type of women not worthy of their attention.

Mothers knew that these women were as much predator as they were prey. That’s why they were called home wreckers in polite company and worse when the kids were not in earshot. These angry mothers, while rightly holding their husbands and the fathers of their children to the pledge of fidelity, realized what would happen not just to their families but also to society if this type of behavior were celebrated rather than confronted.

Where are today’s Candy Lightners? Isn’t there something to be mad about?

Roland C. Warren is president of the National Fatherhood Initiative (www.fatherhood.org). His e-mail address is rwarren@fatherhood.org.

------------------------------------------
- REGARDING BOOK AND GRANT RESOURCES

I understand why it makes authors crazy if I endorse some books and not others. All I can say is that I receive at least one marriage book a week and I cannot read or endorse all of them. When I find one that I think is unique, I feel I should let the list know. The endorsements are not for sale. Promise. I have found that when I have time to read what comes in that almost all of the books are of high quality and wonderful. I just don’t have time to read all of them and I won’t endorse the ones I don’t read.

Ditto for the Grant Resource mentions. I realize all the programs are great resources for the current round of grant applications. I listed the first two I received for Dibble and Love Thinks, but now have come to realize that I can’t list ALL the Marriage Education programs. They’re all effective and appropriate and you should check the Directory of Programs at Smart Marriages and click on each program’s link for info on how they might be specifically suited as resources for the current round of applications. I have walked several callers through this process, and know, for example that the Mastering the Mysteries of Love, Ten Great Dates, and Keeping FAITH (Tijerina’s prison/marriage/fatherhood) programs each have specific help to offer applicants. - diane
All the programs will work with you to help you decide how to include their programs in your applications. - diane
_____________________________________
- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Mars/Venus / Sexuality / Body Mass Index / Grant Resources / Play Together / Christian Women

2011-07-19T16:19:00.001-04:00

- BACK IN THE SADDLE
- THE SEARCH TERMS OF DESIRE
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, GUESS I BETTER HEAD TO THE GYM
- WHY I’M STILL HOT FOR MY WIFE
- GRANT RESOURCES
- WE’RE NO FUN ANYMORE – NEW BOOK BY BRAFF AND SCHWARZ
- EMPOWERING CHRISTIAN WOMEN IN MARRIAGE
________________________________

- BACK IN THE SADDLE
As some have noticed, I’ve been away – my annual time-share with my Mom. While I was gone the smartmarriages website went down – the host says it was due to traffic?? That doesn’t sound plausible but in any case, it’s is back up and running. Thanks to all of you who alerted me. Now on to the list - lots of marriage news is backed up. I’ll try to get to all your posts.   - diane
______________________________
- THE SEARCH TERMS OF DESIRE
This review by Diana McLellan (7/17/11/Washingtion Post) of the new book, A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World’s Largest Experiment Reveals About Human Desire, made me think immediately of John Gray and the vilification he endured when he said Mars and Venus are different. Research, like this study, has since piled up to demonstrate just how very right he was. Kind of like Galileo! This study confirms what we already know, but always good to have confirmation. It’s also unearths some fascinating tidbits – guess I’ll skip the gym today and head for Dunkin Donuts, instead. And, guess it’s safe to put the cheerleader skirt in the Goodwill bag.   - diane

A hundred million men in the United States and Canada sought and accessed online porn in 2008. That same year, 74.8 million people — more than 90 percent of them women, of course — read a romance novel.

In a nutshell, ladies and gents, that’s why they can’t cook up Viagra for women. We of the tender gender don’t crave those hunky-funky close-ups. Our sexual brain circuitry is built to handle exquisitely delicate, elaborate physical and psychological arousal cues — emotional, social and intuitive as well as sexual — almost all essentially directed at snagging a worthy daddy. The Democratic pol who tweets a pic of his bulgy drawers? He won’t turn a lady on at all.

Males, of course, are the ones who pay for porn. According to research at Duke University, even male monkeys, such as Rhesus macaques, gladly fork out their coin of the realm — treasured juicy treats — for peeps at photographs of a bright female monkey-part. . . .

For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/3pvc3ye
__________________________________
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, GUESS I BETTER HEAD TO THE GYM
Happiness is... her being slimmer than him: How women who weigh less than their husbands have better marriages
By Daniel Bates
18th July 2011
The secret of a happy marriage might be nothing more complicated than the wife being slimmer than her husband.
A four-year study suggests that, in the short and long term, both partners are more contented if the woman has a lower Body Mass Index.
Initially men stay in the relationship because they find their thinner partner attractive, researchers concluded.
Full article: http://tinyurl.com/6gjzktt
_____________________________
- WHY I’M STILL HOT FOR MY WIFE
After the Schwarzenegger and Strauss-Kahn scandals, I'm starting to feel like the odd man out. But am I?
Lawrence Bush, Salon.com

. . . Whew. I've looked at these scenes of sex without kissing, without caring, without communion, and all I do is shudder. Is that what men really want? I can't relate. . . . I'm a girlie-man. . . . It took a long while to achieve that status.

This one is a must read (tho might be a bit discouraging for young wives with its message: if you hang in, husbands mature....)
http://tinyurl.com/3s7wh8n

------------------------------------------------
- GRANT RESOURCES
Diane-
We have received requests for grant-related information regarding the PICK and LINKS curricula for the Healthy Marriage/Relationships and Fatherhood grants, so we have put up a web page with PICK and LINKS curriculum program summaries and evaluation results. Please let the list know of this resource for research-based, evaluated materials for teens and young adults, premarital couples and married couples. Also, there is a significant discount for non-profits and grassroots organizations! Just click here: http://www.lovethinks.com/ResearchesGrants/Grant_Resources_2011.
John Van Epp
_____________________________

- WE’RE NO FUN ANYMORE – NEW BOOK BY BRAFF AND SCHWARZ
We’re No FUN Anymore:
Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages Through the Power of Play
By Robert Schwarz and Elaine Braff

“Robert Schwarz and Elaine Braff are insightful, experienced therapists who present a fresh and lively approach to couples therapy that is highly practical. Helping couples cultivate positive playful attitudes and behaviors is vital to marital satisfaction. Focusing on the positive aspects of relationships like laughter, humor, and fun creates a common bond between the sexes that can help sustain love.” — John Gray, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

“This book should be handed out with each marriage license and be required reading for every couples counselor. It’s complete and is all that’s needed to help couples play together and stay together. I review so many books about marriage, but this one is truly unique. Instead of how to manage conflict, it’s all about how to manage fun. Instead of how to fight fair, it’s all about how to play with abandon. You can’t read it without feeling optimistic, inspired, energized and determined to put more frolic and gusto in your marriage and your practice.” — Diane Sollee, SmartMarriages.com

Available near top of book list at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist

- EMPOWERING CHRISTIAN WOMEN IN MARRIAGE
Here’s another book I strongly endorse: I Want to Stay Married But How?: Empowering Christian Women In Marriage. It’s a great book for Christian women of any stage/age who might be struggling with marriage – so complete that you can just hand it to them and I predict it will turn them around. The author, Kathy Schoenborn, has managed to weave in all the best advice from the Smart Marriage experts with Christian principles and her own journey in a way that makes the Marriage advice incredibly accessible – easy to understand, accept, and apply. She has managed to include the wisdom of just about every Smart Marriages presenter including John Gottman, Lori Gordon, Michelle Weiner-Davis, Harville Hendrix, Pat Love, Tim Gardner, Scott Stanley, Terry Real, Sue Johnson, Frank Pittman, Willard Harley. Gary Smalley, Emerson Eggrich, Elizabeth Marquardt, David Popenoe, Mike McMannus, Judith Wallerstein, Linda Waite, Lee Raffel......the wisdom rolls on and on. I loved reading it because I could often remember exactly the moment when so many of the gems of wisdom were delivered at one keynote or workshop or another. I’d sit there wondering how we could get these nuggets to couples in a way that they can use it. Schoenborn, herself a counselor, has done a great job – and getting this book to women you know will help us turn the tide.

Available near top of book list at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist
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Grant Resources / Infidelity Keeps Us Together - 7/3/11

2011-07-03T14:00:00.000-04:00

- GRANT RESOURCES
- INFIDELITY KEEPS US TOGETHER (??)
______________________________

- GRANT RESOURCES
Hi Diane-
In response to queries about how to select an appropriate curriculum for the Healthy Marriage/Relationships and Fatherhood grants, we have put up a web page with Dibble's curricula laid out against grant check-lists, program summaries, and evaluation results. Please let the list know of this resource for research based, evaluated materials for teens and young adults.
http://www.dibbleinstitute.org/?page_id=6
Kay Reed
Dibble Institute

______________________________
- INFIDELITY KEEPS US TOGETHER (??)
Scandals be damned. The goal of marriage, argues Dan Savage devoted husband, proud father, sex columnist should be stability, not monogamy.
The New York Times Sunday Magazine
July 3, 2011

This headline, as presented on the magazine cover on an eye-catching, red-heart graphic, did not include the question marks. I added them. The Wiener, Spitzer, Vitter, Schwarzenegger et al scandals do, once again, open the concept of marital monogamy to this kind of examination. With the seemingly endless public scandals and all the questions generated, you NEED to read this one in its entirety. The article is written by Mark Oppenheimer but is focused on debating the opinions promoted by Dan Savage in his widely read Savage Love sex-advice column. You should know who Savage is, what he’s saying – his pro-family/monogamash/GGG positions, etc.   We have already gone over all this at Smart Marriages with presentations from Barry McCarthy, Pat Love, John Gray, Esther Perel, Peggy Vaughan, etc, etc.....Mating in Captivity, Married Sex As it Ought to Be, Mars & Venus in the Bedroom, Hot Monogamy, The Monogamy Myth, etc etc - and, the article is long and you are busy on this hot holiday weekend, so, if you don’t have time, here are some excerpts to give you at least the flavor of the debate:

. . . Today, Savage Love is less a sex column than a relationship column, one point of which is to help good unions last. Sexual fulfillment matters in its own right, but mainly it matters because without it, families are more likely to break apart. It is for the sake of staying together — not merely for the sake of orgasms — that Savage coined his famous acronym, “G.G.G.”: lovers ought to be good, giving and game (put another way, skilled, generous and up for anything). And if they cannot fulfill all of each other’s desires, then it may be advisable to decide to go outside the bounds of marriage if that is what it takes to make the marriage work. . . .

. . . .“The mistake that straight people made,” Savage told me, “was imposing the monogamous expectation on men. Men were never expected to be monogamous. Men had concubines, mistresses and access to prostitutes, until everybody decided marriage had to be egalitarian and fairsey.” In the feminist revolution, rather than extending to women “the same latitude and license and pressure-release valve that men had always enjoyed,” we extended to men the confines women had always endured. “And it’s been a disaster for marriage.” . . . .

. . . “If you are expected to be monogamous and have one person be all things sexually for you, then you have to be whores for each other,” Savage says. “You have to be up for anything.”

Savage’s straight-talk approach has an intuitive appeal: our culture places a huge premium on honesty, or at least on confessional, therapeutic, Oprah-fied admissions. We are told to say what is on our minds, so why not extend that principle to sex? Why not tell your spouse everything you want, even if that includes wanting another person? My sense is that this kind of radical honesty may work best for couples who already have strong marriages. Where there is love and equality and no history of betrayal, one partner asking if she can have a fling may not be so risky. Her partner either says yes, and it happens, you hope, with only the best consequences; or the partner says no, in which case their relationship endures, maybe with a little disappointment on one side, a little suspicion on the other.

That is the ideal situation. What if the revelation that a partner is thinking about others creates a shift, one that plagues the marriage? Words have consequences, and most couples, knowing that jealousy is real and can beset any of us, opt for a tacit code of reticence. Not just about sex but about all sorts of things: there are couples who can express opinions about each other’s clothing choices or cooking or taste in movies, and there are couples who cannot. I don’t mind if my wife tells me another man is hot, but it took me a long time to accept her criticism of my writing. We all have many sensitive spots, but one of the most universal is the fear of not being everything to your partner — the fear, in other words, that she might find somebody worthier. It is the fear of being alone. . . . .

. . . Spring and Doyle both hint at a larger truth about men and women, which is that, generally speaking, they view sex differently. While there are plenty of women who can separate sex from love, can be happily promiscuous or could have a meaningless, one-time fling, there are — let’s face it — more men like that. The world of Savage Love will always appeal more to men, even men who truly love their partners. Cheating men are often telling the truth when they say, “She meant nothing to me.” It really was just sex. . . .

. . . .But for many women, and not a few men, there is no such thing as “just sex,” for their partners or for themselves. What if a woman, or a man for that matter, looks outside marriage for the other emotional satisfactions that come along with sex? Savage has less to offer that person. He does not tell people to take long-term boyfriends or girlfriends. He is skeptical that group marriages, of three or more partners, can last very long. Nor could he have much to offer the person who feels a partner ought to constrain his urges. There is a reason that sex advice is easier to give than relationship advice. Satisfying a sexual yearning is easier than satisfying a hole in your life.

In an e-mail he sent me, Savage countered that “there are plenty of women out there who have affairs just for the sex.” But he agreed that there is something male about his perspective. “Well, I’m male,” he wrote. “And women, straight women, are in relationships with men. Doesn’t it help to know what we’re really like? Women can go on marrying and pretending that their boyfriends and husbands are Mr. Darcy or some RomCom dream man. But where’s that going to get ’em? Besides divorce court?” . . .

. . . . Like Savage, Coontz says she believes that “people often end up exploding a relationship that was working well because one partner strays or has an affair that doesn’t mean anything.”

. . . Coontz said. “For thousands of years it was expected of men they would have affairs and flings, but not on the terms of honesty and equality Dan envisions. I can certainly see the appeal of suggesting we try and make this an open, mutual, gender-equal arrangement. I’m a little dubious how much that is going to work.”

It was not until the 20th century that Americans evolved an understanding of marriage in which partners must meet all of each other’s needs: sexual, emotional, material. When we rely on our partners for everything, any hint of betrayal is terrifying. “That is the bind we are in,” Coontz said. “We accord so much priority to the couple relationship. It is tough under those conditions for most people to live with the insecurity of giving their partners permission to have flings.” . . . .

Full Article: http://tinyurl.com/6bk78dx
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Grant Announcements/ Hax of a Job / Divorce Reform Conference Call - 6/29/11

2011-06-29T11:03:00.001-04:00

- GRANT ANNOUNCEMENTS OUT
- MARRIAGE OR COHABITATION: CAROLYN HAX COLUMN
- REGISTER NOW FOR THE DIVORCE REFORM CONFERENCE CALL
______________________________________
- GRANT ANNOUNCEMENTS OUT
http://www.scoop.it/t/ideals
____________________________________
- MARRIAGE OR COHABITATION: CAROLYN HAX COLUMN

Carolyn Hax did such a good job answering this one – couldn’t have said it better myself – I’m going to reprint part of the column. - diane

History of divorce makes boyfriend fear committing
Hi, Carolyn: I've been dating my boyfriend for two years (he's 29, I'm 30). I'm the first person he's imagined living with or marrying. I'm a little reluctant to go all-in for living together without a firm commitment to each other, but he views it as a necessary first step to make sure we're compatible.

He also recently revealed that he is terrified of divorce, which I had some suspicion about because his parents split when he was 12, his brother just announced his divorce after seven years, and several of his good friends have gotten divorced.

He told me he has serious commitment issues, which he is just beginning to realize, and that in his mind, marriage means divorce. He usually has a look-at-the-positive mind-set, except for this, which he acknowledges. My exposure to marriage has been very, very different.

I don't think of living together as a trial run, I see it as something two people do when they are completely ready to commit to each other. -- Not Scarred by Divorce

Dear Not Scarred: You just made a case for pre-marriage prep. Not counseling, but an education tailored to making your choice of life partner an informed one, versus wishfully thought.

Given his exposure to marriage, what would it say about him if he were steadfast in his belief that divorce wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't happen to him? Your boyfriend gave both of you a gift with his honesty about his misgivings.

So use it well. If you and he were planning a honeymoon, you'd be researching deals, vaccinations, visas, sights. You can give the marriage idea at least as much thought and research just by exploring the various programs available to couples considering marriage. Secular or religious, quickie seminar or course, group or private -- vetting programs can be the first of many exercises in thinking strategically, sharing deeply and functioning jointly. Find the program, attend, explore, and see what your experience (and others' insight) tells you is your next logical step.

Too commonly, people see marriage as the objective to achieve (or avoid) when a marriage is only as good as the skills you bring to it. Acquiring those skills will support your vision of commitment, and lessen his fear of his.

Way to go, Carolyn! Full column here: http://tinyurl.com/5wn6hpl
Hax frequently lists the Smart Marriages Directory of classes website in her column....maybe the editors took it out today.
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Directory.BrowsePrograms
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
- REGISTER NOW FOR THE DIVORCE REFORM CONFERENCE CALL

Wednesday: July 6 – 3PM EST

Register at www.divorcereform.info <http://www.divorcereform.info> to get call-in information.
The Coalition for Divorce Reform (CDR), now active in twenty states, is invites you to join the conference call to learn how you might help publicize the campaign for Divorce Reform, promote the CDR website blog through Facebook and other social networking, and/or help with state grassroots organizing. The campaign is based on the Parental Divorce Reduction Act (PDRA) that would require couples with children, where there is no domestic violence involved, to participate in at least six hours of marriage education and an eight month waiting period before they could file for divorce. You are warmly welcomed to listen – learn what it’s all about – no obligation to participate.
According to CDR founder, Chris Gersten, when this legislation becomes law in 30 states, it will create demand for marriage education greater than the $75 million a year in federal TANF marriage grants.
--------------------------------

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Survey Participants needed / PREP Military Outcomes / ACF Grants Update - 6/ 26/11

2011-06-26T14:33:00.001-04:00

- PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR LOVE & MARRIAGE RESEARCH
- UNEMPLOYMENT AND MARRIAGE SURVEY
- Marriage skills education cuts military divorce by 2/3 in blind test
- NARME GRANTS UPDATE

________________________________

- PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR LOVE & MARRIAGE RESEARCH
You are invited to take part in a research study on Love & Marriage conducted for John Van Epp’s Love Thinks, LLC. If you are married, then you are eligible to participate. The survey takes approximately 15 minutes to complete and participants are entered to win a $100 gift card to Amazon.

To participate please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/loveandmarriage
Thank you for your time and participation in this important study.

Questions: M. Cutlip
vaneppmc@yahoo.com
330-304-7653

________________________________________
- UNEMPLOYMENT AND MARRIAGE SURVEY
This researcher needs more respondents. Please forward this to anyone who might be able to help.

ARE YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE OUT OF WORK? Participants Needed!

I am seeking married people from a variety of backgrounds to complete a
brief online questionnaire on how unemployment impacts their marital quality
in the current economy.

It should take about 10-20 minutes for you to complete.
Your participation and your responses will be kept confidential.

Please go to:
www.tinyurl.com/unemployment-marriage

Questions? Contact Andrew Bland, M.A.: abland3@indstate.edu

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- Marriage skills education cuts military divorce by 2/3 in blind test

June 21, 2011
John Crouch
FamilyLaw.TypePad.com
Randomized study demonstrates divorce reduction of 2/3 for military couples receiving marriage education.
Unlike many studies of marriage education, and indeed of almost any other kind of education or counseling for any kind of social behavior, this study was able to have a control group that did not take the classes, AND to randomly assign couples between the control group and the group that took marriage education, specifically "PREP for Strong Bonds" delivered by Army chaplains. One year later, 2% of the marriage-educated group divorced and 6% of the control group divorced.

This is not the first study using randomly-assigned control groups - earlier studies have likewise found that what's most effective for couples is curricula which are professionally developed, but which are delivered within a particular group, whether religious, ethnic or occupational.

- NARME GRANTS UPDATE
Update on ACF Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood Grant Opportunities from NARME:

On April 1, 2011, the Administration for Children and Families (ACF) released information that they were planning to release six different Healthy Marriage (HM) and Responsible Fatherhood (RF) Funding Opportunities Announcements (FOAs) – with an expected release date of June 14, 2011. Three of those FOAs were to fund HM activities and three were to fund RF activities, with the total funding of $117.5 million per year to be evenly split between the HM and the RF opportunities.

June 14th has come and gone without any of those FOAs being released. Since then, we at NARME have received numerous inquiries from our members asking for any information that we might have about what is going on and asking for our opinion about “what does the delay mean?”

The truth is that we do not know what the delay means, and we don’t want to speculate. However this is what we do know:
• As of today, June 22nd, two of the three expected HM grants and one of the RF grants, have been canceled. The grants that have been canceled are:
o Field-Initiated Healthy Marriage and Relationship Education Grants ($28 million)
o Field-Initiated Responsible Fatherhood Grants ($28 million)
o Community-Centered Healthy Marriage and Relationship Education Strategies for Ex-Prisoners ($3 million).

The total previously forecasted funding level of the above three grants was $59 million.
• As of today, June 22nd, the following three grant opportunities (totaling $58.5 million) have not yet been cancelled, and we hope to see FOAs released for them sometime “soon”:
o Community-Centered Healthy Marriage and Relationship Education Grants ($28 million)
o Pathways to Responsible Fatherhood Grants ($28 million)
o Community-Centered Responsible Fatherhood Strategies for Re-entering or Recently Released Fathers ($2.5 million).

Here is a sample response we have received when we have asked various ACF personnel about the status of these grants: “The Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood synopses posted to HHS Forecast website http://www.acf.hhs.gov/hhsgrantsforecast/ provide general notification and brief descriptions of the funding opportunities that the agency intends to publish. The information contained in the HHS Forecast system is subject to change. We do not have any further information related to the other FOAs or when they will be published. Please continue to monitor the above-mentioned website for latest developments.”

We will continue to provide NARME members with new information about these grant opportunities as they become available. In addition, you can click on the “Latest Update on Federal Grants” link on the NARME website at any time to read the current information that we have. http://www.narme.org/portal/

__________________________________________
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Marriage Educators Needed / Movies / Coalition for Divorce Reform - 6/23/11

2011-06-23T15:05:00.001-04:00

- MARRIAGE EDUCATORS NEEDED - AS POSTED ON CRAIG’S LIST, DC
- RABBIT HOLE
- MOVIE: ANOTHER YEAR
- INVITATION TO JOIN THE COALITION FOR DIVORCE REFORM

----------------------------------------
- MARRIAGE EDUCATORS NEEDED - AS POSTED ON CRAIG’S LIST, DC
I saw this on our local Craig’s list – sending it to the list mostly to share the pleasure of this call for marriage educators, but also in case you know anyone that might want a job. - diane

Marriage Educators Needed (Spanish and English) (Northern Virginia/DC)
Date: 2011-06-20,
REPLY TO: Reply to: job-44znq-2451298694@craigslist.org
Well established organization seeks part-time marriage educators (evenings and weekends) on a contractual basis. Program is a federally-funded marriage education program for low-income families that is in its 5th year of operation. Must be experienced and dynamic in recruiting participants and facilitating groups, and dedicated to participant completion. Must be willing to collect required data from participants in a timely fashion. We require excellence in verbal and written communication skills and in work habits. Must be extremely flexible, have a positive attitude, and be committed to being a team player. Must be well-connected in the community, especially the human services sector. Degree preferred. Must be willing to undergo a criminal background check. Competitive compensation based on participant completion. Please send a cover letter and resume with your inquiry.

Location: Northern Virginia/DC
This is a contract job.

---------------------------------------
- RABBIT HOLE

Hi Diane
Having just read your brief on Another Year I thought I would pass on a recommendation for Rabbit Hole. This stars Nicole Kidman, Aaron Eckhart, and Diane Wiest and was directed by John Cameron Mitchell. It is about the struggles of a couple who lost their young child and their road to redemption. Marvellous!
T. James Weibelzahl
-------------------------
- MOVIE: ANOTHER YEAR
Diane,
Where did you find the movie? Netflix & Amazon don't stock it.
Paul Pastore

I found it on Netflix. Looks from your subject line as though you searched for The Marriage Garden. That’s not the title of the movie, that’s the title of a Marriage education program. I’ve heard from a dozen folks, all unable to figure out what the title of the movie was. Sorry about the confusion. - diane
_____________________________
- INVITATION TO JOIN THE COALITION FOR DIVORCE REFORM
Dear Diane,

Please forward this request to your list:

The Campaign to reform America’s lenient divorce laws is picking up steam. We are now active in twenty states and need help to build grassroots support for the Parental Divorce Reduction Act. We ask people to click on www.divorcereform.info and register at: How Can I Help on the upper right hand side of the page. We will be encouraging people to post on their
Blogs and Facebook pages, Twitter, email their friends, and participate in conference calls to discuss strategy. The Coalition for Divorce Reform is an all volunteer effort – a new grassroots movement to save many of the million children a year who are victims of unnecessary divorce. Won’t you become part of this movement? We don’t need much of your time, just a few
minutes a week. But we cannot win this fight without your help. Please forward this invitation to your lists and resources.
Chris Gersten, Chair
Coalition for Divorce Reform
www.divorcereform.info

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Tah Dah - Divorce no longer Groovy /Marriage Movie/ Neuroeconomics/ Empathy - 6/21/11

2011-06-21T18:10:00.001-04:00

- HOW DIVORCE LOST ITS GROOVE
- ANOTHER YEAR: A GREAT MARRIAGE MOVIE
- THE NEW SCIENCE OF NEUROECONOMICS
- WITH BOTOX, LOOKING GOOD AND FEELING LESS (as in Empathy)
------------------------------------------------
- HOW DIVORCE LOST ITS GROOVE
Cultural Studies
The New York Times
Pamela Paul
Sunday, June 19, 2011

Maybe we’ve made a dent! This is a great sign-of-the-times, must-read article is even more noteworthy given it’s placement (NY Times Sunday styles front page) and that it’s by Pamela Paul who has been called “a social demographer and brilliant trend analyst”. She wrote Starter Marriages/2002 a book that concluded that in ‘02 there was less stigma to being divorced than to never having married at all – that young adults valued marriage and just didn’t have accurate expectations for after the honeymoon.
We’re pretty well aware of this new trend, that divorce is declining among the educated classes, but this article is a good read that fleshes out the developing stigma.

Some excerpts below, and I can’t resist commenting. But please do read the full article. It’s worth your time. - diane

. . .“The notion of divorce has become one of failure again,” said Ms. Morrison, 42, a resident of Park Slope. “It used to be, ‘You’re free, rock on!’ Now it’s, ‘You couldn’t make it work, you failed.’ ” Ms. Morrison described people’s reaction as “the two-second blink” when she says something along the lines of, “Zack is with his father today.”

Among a certain demographic, marriage is viewed as something that, like work-life balance, yoga <http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/subjects/y/yoga/index.html?inline=nyt-classifier> and locavore cuisine, needs to be continually worked at and improved upon. When Ms. Dolgoff tells others about her divorce, their response, with disquieting frequency, is “Yes, well, marriage is hard” as in, “You knew that getting in.”

Blogs and child-rearing books suggest a subtle — and sometimes not-so-subtle — social pressure to tough it out.

And:
. . . It’s as if the children of Manhattan and Roslyn, N.Y., and Bethesda, Md., reflected on their parents’ sloppy divorces and said, “Not me.” (To which I would comment, they don’t just see their parents’ divorces as sloppy, they’ve come to realize they were UNNECESSARY divorces. AND, they’ve seen what their parents’ lives have been like post-divorce with remarriages and re-divorces, depression, loneliness, etc. )

And, again, Paul supports the notion that it’s somehow the “sloppiness” of the divorce that matters and gives several paragraphs to self-justifying divorced parents who are writing and blogging about “Miss-Manners-style-polite-humane” divorces – like the couple writing a blog called ‘Postcards From a Peaceful Divorce’.

. . . Dr. Monet, of Mount Holyoke, and her ex-husband eat dinner together on Fridays with their 9-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter. Birthdays and holidays are spent in each other’s company.

“Once I realized that we could raise the kids together and still be a family,” said Dr. Monet, who started a blog called Postcards From a Peaceful Divorce last year, “I realized it wasn’t divorce that’s devastating, it’s the way divorce is handled.”

When Nina Collins, 41, a former literary agent, divorced her husband, she said both her lawyer and therapist emphasized: “Divorce is completely different from when your parents split up. If your kids feel loved and they don’t see hideous behavior, they’ll be fine.”

“Of course, there’s still trauma,” Ms. Collins said. “But I think it’s gotten a lot more humane for everyone.”

The article refers several times to all the memoirs written by adult-children of the sloppy divorce era (70s/80s). Cant’s wait to see what the kids of these oh-so-civilized divorces have to say about their parents “humane” - polite and neat - divorces. I think these kids are likely to be even more confused about sex, marriage, and the meaning of love and family than kids from sloppy divorces. One things for sure, they’re not going to learn from watching their married parents fight and make up. They’re not going to see what marriage is on a day-to-day basis – day in and day out. And that’s what marriage is – a very day-to-day, year-to-year foundation for a family.

http://tinyurl.com/6xh8qhn

----------------------------------------
- ANOTHER YEAR: A GREAT MARRIAGE MOVIE
Many of you recommended it to me and I finally rented it this week. If I were still doing the conference, this movie would be receiving a Smart Marriages impact Award and I’d be screening it at the conference.   It’s terrific and I second the recommendations – everyone should see it. It conveys so well (quietly, understatedly) how each marriage provides a calm and steady port, a shelter from the storm, not just for the husband and wife and their own kids but for the village. Reminds me of my telling a reporter, “Yes, it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a lot of marriages to create a village.” They called it Another Year which is great because it shows the day-to-day, year-to-year aspect of marriage that can almost seem dull and tedious – but not when compared to the alternatives which the movie juxtaposes with such a light, subtle, and entertaining hand. But they could have called it The Marriage Garden – they show so well, how Marriage, like a Garden, requires care – day-to-day, year-to-year, generation-to-generation. Great acting, directing, cinema photography. And, if you want a movie that makes you feel absolutely thankful that you’re married, this is it. - diane

----------------------------------------

- THE NEW SCIENCE OF NEUROECONOMICS

Important to read this one to the end...fascinating. And, sobering. And, though it’s about finance, you also can’t help but apply to Weiner, Schwartz, Edwards, Spitzer et al – the interplay of testosterone, power, and impulse control. - diane

Testosterone and high finance do not mix
The Guardian
June 19, 2011
http://tinyurl.com/5srqogx

For the past few weeks I've had two books by my bed, both of which offer a first draft of what history may well judge the most significant event of our times: the 2008 financial crash. Read together, they are about as close as we might come to a closing chapter of The Rise and Fall of the American Empire. As literature, one of them. . .

. . . you might need to understand some of the mechanisms which produced the trillion-dollar bad decision-making that led to what happened in 2008. In recent years, and particularly since the crash, a new science of such decision-making – neuroeconomics – has become fashionable in universities and beyond.

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- WITH BOTOX, LOOKING GOOD AND FEELING LESS (as in Empathy)
New York Times, June 19, 2011
Pamela Paul
I realize I’m starting and ending with articles by Pamela Paul from this Sunday’s New York Times, but I love both articles. This finding is that we are better able to read and empathize with others emotions if we are able to imitate their facial expressions. That just observing others’ expressions is not nearly as effective and that our mini-second, unconscious imitation is what helps us decode what others are actually feeling. Who knew?! - diane    The article: http://tinyurl.com/5tencyd
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Sleepy / Where to Start / Sliding / Stepparents / Positive Actions / Internet Double Standard -6/15/11

2011-06-15T14:22:00.000-04:00

- SLEEPY WIVES
- WHERE TO START MARRIAGE PREPARATION EDUCATION?
- SLIDING VS DECIDING BY SCOTT STANLEY ON YOUTUBE
- Ask the Juggle: Becoming a Stepparent
- A POSITIVE INTERACTION A DAY
- What's Wrong With Adult Sexting?
_________________________
- SLEEPY WIVES
Women have a new reason to get help with their insomnia — poor sleep might be damaging their marriages. After a bad night’s sleep women — but not men — tend to have more negative interactions with their spouses, a new study shows.
http://tinyurl.com/5vh753q
_____________________________
- WHERE TO START MARRIAGE PREPARATION EDUCATION?
I just did an interview about premarital education for engaged couples and, again, found myself telling the reporter that classes for engaged couples are almost too late – they’ve already committed to their fiance and are headed full speed down the chute to the wedding – they’re too afraid to even listen. The place to start marriage education is in high school or middle school to help them choose wisely and to realize there are certain behaviors that predict marital success or failure. Which is why it is great that Dibble has a summer special on two of their best bew programs – Money Habitudes and Things to Know Before You Say Go. Order by the end of June and shipping is free! Just use the coupon on the Dibble website. Teachers can start their lesson plans now. The programs are great for group settings or for teens to use by themselves – something for your teens to do during the dog days of summer. Money Habitudes, based on the amazing cards by Syble Solomon, is being well received by financial literacy teachers as a way to help young people understand both love and money. Things to Know Before You Say "Go", helps teens understand and look for traits that are most and least appealing in a partner and realize the need to know more before giving their hearts away.
http://www.dibbleinstitute.org/?page_id=5293
http://www.dibbleinstitute.org/?page_id=6156
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
- SLIDING VS DECIDING BY SCOTT STANLEY ON YOUTUBE

Even if you’ve seen Scott do this one at Smart Marriages, here’s a chance to review his core points about what new courtship practices and expectations may mean for success in marriage. He condensed many of his key points into this really enjoyable 54 min presentation to high school teachers.   Enjoy and pass this link on.   Free on You Tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM
____________________________________________________________
- Ask the Juggle: Becoming a Stepparent
June 12, 2011 • The Wall Street Journal
Sue Shellenbarger

. . . Every week my husband and I morphed from life in a family of five when the children were with us on weekends, to the weekday lifestyle of a dual-earner couple without children present. A new stepparent must manage a complex family schedule and build his or her own individual relationships with each child while simultaneously attending to both marriage and job. . . . It can be tough for stepparents to find up-to-date resources for the unique challenges of this role. A good place to start

And, this from the comments section makes it pretty clear why all the resources and books are written by/created by women: I have experienced this from the POV of the step child. My sibs and I always call our SM by her full legal name – The WIcked Stepmother – so I probably don’t have to spend a lot of time explaining how the relationship goes.

Also from the comments section, the lack of accurate information is painful. The general public still believes kids of divorce turn out just the same as kids from intact families. Oy. I guess we’re just not doing our job. Please take the time to add your comments. - diane

http://tinyurl.com/3foer74

-----------------------------------------
- A POSITIVE INTERACTION A DAY

Susan Dutton Freund, president of thinkmarriage offers couples a positive interaction each day via twitter. Follow her tweets at
@soozindf
____________________________

- What's Wrong With Adult Sexting?


It may be creepy when consenting adults exchange provocative images of themselves through social media. How do we know when it goes too far?

A Double Standard
June 9, 2011
The New York Times
Opinion Page

K. Jason Krafsky and Kelli Krafsky are co-authors of Facebook and Your Marriage.

In all the jokes and political discussions about Weinergate, a serious issue
has been overlooked: the double standard that applies to the virtual world
and real world with two different sets of rules, acceptable behavior and
consequences.

Showing your private parts online is called “sexting,” but in the real
world, it is a crime called indecent exposure. Your online identity is an
extension of you. Regardless of your Twitter handle, Facebook persona, or
email user name, you are legally responsible and ethically accountable for
your actions in both the virtual world and the real world.

Yet, for some reason, people justify their online behavior as “private,”
“personal” and “just for fun.” But if many of those virtual actions occurred
in the physical world, they would be declared indecent, unethical and in
many cases, illegal.

Weinergate demonstrates several double standards:

Making unwanted sexual advances virtually is called “cyber-flirting,” but in
the real world, it is sexual harassment. Being sexually active with multiple
partners on the Internet is called “virtual sex,” but in the real world,
it’s engaging in high-risk and irresponsible behavior.

Sending lewd pictures of your private parts online is called “sexting,” but
in the real world, it is a crime called indecent exposure.

The Congressman’s online indiscretions betrayed his real-life wife, causing
real pain and hurt feelings in those he cares about most. This is evidence
that what happens in the virtual world affects the real world.

Don’t buy the lie that you can have dual citizenship in both worlds,
breaking the rules in one without consequence in the other.
______________________________

- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Fighting For / Just Fighting /Cohabitation Participants / The Thrill That Was / Pick Your Battles /Simple Things - 6/5/11

2011-06-06T15:30:00.001-04:00

- FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WINS THE GOLD!!
- EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS TO PREVENT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
- LOOKING FOR COHABITATION STORIES
- VIAGRA: THE THRILL THAT WAS
- GREAT ADVICE: PICK YOUR BATTLES
- WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK? IT’S THE SIMPLE THINGS

- FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE WINS THE GOLD!!
Fighting For Your Marriage by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg is the recipient of the Gold (top award) in the Relationships/Marriage category of the 2011 Living Now Book Awards. Great to know these award committees know a class act when they see it. It’s interesting and somehow sad that 3rd prize, the Bronze, goes to Thriving AFTER Divorce – guess we didn’t get to them when they were in the fatal decision-making process (see prior post). Oh well.
______________________________________
- Educational Programs to Prevent Intimate Partner Violence
The Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy (2011, Volume 10, No. 2) has just published a special overview issue on “Programs to Help Prevent Intimate Partner Violence.” It highlights work by such scholars as John Gottman, Bill Doherty, Kim Halford, Galena Rhoades, Scott Stanley, and Brian Higginbotham. One valuable outcome of marriage/relationship education is the potential for preventing couple violence. The articles in this special issue outline progress being made in this area. To see the table of contents and how to view or purchase articles, go to: http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/title~db=all~content=g936641525..

------------------------------------------------------------
- LOOKING FOR COHABITATION STORIES
I'm working on a story that jumps off census data on the rise in cohabitating couples and a recent survey by a group of matrimonial lawyers that reported seeing an increase in litigation between couples who lived together, but never married. They also saw an increase in cohabitation agreements. My interest is in people who go through a breakup that is as devastating as a divorce, even if they never married their partner. Probably they moved in together, intertwined their finances, acquired property together and maybe even had a child, but didn't tie the knot. Then, when they separate, there are no legal guidelines to steer the process. Not to mention the emotional wreckage, regardless of whether or not there was a marriage certificate.   I'm looking for people who fit that description and would be willing to talk about their experience.   I'm also looking for people who signed a cohabitation agreement before moving in with a partner. Anyone who might be willing to be interviewed, can call me at 202-334-7272 or email, mccarthye@washpost.com.
Ellen McCarthy
The Washington Post

Please forward this to anyone you know that might fit for this exploration. If it’s your kids or someone you know personally, you can assure them that Ellen will treat this with the utmost integrity respect, she’s done great articles on Marriage Education for the Washington Post. - diane
_________________________
- VIAGRA: THE THRILL THAT WAS
Hilary Stout
The New York Times
June 5, 2011

Very important, must-read update for anyone that works with couples.

. . . More than any pill ever to be dispensed, Viagra has played to the yearnings of American culture: eternal youth, sexual prowess, not to mention the longing for an easy fix.

From the first announcement of the drug’s existence, fantasies went into overdrive; with the popping of a pill, lackluster marriages would be repaired. Or a generation of newly virile men would be on the make, hooking up with younger partners, maybe even getting a chance at righting any wrongs they had committed as fathers of young children years earlier. At the very least, everyone would be having great sex well into their twilight years.

It hasn’t worked out quite that way. Thirteen years after Viagra hit the market like a bolt of lightning (Dr. Jed Kaminetsky, a New York University urologist, said that at first he was so besieged with requests for prescriptions that he had to start seeing patients on weekends to keep up with the demand), we have NOT turned into a Viagra Nation. . . .
For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/3wwwuol

I also highly recommend that you listen to the acclaimed session from the Smart Marriages conference that will help you work with couples around these issues: #750-601 - Married Sex for Men, Barry McCarthy and Michael Metz – 90 mins, download at http://tinyurl.com/3qcpcww or order on CD at 800-241-7785.
------------------------------------------------------
- GREAT ADVICE: PICK YOUR BATTLES
Danbury News Times • June 1, 2011

. . . Our marriage hasn't been perfect, which would have been exceedingly dull, but we consider it highly successful. Here are some of the skills I've acquired to help keep it that way.

http://tinyurl.com/6zjcraz

-------------------------------------------------------
- WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK? IT’S THE SIMPLE THINGS
June 5, 2011 • Times-Picayune • Sheila Stroup
Another good one. Makes me think of the quote I heard this weekend: A woman laughing is a woman conquered. - Napoleon
http://tinyurl.com/3zdr2js

_____________________________________
- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Participants NEEDED - Divorce Decisions / Spirituality / Unemployment / Wedding Rings - 6/3/11

2011-06-03T12:17:00.001-04:00

PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR:
– STUDY ON DIVORCE DECISION-MAKING
– STUDY ON SPIRITUALITY AND MARITAL SATISFACTION
– UNEMPLOYED MARITAL SURVEY
– WEDDING RING STORIES

We can’t help without research to guide us – so please help these researchers. Complete the survey’s if you fit and please forward to your lists and or folks who might fit. - diane
-----------------------------------------
- PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR STUDY ON DIVORCE DECISION-MAKING
Alan Hawkins and Tamara Fackrell, researchers at Brigham Young University are launching an in-depth, interview study of individuals at the crossroads of divorce (i.e., thinking about divorce but not 100% decided) to understand better the thinking and decision-making processes involved. It seems strange, but there is very little research that directly addresses how individuals go about making the critical decisions to leave or stay. The researchers can conduct interviews (estimate 1.5 hours) over the phone or even more privately on the Web. Participants will receive a $60 gift VISA card in appreciation for their time. If you or someone you know would be eligible and interested in participating, or have questions about the study, please contact Tamara Fackrell <myattorneymediator@gmail.com> for details.
----------------------------------------
- PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR STUDY ON SPIRITUALITY AND MARITAL SATISFACTION
Couples needed for a survey which takes approximately 10-15
minutes to complete online. One (1) study participant will win an Apple iPad
2 as a thank you for your time and participation. Your participation is
anonymous and confidential. PsychData is a reputable and secure web-based
site with security features that ensures the confidentiality of your survey
responses. This research study will examine the relationship between
spirituality and marital satisfaction. Each spouse will independently answer
the questions, and spouses do not need to complete the survey at the same
time. If you are currently married and over the age of 18 you are eligible
to participate, and if you and your spouse complete the questionnaire you
will be eligible to win the Apple iPad 2. Jason Karampatsos, the
study's lead author, is a Ph.D. candidate in the Pastoral Counseling
department of Loyola University Maryland. The link to the survey is:
https://www.psychdata.com/s.asp?SID=142172

--------------------------------------
– PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR UNEMPLOYED MARITAL SURVEY

Are you and/or your spouse unemployed?
I am seeking couples to complete a brief online questionnaire on how unemployment impacts marriages in the current economy. Your participation and your responses will be kept confidential.
Please go to https://indstate.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_em8L1x2qzOoEbg8
Questions? Please contact Andrew Bland, M.A.: abland3@indstate.edu
Indiana State University.
_____________________________
- SEEKING WEDDING RING STORIES

Tell us about your wedding ring!
REDBOOK is seeking stories from couples who have something unusual or unique about their wedding band—maybe it’s tattooed to your finger, or maybe the inscription inside contains an inside joke—whatever it is, we want to know! Email nyorio@hearst.com to let us know why your wedding ring is so special. Be sure to include your name, age, city, and state, plus a photo of your ring.
__________________________________________

- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

US$83.5M BUSINESS PROPOSAL

2011-06-02T13:55:00.000-04:00

I am Dr. Philip Ezoma the Contract Award Committee Chairman, please find attached the full details.

NARME NOW/ COMPASSION BOOT CAMP/Drying Up / Submitting / Just Fake It - 6/1/11

2011-06-01T11:23:00.001-04:00

- NARME CONFERENCE HOTEL ALMOST SOLD OUT!
- STOSNY: LOVE WITHOUT HURT BOOT CAMP JULY 8-10/DC
- WHY DOES SEX DRY UP IN MOST LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT)
- SUBMITTING UNTO EACH OTHER
- JUST FAKE IT

_______________________________
- NARME CONFERENCE HOTEL ALMOST SOLD OUT!

Diane,
Can you let folks on your list know that the NARME Conference hotel is close to selling out. That’s great news for the conference but bad news for anyone who misses out on the special conference rate of only $109 single/double at the beautiful Hilton. We also want to encourage them to register ASAP for the conference and training opportunities and for our real live Texas Barbeque, Bowling, Networking evening. The conference, June 27 - 30 in Houston, is fast approaching. See the website for the incredible line up of presenters and workshops and for Conference and Hotel Registration info.

Maggie Russell
Vice-Chair, National Association for Relationships & Marriage Education

------------------------------------------------------

- STOSNY: LOVE WITHOUT HURT BOOT CAMP JULY 8-10/DC

July 8-10, Gaithersburg, MD (near Washington, DC).
9:30-5:30

A weekend Treatment of Resentment, Anger, or Emotional Abuse developed
to meet the overwhelming requests for the model as demonstrated on Oprah.
This group bootcamp version includes learning how to replace
resentment, anger, and jealousy with COMPASSIONATE NEGOTIATION plus
relapse prevention.

The Boot Camp produces dramatic change in a short time for those who do the
work. The tone is healing, not accusatory, compassionate not blaming,
valuing not devaluing, and, most of all, empowering. The first two days
focus on self-healing and developing core value and self-compassion. The
last day focuses on relationship repair.

$699 per single person/$899 per couple (includes 24 hrs of workshop, manual, handouts, CD-ROMs,
3 recorded webinars, beverages, and snacks). Wyndham Gardens, Gaithersburg - $89 s/d For
Info or to register:
http://tinyurl.com/44tjb8b

For individuals or couples with problems of resentment, anger or emotional
abuse, OR, attend to learn how to use this approach in any setting.

You can see clips of the approach from Oprah and testimonials on the
Compassion Power website, and you can download and listen to his workshops
from the Orlando Smart Marriages Conference at 800-241-7785 or at
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com

#750-301
Love Without Hurt
Steven Stosny, PhD
Learn how to use this approach in marriage education
settings to help overcome entrenched resentment, anger,
verbal and emotional abuse BEFORE you try to teach
communication skills.

-----------------------------------------
- WHY DOES SEX DRY UP IN MOST LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT)
. . . . For example, androgen receptors in the brain decline after ejaculation , and may take up to seven days to normalize. (That means the effects of testosterone may be blunted for a while, affecting zest.) Opioids released during copulation hang around for a while—apparently causing lingering declines in oxytocin, which hamper sexual responsiveness. . . . . Whatever the precise mechanisms, the brain changes subtly after orgasm, and any decrease in responsiveness is bad news for lovers. Now, libido tends to go in divergent directions—simply because people experience the return to homeostasis differently following an orgasmic neurochemical wallop. . . . Interestingly, sages across the globe have also developed little known techniques for managing sex to keep lovers in balance and sustain the harmony in their unions. Kosher sex, for example, prescribes almost two weeks a month in separate beds while couples restore their magnetism.

For the full article:
http://tinyurl.com/3rfsxjq

-----------------------------------
- SUBMITTING UNTO EACH OTHER
Happy June! - the wedding month. Here’s a good reminder article.

Sex will hold your marriage together
MARY JO RAPINI, SPECIAL TO THE HOUSTON CHRONICLE

. . . Being married is submitting to someone or giving in on what you want, and working toward what is best for the marriage. We don't like to submit and submitting has a bad name, especially for women. . . . . It may seem easy, but we like our own way, we think we are right, and they are wrong, or we just think we know what is best for the marriage. None of those excuses work well, because the only way to weave together your life successfully with another is to submit your needs for the needs of the marriage. . . .

Making love is a submission of two people. It isn't the porn on the computer, it isn't "Desperate Housewives," and it isn't the perfect body you see in the magazine. It is two people loving and wanting to please one another. It is beautiful, sacred, and it works to keep a marriage strong and happy better than any drug, therapy, or device you can purchase. The problem is many women see it as something men want and will use them for, and men see it as something women use as a weapon. When this happens it isn't sacred anymore, nor is it beautiful. This attitude becomes a marriage killer, and it leads to resentment, hostility andcheating.

Before you say those vows, ask your fiancée to write them down with you. Frame them, and put them up in your home. Use that as your prayer each night or early in the morning. You have created a bond that can afford you true happiness. A healthy marriage also helps predict successful children and grandchildren. Make sure you tell your partner that "underneath their clothes is and will be your territory" until death do you part. Keep the love-making/submitting alive in your marriage. Submission is the key, but the gift of submission is each of you submits to the other. That requires a lot of faith, and love. If you cannot submit to your partner save yourself a lot of grief and don't get married. One sided marital submission is a predictor of divorce.

For the full piece: http://tinyurl.com/3zwd68u

--------------------------------------
- JUST FAKE IT
So many possible posts – only send you about 1 in 100....sending this one for the wisdom sweetly given by a wife looking back at the lesson learned from a mishap at her wedding ceremony: http://tinyurl.com/3hb7u46
But even better, sending because she links to the Blog of Reverend-Know-It-All, a Catholic priest who has quite a lot of fun with his blog and a happy discovery. On marriage, he rants thusly:

Here is the heart of my complaint. IT IS STUPID TO SPEND MORE TIME AND MONEY PREPARING FOR THE WEDDING THAN YOU DO PREPARING FOR THE MARRIAGE!!! I have known people who are still paying the credit card bills generated by the wedding years after the marriage is over.
The Modern Method of Marriage, a Reprise. The following is taken from my own experiences and things people have told me (outside of confession, you’ll be glad to know.) Here goes.

For the full monty:
http://tinyurl.com/3fzqlah

------------------------------------------
- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Blogging Question

2011-05-26T02:44:00.001-04:00

Hi,

I want to link to your site from my fashion blog. I am creating a list of
sites that my visitors can go to once they are done on my blog. Do you
mind if I link to you from my blog? Please let me know when you get a
second. Thanks for reading.

Kathy

Almost a Mob/ Grant for free advertising / Teen Resource Bonanza / Prisoner Conference -5/25/10

2011-05-25T14:55:00.001-04:00

- ALMOST A MOB
- HEALTHY MARRIAGE GRANT – JULY 15 DEADLINE
- A TEEN BONANZA FROM DIBBLE!!!!
- A PRISONERS FAMILY CONFERENCE FEB 22-24, ALBUQUERQUE/ APPLICATIONS DUE JULY 31

------------------------------------------
- ALMOST A MOB

Diane,
Though it's not a flash mob, the Board of Directors of Better Marriages liked your suggestion that we incorporate a Marriage-Encounter-like flash mob into our Marriage Fiesta. Here are several videos we put together at our recent Board meeting. Please share with the list!

Marriage Fun - Couples Celebrate: http://www.youtube.com/bettermarriages#p/u/3/AzdIcB0ytdA
Marriage Fun - Board Posse: http://www.youtube.com/bettermarriages#p/u/0/d60AGYi_Frc
Fiesta Basic Info: http://www.youtube.com/bettermarriages#p/u/2/kgTq9O8dF7o
Fiesta - Bring the Kids: http://www.youtube..com/bettermarriages#p/u/1/RmxcyDeysSU <http://www.youtube.com/bettermarriages#p/u/1/RmxcyDeysSU>

Priscilla Hunt
Executive Director
www.BetterMarriages.org
800.634.8325
Marriage Fiesta July 7-10, 2011 Albuquerque – register now!

__________________________
- HEALTHY MARRIAGE GRANT – JULY 15 DEADLINE

Would you like more people accessing your marriage strengthening services?

The National Healthy Marriage Institute is pleased to announce that it will award 10 grants for marriage education advertising materials. Each winning organization will receive 1000 customized copies of pamphlets from the Healthy Marriage Pamphlet SERIES.

The pamphlets provide a sampling, or taste, of what marriage education is all about – each one featuring a skill and ideas couples can implement immediately to improve their marriage. The pamphlets then direct couples to your services – the full meal! Grant winners will receive pamphlets already customized with information about their organization including your contact information and the additional services you provide to strengthen marriages.

To apply, all you need is a letter of commitment from one or more local organizations that will distribute your pamphlets to the people they serve. Schools, government agencies, community agencies, businesses, bases, and churches are all potential partners. To help you recruit partners we will give you a copy of the letter we used to get school districts across the US to commit to send home hundreds of thousands of pamphlets with students to help their parents improve their marriages and strengthen families.

Even if your organization doesn’t win one of the grants, if you submit a grant application, we will donate the services of our graphic designer to customize pdf files for 4 of the pamphlets with your information. You can then print as many copies as you would like to distribute in your community.

The deadline to apply is July 15th, 2011
The application is less than a page and apart from recruiting your partners will take less then 5 minutes to fill out.
To apply and for more information visit. http://www.HealthyMarriage.org/grant.htm
If you can use the pamphlets in Spanish let us know and we will send you the pdf files at no charge.
-------------------------------------------
- A TEEN BONANZA FROM DIBBLE!!!!

What a great idea Barbara has given all of us – and now Dibble is going to provide the perfect resource FREE OF CHARGE. Start today working on your juvenile courts, high schools, middle schools, faith communities to make these resources available in your region. See Barbara’s original request here: http://tinyurl.com/3c42yn9 - diane

Hi Barbara,
I wanted to let you know that The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy in a partnership with The Dibble Institute will be releasing 7 to 8 short relationship focused videos for teens this summer.

Topics we are looking at (this will be culled) include:

·         Is texting/sexting helpful or hurtful to a relationship?
·         How does Facebook affect relationships?
·         How does the “online” you differentiate from the real you?
·         What are the different types of relationships?
·         Who do you learn about relationships from? What do you need to have a successful one?
·         What do you want in a boyfriend or girlfriend?
·         Have you been through a breakup? How do you deal with it?
·         How does sex change a relationship?
·         How do people get into unhealthy relationships? How do you get out of it.? What is an unhealthy relationship?
·         How do parents affect your relationships? What advice do you have for them regarding talking to their kids about relationships?
·         What is a healthy relationship? What is good relationship advice? Who do you seek for it?
·         How does media affect your thoughts on relationships?
·         What is the best advice you can give regarding relationships, love, and sex?

These would be available at no charge.

We will announce their availability on the Smart Marriage list serve, the National Campaign list serve, as well as the
Dibble email list. <http://www.dibbleinstitute.org/?page_id=1181>

The waiting room sounds like a great place for quick healthy relationships messages. Great work!

Kay Reed
Executive Director
Dibble Institute

And, here’s another resource. Send me yours.

Hi Bea,
I read the Smart Marriages email requesting videos on healthy teen
relationships and want to suggest one of ours. Toxic Relationships for
Grades 6-12, 29 minutes. It’s features teens speaking about what healthy
relationships are and are not and encouraging their peers to avoid abusive
situations. Visit www.channing-bete.com or call 800-628-7733 to order.

Maida Lasalle
Website: www.youandmeWE.org <http://www.youandmewe.org/>or
www.Family-Resources.org <http://www.family-resources.org/>

-----------------------------------------------
- A PRISONERS FAMILY CONFERENCE FEB 22-24, ALBUQUERQUE/ APPLICATIONS DUE JULY 31
The Prisoner’s Family Conference provides a forum to improve the quality of life for the prison family through increased awareness, education and networking to promote positive relationships that reduce risks created by the incarceration of a loved one. Begun in 2009, the conference has had such success that it’s expanded to three days. Presentations must address issues specifically related to the prison family and/or the reintegrating family member. Visit the website for information and applications. http://solutionsforelpaso.org/?page_id=81 or call 915-861-7733.

---------------------------------------------
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subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
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Prayers at Sea/ PSAs for Teens/Coalition for Divorce Reform/ Equality / Maria's Pain / Remember?!? - 5/23/11

2011-05-23T17:07:00.001-04:00

- PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
- VIDEOS/PSA’S FOR TEENS IN COURT SETTINGS
- THE COALITION FOR DIVORCE REFORM (CDR)
- DISAGREEMENTS ARE NORMAL
- COMMITMENT EQUALITY
- MARIA SHRIVER’S PAIN
- REMEMBER, YOU WERE NUTS ABOUT HIM! REMEMBER?!

____________________________________
- PUTTING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
Many of you are familiar with James and Audora Berg both from their many Marriage Matters columns I’ve shared and also from the Smart Marriages conferences. This column really puts things in perspective and makes some very helpful points. http://tinyurl.com/5rkrzyo - diane

------------------------------------------------
- VIDEOS/PSA’S FOR TEENS IN COURT SETTINGS

Diane,
The local juvenile court has asked if we have any videos about healthy teen relationships which would be appropriate to show in their waiting room as teens and their parents are waiting for court appearances. Do you know of any short (perhaps PSAs) which we could obtain (free or for purchase)? Thanks.

Bea Northcott, Executive Director
Marriage Investors, Inc. (Johnson County, IN)
bnorthcott@embarqmail.com (bnorthcott at embarqmail.com)
www.marriageinvestors.org

Please email Bea with your suggestions AND please copy me so I can share this great idea and resources with the list. If you suggest resources, include prices and ordering info. - diane
-----------------------------------------------------
- THE COALITION FOR DIVORCE REFORM (CDR)

And, join the new Coalition for Divorce Reform and help reduce the numbers of teens that need to go to court (as discussed above). Divorce DRAMATICALLY increases the teen crime and this new coalition is focused on moving upstream to prevent divorce and head off juvenile crime and so many of our social problems BEFORE THEY START. Founded by Chris Gersten and with many names you’ll recognize on the Advisory Board (John Crouch, Scott Stanley, Harville Hendrix, Michelle Weiner-Davis, etc, etc), the Coalition has created template Parental Divorce Reduction legislation as the foundation for their national state-by-state campaign. Visit the site and read the legislation; log in so you can respond to blogs; let Chris know if you want to become a Blogger on the site; and register for their free newsletter.    Their Divorce legislation will mandate Divorce Reduction Education for all parents with minor children (where domestic violence is not an issue) and, of course, Divorce Education is simply Marriage Education by another name – so great way for all of you to get your programs, resources, and skills to them that needs them the most.

To get started in your state, visit the CDR website – read inspirational articles and the legislation template:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/321

They also have a Facebook page – going to their page and ‘liking’ it is such an easy way to help spread this good news.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Coalition-For-Divorce-Reform/175335009188866?ref=ts&sk=wall
-----------------------------------------------------
- DISAGREEMENTS ARE NORMAL

I clipped this one from Dave and Liz Percival's UK Marriage Newsletter. We all know disagreements are normal, but it’s fun and somehow comforting to be reminded that couples all bicker about the same silly stuff. - d

Many a cross word is good for a marriage
Seven tiffs a day is perfectly normal according to the Independent <http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/claudia-pritchard-many-a-cross-word-is-good-for-a-marriage-2287413.html> .

Bicker. It sounds so harmless – virtually a snicker, or a knicker, or a flicker, a flame so tiny as to hardly count. It is not like a row, which rhymes with "Ow!" and ends so abruptly. So the news last week that couples bicker on average seven times a day will bring more consolation than dismay to those for whom the complex business of living together is a constant mystery.

Triggers for a ding-dong, according to the insurance company that analysed the 2,455 annual bust-ups (what was its interest – do couples claim for ornaments thrown and smashed in anger?) are topped by the catch-all "not listening". Overspending is hard on its heels, but the fun starts with the 92 arguments, for passions clearly run high over dill, about what to have for dinner, and 91 accusations of driving too fast.

Other trouble spots include when to have sex (87 – it is not specified whether this concerns the hour, the day or the month), not closing cupboard doors (79), and walking past things that need to go upstairs (a spectacularly gratifying 90). Many of the flashpoints, if not the sex calendar, could be fixed by having staff. The good news is that neglecting to say "I love you" is much rarer than disagreeing over the choice of television channel or not emptying the washing machine.

When today's couples reach their platinum anniversaries, if local newspapers live to tell the tale, the secret of their long partnerships will be out: give and take – and many a cross word.
----------------------------------------------------
- COMMITMENT EQUALITY

This very intriguing finding also from Liz & Dave’s www.2-in-2-1.co.uk newsletter. - diane

Want Lasting Love? It’s Not More Commitment, but EQUAL COMMITMENT That Matters
It stands to reason that a well-loved child can become a loving adult. But what prepares us to make a strong commitment and work out differences with an intimate partner? And what happens when one person is more committed than the other?

Six researchers—M. Minda Oriña of St. Olaf College; W. Andrew Collins, Jeffry A. Simpson, Jessica E. Salvatore, and John S. Kim of the University of Minnesota and Katherine C. Haydon of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign—used the rich mine of data in the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation (MLSRA), coupled with a lab procedure, to look for the answers.

Their findings, which will be published in the June issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science <http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/want-lasting-love-its-not-more-commitment-but-equal-commitment-that-matters.html> , suggest that supportive, involved mothering in toddlerhood and an ability to work through conflict in adolescence are good predictors of becoming the “strong link”—the person with the bigger stake—in adult relationships. If the opposite happened in earlier life, chances are the person will be the “weak link”—the one with one foot out the door.

Equally important, though, is what these predictors don’t account for: It’s good to be prepared for love. But it takes two to tango.

Interestingly, it’s not the partners’ individual commitments that make the most difference in the grace and longevity of the dance. It’s how well their levels of commitment match up. Two strong links will be benevolent and tolerant when the going gets rough. Two weak links may be lax about working things out, but their expectations are equally low—so there’s less friction.

But when a weak link and a strong link pair up, the one with less investment has more influence—and stability is the loser.

The researchers recruited 78 MLSRA participants, 20 or 21 years old, and their heterosexual romantic partners. A questionnaire assessing each participant’s level of commitment was analyzed alongside data from two earlier points in the longitudinal study. First, two-year-olds were observed doing a difficult task while their mothers looked on. Did their mother laugh, help, or ignore the child? Second, at 16, the subjects recounted dealing with a conflict with a best friend, and were assessed for relational attitudes and skills.

This time, each couple discussed—and tried to resolve—the problem that caused them the most conflict. Then they talked about the things they agreed on most. Their videotaped interactions were rated for the amount of hostility—coldness, rejection, and remorseless injury—and hopelessness about the relationship that each partner displayed, and how each tried to quell those in the other.

As expected, the couples with disparate commitments were the most hostile.

The study contributes to our understanding of how we learn to love well. When you’re a baby or a teenager, “you are learning to manage your own needs and those of the people you care about,” Oriña says. “You learn: Can I come forward with a problem? What can I expect of the other person? And how can I do this in a way that everyone wins?”

--------------------------------------------
- MARIA SHRIVER’S PAIN

Dear Diane,

I just read the article you distributed: "Maria Shriver and Infidelity Victims can save marriage, say experts." And I read the linked article about the California Healthy Marriages Coalition's "advice" as to what they should do.

I also wrote an article about the Maria-Arnold situation that offers a different perspective. Basically, I'm making an appeal for people (including experts) not to be too quick to say what Maria should or shouldn't do.

Maria Shriver's Pain
by Peggy Vaughan

Our hearts go out to Maria Shriver as she faces this painful situation. Of course, she's not the first (and won't be the last) wife of a politician or celebrity who faces this kind of public exposure of her personal life.
But this situation feels particularly painful--for many reasons:
         the affair itself (and the rumors that there were others)
         the child born from the affair
         the length of time of the deception
         the woman being part of her household for 20 years

Exposure of the affairs of high-profile people creates a media storm that adds to the difficulty for people in Maria's situation. But she's part of a long list of women (and men), both famous and "unknown," who struggle to pick up the pieces after this kind of blow. And there's every reason to believe that Maria will handle this with the same kind of strength she has shown throughout her life. Even now, she's made clear that her first priority is the well-being of her children.

As we watch this story unfold, it will be tempting to second-guess what Maria should say or do. But I hope people will withhold judging the "rightness" or "wrongness" of any of her decisions or statements.

Also, she should not be judged as to whether she knew (or should have known) about Arnold's extracurricular activities through the years. I know personally how confusing and challenging it can be to determine whether/when/how to fully "know"-- and how difficult it can be to weigh the consequences of taking some particular action vs. not taking it. There are many factors to be considered at every step along the way, and you can not walk in someone else's shoes.

As I have pointed out before, those who haven't been through this experience really don't have a clue as to what they would or wouldn't do unless and until it happens to them. And even those of us who have been through it can't judge for someone else. No two people and no two situations are exactly alike. So there should be NO judgment of anyone's decisions in how they handle it.

While we can never know for sure how we would react (regardless of what we think we would do), I can say that Maria is responding as she said she would in a situation like this. It was 1981 (30 years ago) when James and I were promoting our first book, Beyond Affairs and telling our own personal story, that we appeared on a TV show called "Leave it to the Women." The panel was made up of four women, one of whom was Maria Shriver.

This was five years before her marriage to Arnold, but they were already a couple, albeit a "secret" one. He was at the show with her, and we talked with him backstage. He had read our book, but most of our discussion with him focused on his advice about marketing rather than on the content.

However, on the show itself, Maria directly addressed us with these words:
"I wouldn't have tolerated that in my marriage.
I have a serious boyfriend. He knows it. He agrees.
I read the book. I was so mad at you [James] that I wanted to wring your neck."

These words were typical of the reactions we got in the hundreds of media events we did in those early years. Since we were the first couple to "go public" about our struggle with affairs and staying married, we unleashed the pent-up emotions that most people hold about this issue.

The exposure of affairs continues to create strong emotions among the public, leading to lots of discussion of this topic. But rather than talking only about Maria and Arnold's marriage, I encourage everyone to use this as an opportunity to talk about your own personal relationships.

How well do you really know your "significant other?"
How honest are you about attractions, temptations, and actions regarding monogamy?
If you haven't had these conversations, now is the time to start. As difficult as it may be to talk about it now, it's far more difficult to deal with it after an affair takes place.

Regardless of the current state of your relationship, no one is immune to the threat of affairs. They happen to all kinds of people in all walks of life, including "good people in good marriages." My most recent book, To Have and To Hold, is aimed at helping people prevent affairs.

Posted online at: http://tinyurl.com/3zaexsd
----------------------------------------------------
-   REMEMBER, YOU WERE NUTS ABOUT HIM! REMEMBER?!

Diane,

A few weeks ago we were asked by a Catholic parish in Wells, Maine to
conduct a three hour marriage enrichment program and then discuss with
the group of couples in attendance the possibility of a more extensive
program later in the fall. We took the couples through three different
exercises from three different programs; Mastering the Mysteries of
Love, Ten Great Dates and the Five Love Languages. There was only
enough time to do one activity from each program and the first section
of Ten Great Dates was chosen because we felt that it would be easy,
fun and positive. In the first activity we asked couples to recall the
first time they met, first date, first realization that they were in
love, their wedding day, etc.

When the couples returned after sharing this activity with each other
we asked if anyone cared to share their overall experience. One woman
said it reminded them of a crisis around the tenth year of their
marriage. They had hit a "bump" as she called it and she felt she
really didn't like her husband anymore. In fact she had shared with a
close friend and former college roommate her dislike for her husband
and her thoughts about divorce. "I told my friend that I couldn't
stand him and wondered if I had ever loved him"

"Are you crazy?" her friend said, "Don't you remember you were nuts
about him!!" Based on just that reminder she decided to work on her
marriage and now, seventeen years later, she said they are happier
than they had ever been. Her husband who was also there agreed.

The eight couples who attended Saturday are excited about having a
longer program in the fall.

Your post today (Falling In Love Again-One More Try) reminded
me of that incident. David and Claudia, I hope you know how much good
you have done for thousands of couples over the years. I think that
this parish will decide to offer Ten Great Dates this fall.

With love and appreciation,
Steve and Kathy Bierne
foundationsnewsletter.net

Thanks for the feedback Steve and Kathy. Here are links to
Ten Great Dates - http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/64
And, Mastering the Mysteries - http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/197

And, your email reminds me of the great Michele Weiner-Davis Guerilla Divorce Busting Smart Marriages keynotes that reminded us that when our friends or siblings or kids complain about their marriages or spouses, what we say can make or break a marriage — that we need everyone from family members, to neighbors, to hair stylists, to dentists on board to nudge people back toward their marriages.
And, it reminds me, too, of this clip from the Marriage Quotes page – I’ll share it just because it’s nice to be reminded.

Diane,
  A woman in my online group was being very negative about her husband and the
  group leader told her to try to think of some positives, even if it were
  difficult. This is what she came up with. I thought it was touching. I
  just wanted you to see it.
  - - - - - - - - -
  H was very helpful in the kitchen. He usually got home from work around 3
  PM, and he usually made dinner for the family. I don't get home until around
  5 PM. He did all the yard work, took care of all car maintenance, always
  called me if he was going to be late, instilled complete trust, did the
  lion's share of bill paying because I hate to write due to carpal tunnel
  syndrome, balanced the checkbook, fixed the toilet when it would break
  (regularly), painted the outside of the house.

He usually remembered to put the toilet seat and lid down. He vacuumed
occasionally. He spent lots of time with the kids. He bought advent
calendars with chocolate behind each day for the kids every Christmas
season. He laughed and joked a lot, and didn't like to be serious. He told
me when I looked good. He learned to enjoy horses because our girls and I
loved to ride.

He was willing to try new dishes I prepared. He loved my lasagna. He went to
church with the family every Sunday, even though he had trouble staying
awake during preaching. Although he doesn't like classical music, he went to
almost every concert our daughters played in when they were in youth
symphony (4 years for one and 6 years for the other).

He held my hand through 3 labors and deliveries, and whispered in my ear to
encourage me. He lovingly dressed an open wound for me after surgery for a
breast abscess after the birth of our 3rd. Four years later, he stood beside
my bed as I was being wheeled to surgery to remove a breast due to cancer,
and tears filled his eyes as they did mine. That was in 1989.

He walked the floor for hours at night with a sleepless, cranky child. He
spooned cereal and baby food into little mouths, and endured spit-up and
baby poop on his clothing. He helped me take care of my mother as she was
dying of cancer.

Is this what you mean, JJ? It was difficult to get started, but look what I
  accomplished! I also have a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes
  right now. He was a fantastic husband! My sister told me he "adored" me, and
  I guess that's correct for a lot of the 26 years we have been married.
  Unknown

****************** And, while I’m at it, and because this post isn’t quite long enough :), I’ll include a few more from the quotes page.....because it always amazes me when I visit the quotes page that everyone from Ogden Nash to Ronald Reagan to Frederich Nietzsche has such quotable wisdom about marriage. And, especially Willard Harley! I love his Policy of Enthusiastic Joint Agreement – wish we could get it to the rest of the world. - diane

When a guy is happily married, no matter what happens at work,
no matter what happens [during] the rest of the day, there's a shelter
when you get home. There's a knowledge, knowing that you can
hug somebody without them throwing you downstairs and saying,
'Get your hands off me.'"
AND
Being married is like having a color television set. You never want
to go back to black and white.
Danny Perosa, NPR "Story Corps" Morning Edition
Listen: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=3844820
****************
In one of his famous Lake Woebegon monologues, humorist Garrison
Keillor described a long married couple. Every night the husband
consumed a generous portion of the same menu offering. (Breaded
veal cutlets as I recall). Every night over the course of four
decades, the husband devoured the cutlets, wiped his face with a
napkin, pushed his chair away from the table and looked his wife in
the eye. He smiled at her and spoke in a tender voice, "That's the
best you've ever done." It may sound monotonous to you, but to her
his words of appreciation sounded like sweet music.
Norm Bales, All About Families
*************
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the
wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it;
whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash
*************
The man who puts into the marriage only half
of what he owns will get that out.
Ronald Reagan
*************
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread;
re-made everyday, made new.
Unknown
*************
A good marriage at age 50 predicted positive aging at 80. But,
surprisingly, low cholesterol levels did not.
George Valliant, MD, Harvard Medical School
*************
The Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. This policy helps men take their wives' feelings into account whenever they make a decision - avoid thoughtless habits, learn to meet emotional needs with mutual enjoyment and resolve conflicts. This creates marital compatibility and emotional bonding. Whenever he follows it, he learns to think about his wife's reaction to everything he does. Some argue that just an agreement would be a big help, why insist on enthusiastic agreement? It's because couples need to avoid agreements that are coerced or self-sacrificing. Couples need to learn how to come to agreements that take both of their interests into account at once. I have encouraged couples to continue to negotiate until they arrive at an enthusiastic agreement because they're the ones that stand the test of time. Joint agreement means that both
must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity or subjecting themselves to slavery or control when they themselves must be enthusiastic about each decision. The goal is to become united in purpose and spirit, not to overpower or control each other. Think of it as creating a mutually enjoyable lifestyle.
Willard Harley, MarriageBuilders.com
*********************
When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you
believe that you will be able to converse well with
this person into your old age? Everything else in
marriage is transitory.
Friedrich Nietzsche
*************

- FOR INFORMATION about how to post to the Smart Marriages® newslist;
subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/newslist.info.html

Viral / Census / Infidelity / Chemistry / Early Marriage & Mating / Divorce Reform - 5/ 23/11

2011-05-23T12:00:00.001-04:00

- MARRIAGE PROPOSAL GOES VIRAL
- AMERICANS STILL CHOOSING MARRIAGE, CENSUS SHOWS
- MORE COMMENTARY ON THE NEW CENSUS REPORT FROM WILCOX/CHERLIN/ ABC NEWS
- MARIA SHRIVER AND INFIDELITY VICTIMS CAN SAVE MARRIAGE, SAY EXPERTS
- THE TRICKY CHEMISTRY OF ATTRACTION
- NOT TOO LATE TO BRING BACK EARLY MARRIAGE
- MARK REGENERUS PRESENTS WED MAY 25 IN DC – FREE
- The MOST PIONEERING DIVORCE REFORM EFFORT IN 40 YEARS

____________________________
- I’M BACK
I’ve been away. I spent a few weeks with my mother, first to celebrate Mother’s Day and then her 90th birthday. I’m trying to catch up on emails and with posts to the list.   - diane

--------------------------------------------
- MARRIAGE PROPOSAL GOES VIRAL
http://tinyurl.com/3k878pv
This video already has 6 million+ viewers.....which shows that people love romance. Let’s hope this guy puts as much effort into his marriage as he did into the proposal. This new requirement for ever more elaborate wedding proposals has also filtered down to prom invitations in high school. What we need is for things to move upstream with more elaborate 20th and 50th wedding anniversary celebrations. - diane

----------------------------------------------
- AMERICANS STILL CHOOSING MARRIAGE, CENSUS SHOWS
May. 20, 2011 • Christian Post

- A new Census Bureau report shows that the majority of Americans are still happy to say "I do."

Census figures show that 55 percent of adults had been married once by 2009.

And although the figures show that people are marrying later in life, more marriages are lasting, with 75 percent of those marrying since 1990 making it to their 10th anniversary – around three percent higher than in the early 1980s when the nation saw its highest divorce rates.

In 2009, more than half of currently married couples (55 percent) had been married for at least 15 years, while 35 percent had reached their 25th anniversary. Six percent had even passed their golden wedding anniversary.

These percentages are around one to two percentage points higher than they were in 1996, reflecting the leveling of divorce rates and increases in life expectancy.

Andrew Cherlin, a professor of public policy and sociology at Johns Hopkins University, suggests that more marriages are lasting today because couples are successfully balancing work and sharing their income.

“People seem to be finding a new marriage bargain that works for 21st-century couples,” he told The Washington Post.

“It’s based on pooling two incomes, replacing the old breadwinner-homemaker bargain that worked well in the ‘50s.”

Divorce rates peaked in the early 1980s after the legal process for divorcing was made easier, but the census finds that divorce rates across most age groups have fallen by an average of five percentage points since 1996.

While 18.8 percent of 25- to 29-year-olds who had been married were divorced in 1996, the percentage dropped to 13.8 percent in 2009. For 30- to 34-year-old women, the rate of divorce dropped from 25.6 to 21.3 percent. The divorce rate among older women (50 years and over), however, increased. Overall, 21 percent of men and 22 percent of women had ever been divorced.
______________________________
- MORE COMMENTARY ON THE NEW CENSUS REPORT FROM WILCOX/CHERLIN/ ABC NEWS
http://abcnews.go.com/US/long-lasting-marriages-rise-us-census-report/story?id=13638606

_________________________________
- MARIA SHRIVER AND INFIDELITY VICTIMS CAN SAVE MARRIAGE, SAY EXPERTS
Examiner.com
Rita Watson
May 13, 2011

. . . Michele Weiner-Davis points to optimism and reconciliation

“In the three decades of my working with couples on the brink, I’ve observed that most marital problems are solvable and most divorce is unnecessary. Couples don't need to stay together and be miserable; they can actually fall back in love again once they learn new relationship skills. There's cause for optimism."

She added: “The fact is that there will be ups and downs. But I have seen that when two people start talking and have a goal -- saving a marriage is less painful than going through a divorce.”

As an award-winning therapist she often get referrals from divorce attorneys who believe that their clients are not quite "done" with their marriages, even if the other spouse is half-way out the door.

Weiner-Davis said: “The truth is that it is never too late to reverse the spiraling downward trend of marriages as long as even one person is dedicated to changing his or her behavior.

“The worst sign during these late stages of marriage is complacency, not hostility. Hostility means that spouses are still emotionally connected to one another and with the right marriage-strengthening advice -- the relationship can become more loving again. Making marriages work and keeping families together is a goal worth striving for.”

Faling in love again - one more try

For Alisa Bowman, when her fairytale marriage became unbearable, she consoled herself by planning her husband’s funeral. Yes, that’s how much she wished him dead. A friend convinced her to give her relationship one last try – and she did. She made a commitment to the marriage, talked about it with her husband, and with a final burst of devotion today they are the happily married couple that so many others dream about.

For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/3m52m4s
_____________________________________
- THE TRICKY CHEMISTRY OF ATTRACTION
Taking Birth-Control Pills May Mask the Signals That Draw the Sexes Together, Research Shows
WSJ, May 9, 2011
Much of the attraction between the sexes is chemistry. New studies suggest that when women use hormonal contraceptives, such as birth-control pills, it disrupts some of these chemical signals, affecting their attractiveness to men and women's own preferences for romantic partners. . . .
. . . . More than 92 million prescriptions for hormonal contraceptives, including pills, patches and injections, were filled last year in the U.S., according to data-tracker IMS Health.

Researchers say their aim isn't to scare or stop women from taking hormonal contraceptives. "We just want to know what we're doing" by taking the pill, says Alexandra Alvergne, a researcher in biological anthropology at University College London in the U.K. "If there is a risk it affects our romantic life and the health status of our children, we want to know."

For the full article:
http://tinyurl.com/3zqayaz
----------------------------------------------
- NOT TOO LATE TO BRING BACK EARLY MARRIAGE
The National Post • May 21, 2011

University of Texas sociology professor Mark Regnerus has a few odd things to say about marriage: Do not wait so long; all your ducks do not have to be in a row before marrying.

His ideas, once the norm, now go against what most parents tell their grown children: You are too young; you need to live first; you don’t have enough money or a good job; there is plenty of time to get married.

“In a society that values its independence above all things, marriage is going to take second place,” says Prof. Regnerus, who co-wrote the recently released Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying.

Marriage has become devalued and ridiculed, he says. As a result more people are marrying later in life, if they marry at all, are experiencing difficulty in having children because they marry past the peak fertility age and are splitting up because commitment to the institution has eroded.

His message is often directed at evangelical Christians, but he thinks society as a whole benefits from stable marriages. He notes the median age for a first marriage has shifted from 21 for women and 23 for men in 1970 to 26 and 28 respectively today. “That’s five additional, long years of peak sexual interest and fertility. And remember, those numbers are medians: for every man marrying at 22, there’s one marrying for the first time at 34.”

He and his wife of 18 years married at 22 and lived in a small apartment with two children while he completed his postdoctorate — lest it be thought his ideas are just academic.

Q So everyone should follow your lead and marry young?
A People can say about me, “This a moron who married at 22 and he wants us to live the life he did.” I’m not doing that. But there is a common narrative now that says you’re not ready for marriage and this is something for later on. I want to poke a few holes in it. My wife and I can look back and smile at the times we shared, but today people get together later and they have to instruct each other what their life was like because they did not share it. Today it’s about smashing two independent people together. It also taught us a great lesson in thriftiness. . . .
For full interview: http://life.nationalpost.com/2011/05/21/not-too-late-to-bring-back-early-marriage/
---------------------------------------------------
- MARK REGENERUS PRESENTS WED MAY 25 IN DC – FREE
Kay Hymowitz and Hanna Rossin will join Regenerus for discussion of Sexual Economics: Forces Shaping How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Marry - NOON at Heritage Foundation
RSVP at heritage.org/Press/Events or at 202-675-1752
--------------------------------------------------
- The MOST PIONEERING DIVORCE REFORM EFFORT IN 40 YEARS
Beverly Willett - Huffington Post (blog) - 5/18/11

Recidivist rates are alarming -- children of divorce are 89% more likely to divorce than their peers from intact families, and divorce rates for second and third marriages have soared to about 67% and 74%, respectively. And one million children a year ...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/beverly-willett/the-most-pioneering-divor_b_863024.html

____________________________
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subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
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US$83.5M PROPOSAL

2011-05-14T16:36:00.000-04:00

I am Dr. Philip Ezoma the Contract Award Committee Chairman in the Nigerian National Petroleum Cooperation (NNPC). It is my pleasure to make this mutually benefiting business proposal to you.
Early last year there was a major oil spillage in the Niger Delta Region of Nigeria which rendered over 70% of the communities homeless. So the federal government decided to lease the three existing petroleum refineries to private individuals and companies to make the refineries more viable, resourceful and to eliminate undue wastage and fraud. So contracts were awarded to a foreign firm for the repair and construction of new refineries, but because of the huge monetary profit we envisaged we decided to over-invoice the contract sum. Now the contract has been completed and the original contractor has since been paid, but the contract balance of US$83.5 million, which resulted from the over invoiced contract sum is been left in a suspense account with the CENTRAL BANK corresponding paying bank in Europe.
I have been assigned by my other colleagues to seek for assistance of a reliable foreigner through whom we can transfer this sum of US$83.5 million which arose from the deliberate over-inflated contract value. It does not matter whether you or your company does contract project of the nature described here, the assumption is that you won a major contract and subcontracted it to another company, more often non big trading companies or individuals of unrelated field win major contracts here and subcontracts same to more specialized firms for execution. So the nature of your business is not particularly relevant for the success of this transaction. All we require is your willingness as a foreigner to co-operate with us and assurance that our own share will be given to us when this money is transferred into your account. Then we shall use out position to secure all the government approvals in your favor to enable to transfer to your nominated bank account.
We have agreed that you will be entitled to 25% of the entire funds, 70% will be for us, while 5% will be set aside to cover any unforeseen expenses that may be incurred by both parties during this transaction, both local and international.
Please I enjoin you to handle this transaction with utmost degree of maturity and confidentiality because I am still in active government service with the "NIGERIAN NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION". All necessary precautions have been taken to ensure a no risk situation on the sides of both parties and it is believed that the conclusion of this transaction will not last more than 8 working days, since the money is already in transit account with the corresponding paying bank in Europe. However, we are going to retrieve the whole documents that will relate to this transaction after the transfer of the money into your account to avoid any trace of the money.
We are looking forward to doing this business with you and solicit absolute confidentiality from you in this transaction. Please reply with your full contact coordinates (Phone/fax etc, plus address) to enable me contact you for a verbal discussion and also treat this transaction as confidential matter.
I will send you all the details as soon as you indicate your willingness to me.
Much Regards,
Dr. Philip Ezoma
Reply to: nnpc_contractaward@ibibo.com

NARME Early-Birds/ Pre-Promise/ Infidelity Reconsidered / Oldest Ever / Married Health / Marriage Gap / Royal Wedding - 5/4/2011

2011-05-04T14:21:00.001-04:00

- NARME CONFERENCE EARLY-BIRD REGISTRATION DEADLINE NEXT WEEK!
- INSTEAD OF A PRE-NUP, A PRE-PROMISE
- INFIDELITY SERIES RECONSIDERED
- OLDEST COUPLE EVER TO TIE THE KNOT - 2011
- Physical and emotional health of older couples linked for better or worse, study finds
- Celebrate marriage, not just a royal wedding
- Why I’m Watching the Royal Wedding
____________________________________
- NARME CONFERENCE EARLY-BIRD REGISTRATION DEADLINE NEXT WEEK!
Register before the May 13th early-bird deadline! Go to www.NARMEconference.com <https://owa.familyservices.org/owa/redir.aspx?C=59f3d98118474dd7b6dca1f3ab109733&URL=http%3a%2f%2fwww.narmeconference.com%2f> to select from over 160 workshops, 22 training/certifications, up to 30 CEU hours, and conference networking extras! See the NARME website for the full list of plenary speakers, local attractions, to reserve an exhibit, and to book your room at the Hilton at the special conference rate of $109 single/double.
__________________________________
- INSTEAD OF A PRE-NUP, A PRE-PROMISE

Speaking of pre-nups for William and Kate, instead of a Pre-Nup, Kathy and I developed a Pre-Promise that
we give to couples going through marriage preparation. We’ve included it in our premarital discussion resource, FACET.
Steve and Kathy Beirne
FoundationsNewsletter.net

I’ve posted the Pre-Promise on the Smart Marriages FREE STUFF page here:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/free.stuff.html
Scroll 3/4’s of the way down – it’s right under Premarital Conversations. - diane

-------------------------------------------------------

- INFIDELITY SERIES RECONSIDERED
Several of you weighed in with concerns about your interactions with various casting directors for the upcoming infidelity series.
I also had these reservations but was reassured by others who had pretty decent experiences in shooting the pilot – not perfect experiences, but acceptable. I also feel in these situations that the show is going to happen and we might as well participate to try to shape the message and resources. However, I want to share the email from Patty Newbold to represent the concerns several of you raised about issues to keep in mind as you weigh your decision to participate – and if you do participate, to use as you navigate the show. Also, several of you have asked for clarification on WHICH network. I’m not at liberty to discuss this. You’ll have to use your imagination. - diane

Diane,

I would like to share with you that I talked with one of the casting directors for the infidelity series and, although I initially welcomed the idea of the show, I am now VERY uncomfortable with their plans.

Like you, they were asking me to put a call out to my e-list for couples to participate on the show – to tell their stories of how they’d gotten past the pain and chaos of infidelity. My concern is that the casting director says, "the point of the show is to let people know they are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel." For this reason, they will feature only couples who are "well past the initial hurt," and whether they ended up saving their marriage or separating, they have things so well resolved that they are now able to sit down and talk about the infidelity together on camera.

The problem is that this paints a highly unrealistic picture. There are the few couples that have worked things out to the point where they can all celebrate Thanksgiving together – but those are rare, the exception, not the rule. Most post-infidelity couples who split have trouble even attending their children’s weddings or graduations together. And many who have remained together nurse their wounds, suspicion, blame, and guilt for the rest of their lives. And that’s just the couple – nothing about the lifelong effects on the kids or the rest of the family. When I asked which infidelity experts were included, I was told the only psychologists or therapists will be those who saw the couples. No one to give us the broader picture or to care for the couples or their kids as they go public.

My big concern is that the more the public is exposed to people who have cheated, and the more we smooth over the pain and chaos and present only happy, well-adjusted endings, the more likely people are to succumb to infidelity. I guess another way of putting this is that I fear the show will ‘normalize’ infidelity, tie it up in a pretty package with a big bow and no loose ends. It’s good to help couples facing infidelity to aspire to working things out, BUT featuring ONLY couples who are FINE NOW airbrushes out the harsh reality of the lifelong aftermath, the pain, damage, resentment, and destruction.

Instead of happy endings, I believe we need to hear alternatives for those at the point where cheating looks like the best way to address their own needs in spite of the danger to their spouse and children. I wish the production company would rethink this show, because they could do so much good with it.

Patty Newbold
www.EnjoyBeingMarried.com
www.AssumeLove.com

-----------------------------------------------------
- OLDEST COUPLE EVER TO TIE THE KNOT - 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVg7pc3B5_A

I like the comment that says “....she gave him something to live for”.....and, of course, gotta love seeing them dance. Maybe you’d like to add your comments. - d

____________________________________________
- Physical and emotional health of older couples linked for better or worse, study finds
May 4, 2011
A study of older married couples that gives new meaning to the matrimonial adage "for better or worse" finds that spouses have a much greater impact on their partner's health than previously known.

The study, published in the current issue of the American Psychological Association's journal Health Psychology, finds strong associations between the physical and emotional health of older married couples – and provides important new information on the psychological toll of physical limitations in old age.

Researchers from the University of British Columbia and Pennsylvania State University tracked the emotional and physical histories of more than 1,700 older couples over a 15-year period, using data from a major U.S. survey. Participants ranged in age from 76 to 90 and many had been married for more than 40 years.

In individuals and couples, the researchers found a strong relationship between "depressive symptoms" (unhappiness, loneliness and restlessness) and "functional limitations" – the physical inability to perform such basic tasks as climbing stairs, picking up objects, cooking and shopping. While previous studies have linked physical and emotional health in individuals, this is the first study to show the phenomenon in couples. . . .

The researchers found that spouses' depressive symptoms waxed and waned closely with those of their partners. Functional limitations in one spouse was not only associated with their own depressive symptoms but also with depressive symptoms in the other spouse. Increases in depressive symptoms in one spouse were also associated with greater functional limitations in both spouses.

"When people are depressed, they tend to want to stay at home – but that causes a spouse to stay home more too," . . .

"Being married for a long time is a very specific situation, it really ties your lives together," says Hoppmann, whose previous research has explored happiness in older couples. "These findings show just how interdependent, emotionally and physically, long-term couples can become."

Hoppmann says the findings point towards a greater need for holistic healthcare approaches. "This interdependence suggests that we cannot simply focus on individual patients, while disregarding the major impacts their illnesses can have on the people in their lives," she says, noting studies have shown caregivers to be at a greater risk for mental and physical health problems.

Full article:
http://tinyurl.com/656hwxo
--------------------------------------------------------
- Celebrate marriage, not just a royal wedding

Mona Charen
Washington Examiner
May 2, 2011

Prince William and his bride, Catherine Middleton, exchanged vows.
>
> You needn't be a royal watcher to join wholeheartedly in the rejoicing at a
> wedding. And we should celebrate -- not because the principals are royalty,
> but because marriage itself badly needs reinforcing.
>
> For the past several decades, we've been conducting an experiment to determine
> whether marriage really matters all that much to society. The results are in.
> But the news hasn't yet been taken on board.
>
> College-educated, upper-middle-class strivers are not the ones who need
> reminding about the importance of marriage. Among the upper middle class,
> marriage continues to be the norm.
>
> Among the lower middle class, though, marriage rates have collapsed. This has
> created a cultural gulf between classes in America that affects every aspect
> of life and arguably threatens the cohesion of America itself.
>
> This territory has been explored by Kay Hymowitz in her 2006 book, "Marriage
> and Caste in America," as well as by scholars like Sara McLanahan, Barbara
> Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe, among others.
>
> Charles Murray's forthcoming book, "Coming Apart at the Seams," which he
> previewed in a recent lecture at the American Enterprise Institute, examines
> marriage as one of four key virtues that conduce to a healthy polity (the
> others are industriousness, piety and honesty).
>
> Echoing George Gilder, Murray notes that marriage is crucial because it
> "civilizes men." Married men don't just earn more and have significantly lower
> rates of criminality, substance abuse, depression and poor health than single
> men. They also contribute more social capital to society.
>
> Married men are far more likely to coach Little League, volunteer at church
> and shovel their elderly neighbor's walk. Married people, far more than
> singles (there are exceptions, of course), take responsibility not just for
> themselves and their children, but for the community.
>
> In 1960, Murray observes, 88 percent of upper-middle-class adults were
> married. In 2010, the figure was 83 percent. A small drop. But among the
> working class, 83 percent of whom were married in 1960, the figure today is 43
> percent. What does that mean?
>
> It means that life for adults is more chaotic and less rewarding. Married
> mothers have far lower rates of depression than single or cohabiting mothers.
> Married women also experience much less domestic violence.
>
> Married couples build more wealth than singles or cohabiting couples. Married
> adults are also healthier, live longer (particularly men) and are more likely
> to report that they are happy with their lives.
>
> Children pay an even higher price. As Hymowitz writes: "... if you want to
> analyze the inequality problem -- start with the marriage gap. Virtually all
> -- 92 percent -- of children whose families make over $75,000 per year are
> living with [married] parents. On the other end of the income scale, the
> situation is reversed: Only 20 percent of kids in families earning under
> $15,000 live with both parents."
>
> The evidence is overwhelming. Parental behavior -- that is, choosing to wait
> until marriage to have children, or not -- is the key determinant of success
> for children. "Children of single mothers," Hymowitz writes, "have lower
> grades and educational attainment than kids who grow up with married parents,
> even after controlling for race, family background, and IQ."
>
> And it isn't just the presence of a man in the house that makes married
> families more successful. "Poverty rates of cohabiting-couple parents are
> double those of married couples, even controlling for education, immigration
> status and race."
>
> For those who love social science statistics, there are reams of them about
> the poor outcomes for kids whose parents didn't marry. They are far more
> likely to suffer from ill health (physical and mental), joblessness and
> substance abuse than are kids from intact families. They are 40 times more
> likely to become victims of sexual abuse. And they are far more likely to
> become unwed parents themselves.
>
> So by all means raise a glass -- not so much to William and Kate, who've been
> well feted, but to the institution that holds the secret of success for the
> rest of us.
>
> Examiner Columnist Mona Charen is nationally syndicated by Creators Syndicate

Kay Hymowitz received the Smart Marriages Impact Award for her book Marriage and Caste in America. Order the book here:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist - used from $2.37

Download her Smart Marriages keynote here:
http://www.iplaybacksmartmarriages.com/prod_detail_list/s?keyword=hymowitz

--------------------------------------
- Why I’m Watching the Royal Wedding
April 26, 2011
By Elizabeth Marquardt

I’m a 40-year-old mom, a self-identified feminist since age six, a strong woman I’m told, married for nearly 15 years to the same man. A practical dresser and a low-maintenance type, I like to think. Also a fan of the democratic process. Not into kings and queens, and I can’t stand all that Pepto-Bismol-pink princess stuff marketed to girls (fortunately my daughter, now eight, never showed any interest in that stuff either).

Yet here I sit, planning to wake my daughter up very early this Friday morning to watch the Royal Wedding. Months ago I planned a menu of scones (homemade or store-bought depends on my level of motivation Thursday night), clotted cream (Whole Foods <http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/265641/why-im-watching-royal-wedding-elizabeth-marquardt#> is apparently the source), jam, and tea. How my daughter will perform in school that day given a 4 a.m. wake-up call, or what time I’ll even get her to school, is an open question for now.

Why am I doing this?

Because when I was growing up, my beloved grandmother’s coffee table and the chest at the end of a bed in the upstairs guest room were always covered with glossy women’s magazines: McCall’s, Ladies Home Journal, Good Housekeeping. In my formative years their covers were often graced with the face of Princess Diana, sometimes with her gorgeous boys. My grandmother Mary Lois is no longer living, but one of those little boys is now getting married. Watching his Westminster Abbey celebration will somehow connect me to her.

But that’s not all.

I’m also doing this because I want my daughter to have some images of weddings in her head: big, bold, beautiful, over the top, stuck in your memory forever, a cultural-marker-for-the-entire-English-speaking-world type wedding. Not because I want her to have precisely that kind of wedding someday (no Bridezillas allowed here), but because as I approached marriage, I had no template in my head for what kind of wedding — or marriage — I wanted to have. I hear so often of women who planned their weddings even as girls. It never occurred to me to do that. No one ever talked to me about my future wedding or marriage or husband, about what I should look for or think about or avoid. I never once thought about my wedding day until I was old enough to consider marrying someone. Even then I was blank on how the whole event came together, or even the fact that a number of things need to be done, in a certain order, to make a wedding happen. When my husband and I got engaged, he ended up taking the lead on planning our fairly small wedding because most of it was a mystery to me.

My daughter is a bold, lively girl. Physically strong and strong-willed, long brown hair she’s only now deigning to brush, a fan of stretchy clothes she can move around in, far fonder of stuffed and real animals than dolls, a natural leader in a pack of kids. I love all that. But I also know that someday she’ll desire to bond with another. I want to get started talking, now, about how that might look. What makes for a good husband? Why is a wedding joyful? What does marriage look like, and what is it for? In the wee hours of a rainy spring morning, over scones and tea, the global spectacle of a royal wedding seems like a wonderful opportunity to converse lightly about these matters at once weighty, life-altering, and life-affirming.

— Elizabeth Marquardt is author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, editor of FamilyScholars.org, and vice president for family studies and director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values. Order her book here:
http://www.smartmarriages.com/app/Media.Booklist - used from 1¢

http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/265641/why-im-watching-royal-wedding-elizabeth-marquardt

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subscribe or UNSUBSCRIBE, or an archive of all past posts:
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Infidelity Series - 4/3/11

2011-05-03T16:54:00.001-04:00

- INFIDELITY SERIES CASTING CALL
I know many of you have already been talking to these folks, but they’re now ready to cast the net farther and have asked me to send this request to the list. A company that produces shows like A Baby Story, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, Mystery Diagnosis is looking for couples willing to share their stories and lessons learned on a groundbreaking new Infidelity series set to air this summer on a MAJOR cable network. This will be a 13-part documentary series whose goal is to help couples avoid and/or heal from infidelity – that is, not a talk show. They want married or divorced couples who are past the initial hurt/chaos who would be able to discuss the situation and whatever resolution they’ve reached and help the public with lessons learned. Note that they need couples, not individuals. If you’re such a couple or an expert who could provide couples, contact: infidelity.casting “at” gmail.com

------------------------------------------

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Improve Your Marriage Webinar/ Marriage Fiesta / College Course Sources / Appreciations/Friends-with-Benefits / Prenups -5/3/10

2011-05-03T12:56:00.001-04:00

- HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT WEBINAR
- MARRIAGE FIESTA HOTEL RAFFLE
- GET YOUR MATERIALS INCLUDED IN A MARRIAGE COLLEGE COURSE.....
- APPRECIATIONS
- HOLY STATE OF FRIENDS-WITH-BENEFITS
- PRENUPS

--------------------------------------------
- HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT WEBINAR
Pat Love and Steven Stosny will offer their acclaimed Webinar, How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It on May 15 at 3 pm. You can download a free recorded Webinar by the dynamic duo and register for the May 15 Webinar here:
http://compassionpower.com/HowtoImprove.php

------------------------------------------
- MARRIAGE FIESTA HOTEL RAFFLE
Register for the Marriage Fiesta by May 5th for a chance to win a free hotel room:

http://tinyurl.com/3wepmo2

----------------------------------------------
- GET YOUR MATERIALS INCLUDED IN A MARRIAGE COLLEGE COURSE.....
Or, suggest your favorite sources. - d

Diane,

I am putting together the material for a university course called "Marriage in America". My goal is to provide students with an accurate review of "western" marriage. Although I have put together many readings, I would love suggestions from Smartmarriage subscribers about materials that address "personal writings, public speeches, social movements, popular media, and scholarly advice". Here’s the course description:

This special topics course will examine marriage in America and how it has changed form and function for the past 500 years. Particular attention will be placed on marriage within the 20th and 21st centuries. The course will examine marriage as depicted in personal writings, public speeches, social movements, popular media, and scholarly advice. We will spend considerable time discussing the relevant issues of today including why marriage is an important institution, why the discussion of same sex marriage is important, and what is the likely future of marriage in America.

Brian Camp, PhD
Professor, Family Science
brian.camp@okbu.edu
-------------------------------

- APPRECIATIONS
I just heard from a bunch of you with appreciations for the Tina Fey prayer. This after I mentioned that I had received replies that were negative about sending the prayer to the list. I’ll let Kathy Beirne represent, and thank all the rest of you who took time to let me know that you did appreciate it. Some of you asked what kind of criticism was sent, so I’ll include one representative negative comment. We ARE, indeed, a coalition – many different folks with different perspectives all united by our work to promote marriage and relationship education. As some of you said “this is sick!” and others “it made my day!”. - diane

Diane,
This reminds me to LET YOU KNOW when I love something you send - the Tina Fey prayer was one! I read it to two of my daughters and sent it to the third. Lucy paid me the supreme compliment of saying that I read it better than Tina Fey who shared it on Fresh Air. I also passed it along to other mothers. To me it showed that even the most sarcastic, "with it" woman has the same fears and hopes we all do when it comes to her child, and that she turns to the same source for hopes for her.
So - sorry for not responding right away, and thanks for giving us the alternative stuff.
Kathy Beirne
FoundationsNewsletter.net

Diane,
I am deeply offended by the latest offering you sent - Tina Fey's Prayer. Tina Fey is Greek and most of us are Orthodox Christians. This is the Lenten Season, as season of spiritual awareness and forgiveness. It is a most Holy season before Pascha. Her "prayer" is full of vulgarities and a slam to God as an offering of prayer. I wish you would think twice before offering this item to your friends.
Rosemary Kromidas Hendrix, MMFT

-----------------------------
- HOLY STATE OF FRIENDS-WITH-BENEFITS
I’m guessing this is another post that might not please all subscribers all of the time. First, a warning: adult content – view at your own risk. If you were offended by the Tina Fey prayer, you’ll likely be offended by this video clip. It is from the CollegeHumor.Com website and pokes holes in cohabitation. I’m sharing it to show you what’s out there for the edification/entertainment of young adults faced with decisions about whether to cohabit or not to cohabit. That is the question. - d

http://tinyurl.com/5mzjns
________________________
- PRENUPS
Apparently Will and Kate don’t have a prenup which generated many media articles about prenup pros/cons. I’ll assume you’ve read them and simply forward this nice short list of questions for anyone you might be counseling – good for premarital discussion purposes, prenup or not. From a legal site. http://tinyurl.com/4xflmry

-----------------------------------------

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2011-05-02T01:46:00.000-04:00

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Babies / William's Duty / Mother's Day - 4/27/11

2011-04-28T23:29:00.001-04:00

- BABIES: SO CUTE, SO HARD ON MARRIAGE
- CAN YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE WITHOUT SEX?
- MOTHER’S DAY
_____________________________________
- BABIES: SO CUTE, SO HARD ON MARRIAGE
After Baby, Men and Women Are Unhappy in Different Ways; Pushing Pre-Emptive Steps
Andrea Petersen
Wall Street Journal
April 27, 2011

[It makes me so happy to see this info getting out to the public. Have to give it a BIG TAH DAH!
Love the PRE-EMPTIVE EMPHASIS!! Hooray for Andrea Petersen and the WSJ – diane ]

Along with shopping for sippy cups and strollers, expectant parents may want to consider another task for their to-do list: honing their marriage skills.

Numerous studies have shown that a couples' satisfaction with their marriage takes a nose dive after the first child is born. Sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to change diapers can leach the fun out of a relationship.

Now, a growing number of mental-health professionals are advising couples to undergo pre-baby counseling to hash out marital minefields such as divvying up baby-related responsibilities, money issues and expectations for sex and social lives. A growing number of hospitals, midwives and doulas (birth coaches who provide physical and emotional support) are teaching relationship skills alongside childbirth education classes.

About two-thirds of couples see the quality of their relationship drop within three years of the birth of a child. . . .

. . . Another program, a 12-hour Bringing Baby Home workshop for expectant and new parents, developed by the Relationship Research Institute, teaches "four steps of constructive problem solving." They include the "softened start-up," a way of bringing up a problem without criticizing. For example, using "I" statements, and saying things like "I would appreciate it if...". . . .

. . . The Relationship Research Institute has trained about 800 people to lead Bringing Baby Home programs since the course's launch in 2005. The program is now offered to couples in at least 17 hospitals across the country.

For the full article: http://tinyurl.com/6zk4nw3

___________________________________________

- CAN YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE WITHOUT SEX?
Prince William's Christian duty will be to satisfy his wife sexually.
April 27, 2011
Saints and Scoundrels
A moral romp through the triumphs and travails of prominent Westerners.
Psychologytoday.com/Blog
by John Portmann
Associate Prof of Religious Studies, U of Virginia

[There is so much commentary revolving around the Kate/William nuptials – most of which comes in the form of advice that each of us could have written ourselves, but, this one is different and when I find something that seems to have a new angle, I pass it along to you (although, as I learned by much expressed unhappiness with the Tina Fey prayer for/to her daughter, the new angles are not always appreciated.) - diane ]

Many Jews and Christians still view marriage as a matter of sex, as opposed to friendship or sharing material goods or inheritance. Prince William will marry a woman in a Christian ceremony later this week: He had better be prepared to give her regular sexual satisfaction. We know that Prince William's parents stopped satisfying each other sexually, turning to others for pleasure in bed. Before they committed adultery, it is likely that Charles and Diana fell short of the sexual expectations of a Christian wedding contract.

Following St. Paul, Christians might argue that marriage is for sex (and that sex is for marriage). St. Paul, like Augustine after him, took lust as a simple fact of life, a sinful effect of the Fall of Adam and Eve. Since lust was natural, it was for Paul naturally a part of marriage. Indeed, lust was the reason why men and women marry. Once a man and wife start having sex, they shouldn't stop. Over the centuries, Christian theologians would pivot onto this rudimentary idea exceptions such as impotence, leprosy, and captivity, even as various theologians questioned the authority of the pope to dissolve marriages which seemed problematic. Should Prince William's bride one day come to suffer from, say, Alzheimer's, he will have to decide what to do with his sexual needs, which are guaranteed satisfaction from his wedding day forward.

St. Paul's influential reference to conjugal rights in 1 Corinthians 7 does not come from out of the blue; the idea that a husband and wife owed sexual intercourse to one another ("conjugal debt") comes from Judaism, with some modifications. . . . .

. . . Judaism took the idea of sexual obligation so seriously as to protect a woman's sexual pleasure, as opposed to simply her right to take part regularly in the sexual act itself. The sexual act failed to fulfill a man's duty if the woman did not feel pleasure, that is, achieve an orgasm. Satisfaction of the wife is commanded; the law is called onah. For centuries, Jewish law permitted a woman to demand a divorce from her husband if he failed to fulfill his conjugal debt.

To read the full post:
http://tinyurl.com/3vbndg9

-------------------------------------------------
- MOTHER’S DAY
Someone asked me if I could send her the Mother’s Day quotes I sent out last year. She didn’t know how to look this up on the archive. I found both the 09 and ‘10 versions for her and will paste these in for the rest of you to remind you that you’ve got a week to get ready. (It’s easy to search the newslist archive – one click away on the SmartMarriages.com home page. Look in left column for the link.) -d

- ONE WEEK TO MOTHER'S DAY
I'm sure you've all planned wonderful ways to honor your mothers but this is
just a reminder. Remember MOM is just WOW upside down.....and plan
accordingly.

And, here are some favorite Mother's Day quotes. (Yes, I know they also
apply just as well to fathers). Speaking of which, Father's Day is just 5
weeks away - which means you can be working on marriage-related stories for
your
local media:
>
> Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to
> have your heart go walking around outside your body. - Elizabeth Stone
>
> Who is getting more pleasure from this rocking, the baby or me? - Nancy Thayer
>
> No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs
> of improvement. - Florida Scott-Maxwell
>
> "All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother."- Abraham Lincoln
>
> The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed
> before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something
> absolutely new. - Rajneesh
>
> On Mother's Day I have written a poem for you. In the interest of poetic
> economy and truth, I have succeeded in concentrating my deepest feelings and
> beliefs into two perfectly crafted lines: You're my mother, I would have no
> other! - Forest Houtenschil
>
> Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother. - Lin Yutang,
>
> The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their
> mother. – Henry Ward Beecher

For those who have lost your mom - and I know many of you have just this
year, I love this by Christopher Buckley in last Sunday's NY Times on the
grief of it all:

> One moment you¹re doing fine, living your life..... Then in the next instant,
> boom, there it is. It has various ways of presenting, as doctors say of
> disease.
>
> Sometimes it comes in the form of a black hole inside you, sucking the rest of
> you into it; at other times it is a sense of disconnection, as if you had been
> holding your mother’s hand in a crowd and suddenly she let go.

- HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY - LOVE YOU FOREVER

Terry Hargrave introduced us to the Terry Munsch book, I'll Love You
Forever, I'll Like You For Always, at a keynote. Wish I could send his
version - his reading brought the whole audience to tears, but this You Tube
version is good, too. If your mother doesn't have it, the book is the
perfect Mother's Day gift. The You Tube version is 8 minutes. I challenge
you to watch the whole thing dry-eyed. Or, buy the book and try reading it
to your kids and/or your mother. I can never get through it.
http://tinyurl.com/c8jfle

Another wonderful way to celebrate the day, rent the Babies movie and watch it together.
- diane
_________________________________

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Rose Colored Glasses / WWME Flash Mob / Memory Lane/Cross-Cultural /Boredom - 4/26/11

2011-04-26T13:23:00.001-04:00

- DON’T MISPLACE YOUR ROSE COLORED GLASSES
- WORLDWIDE MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER FLASH MOB
WHAT IS A FLASH MOB:
SMART MARRIAGES MEMORY LANE:
- CROSS CULTURAL RESOURCE
- 70 WAYS BOREDOM CAN KILL A MARRIAGE (WITH WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO LOSE INTEREST THAN MEN)
__________________________
- DON’T MISPLACE YOUR ROSE COLORED GLASSES
Want a Happier Marriage? Unrealistically Idealize Your Partner
PsychCentral.com
By John M Grohol PsyD
Founder & Editor-in-Chief

If ignorance is bliss, then delusion is even better — if you’re in a new marriage, anyways.

So says new research from investigators at the University at Buffalo, who examined 193 newly-married couples over three years to see what kinds of variables might predict greater marital satisfaction.

How could this be? Weren’t we always told the common wisdom — that we needed to be realistic in our relationships, and not look for that Knight in Shining Armor who comes to our rescue (or a Maiden trapped in a castle tower who needs rescuing)?

Apparently the common wisdom may need to be revisited, because continuing to idealize your partner long after the glow of the wedding fades away seems to help keep you happy.

Read on to learn more…
http://tinyurl.com/426svfk

------------------------------------------
- WORLDWIDE MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER FLASH MOB
I love this one. Makes me wish I’d thought of it – we could have done this at the opening of each Smart Marriages Conference. Taken a mob of 100 or so of us into the city square wherever we were meeting and flashed em.
We could have had a mob of thousands. Maybe NARME and the Marriage Fiesta can do this. Great way to let the locals know the show is in town. Watch the video to see how easy it would be to organize. For updates of upcoming Marriage Education Conferences: http://tinyurl.com/la8c33 - diane

April 16, 2011
Merritt Island, United States. The first of many flash mobs involving Worldwide Marriage Encounter couples from across North America was held Saturday (April 16, 2011) here at the Spring Suntree Festival. WWME couples from all over Central Florida participated in the surprise activity. Worldwide Marriage Encounter is the original faith based marriage enrichment program in this country, A YouTube video has been posted at Flash Mob Worldwide Marriage Encounter Melbourne Florida041611MelFlashMob.mp4 <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UR7dicczNTg>

“It is our hope that this flash mob activity is another way to place a positive emphasis on couples committed to marriage”, explained Jose and Marilyn Garcia and Fr. Mitch Walters, the North American Ecclesial Team for WWME. “This reach out effort demonstrates that marriages can last and be happy. It is the perfect time to capitalize on a phenomena that is spreading across North America.”

Scott and Karen Seaborn and Fr. Tom Griffith, SVD, who serve as the United States Ecclesial Team for the WWME movement, added, “We know that couples involved with Worldwide Marriage Encounter communities across the U.S. will be holding their own flash mob events in July. These couples want to show others that marriages can remain strong and vibrant over many years.”

“The exact locations will be a surprise to those watching, but again we want people to look at marriage in a positive light,” they added.

“This truly will be a North American activity as there are plans to have similar activities in various provinces of Canada” said Eric and Lupita Goodwin and Fr. John Persaud, the Canadian Ecclesial Team for WWME. “We believe such events will bring an even stronger emphasis on the benefits of attending a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend,” they added.

Worldwide Marriage Encounter has been offering weekend experiences for over 42 years and is considered the original faith-based marriage enrichment program. The programs are continually updated to keep abreast of changes in society, and WWME now offers evening and half-day programs that are presented at parishes and other church facilities. The weekend program, traditionally presented as an overnight experience at a hotel or retreat center, can also be presented at the parish where the couples return to their homes in the evenings. WWME has a presence in over 90 countries, which makes it the largest pro-marriage movement in the world. In North America, the WWME programs are presented in English, Spanish, French, and Korean languages.

Worldwide Marriage Encounter offers married couples the opportunity to spend time together away from the busyness of the world to focus on each other. It offers tools for building and maintaining a strong, Christian marriage in today’s world. To learn more about the Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekends online, go to wwme.org , or you can call 1-800-795-LOVE (English) and 1-800-599-AMOR (Spanish), or contact the WWME Office at (909) 863-9963.

Media inquires should be directed to:
Dick & Diane Baumbach (321) 544-3440
http://tinyurl.com/69wnnmn

WHAT IS A FLASH MOB:
From Wikipedia: A flash mob (or flashmob) is a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and sometimes seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then disperse, often for the purposes of entertainment and/or satire. Flash mobs are organized via telecommunications, social media, or viral emails. The term, coined in 2003, is generally not applied to events and performances organized for the purposes of politics (such as protests, commercial advertisement, publicity stunts, that involve public relation firms, or paid professionals.

SMART MARRIAGES MEMORY LANE:
And, on the same WWME YouTube page I saw the link to ‘WWME at Smart Marriages’ – a video clip I’d never seen that let me stroll down the memory lane of the exhibit area at the 2010 Smart Marriages Conference. It was the end of the show with a bunch of you already packed up, but I got to see many of the exhibits and most poignantly to hear the voice of the recently departed George Doub’s as he’s talking to Glen Bloomstrom. Now I’m all choked up – listening to George, but also just seeing so many of you. - diane
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LXskszAXv0&NR=1
_______________________________________
- CROSS CULTURAL RESOURCE
Regarding the question about resources for cross-cultural marriages, we have used a book, In Love But Worlds Apart – Insights, Questions and Tips for the Intercultural Couples, by Greta Shelling. Greta is married cross-culturally, has lived for years cross-culturally, and has worked with many people from different countries while living in Europe. She has also has experience with people from the middle-east. It is a very practical book suggesting questions that need to be pursued by the couple and giving practical examples of how things often work out unexpectedly in cross-cultural situations. The book is available at Amazon with a 4.5 rating.

Our experience living cross-culturally for many years is that we all make assumptions based on our own cultural background and experience. Therefore I never think of asking the question that would give me necessary information and the person on the other side of the conversation never dreams that I don't know this tidbit of information and therefore doesn't offer it. But asking a lot of questions and taking time to learn other cultures is a rich and rewarding experience.

Coralee Murray

- 70 WAYS BOREDOM CAN KILL A MARRIAGE (WITH WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO LOSE INTEREST THAN MEN)
April 2011
This one from the UK Marriage News: www.2-in-2-1.co.uk reminds us of why including PLAY in our marriage education programs is so crucial. All Marriage Education programs emphasize playing together but some are more focused than others – like 10 GREAT DATES and MAKING MUSIC IN YOUR MARRIAGE http://tinyurl.com/3ub726f (both available as TOOB kits) – and just standing on the COUPLE COMMUNICATION http://tinyurl.com/3hpds8c mats feels like dancing. The research finds that the boredom problem increases with the empty nest which is why you should all have the Arp’s SECOND HALF of MARRIAGE http://tinyurl.com/4yq6uv8 program in your tool kit – also a TOOB (teach out of the box program).   I also highly recommend Barry McCarthy’s Marital Sex as It Ought to Be – listen together on your next 90-min car trip, it’s hard to be bored if sex is working as it ought to be: http://tinyurl.com/3w7pdus You can also take McCarthy’s course on how to help couples Restore and Revitalize Marital Sexuality:
http://tinyurl.com/yc2qft9.

Become a COUPLES COMMUNICATION instructor trained directly by Sherod and Phyllis Miller May 20-21 in beautiful Evergreen Colorado: http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/16

Women are more likely to become bored in a marriage than men, according to a study says the Daily Mail <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1380258/70-ways-boredom-kill-marriage-women-likely-lose-men.html> . The research showed that while men are more likely to be bored with a partner outside of marriage, for those couples who had tied the knot the roles reversed.

For the study, 88 couples – including one who had been married for 36 years – were asked about their relationship. The answers included nearly 70 varying descriptions of boredom. A second group of people were then given a list of these descriptions and asked which ones they identified with in their own relationships.

A relationship being ‘dull’ was the most commonly picked answer, with lack of fun, lack of conversation and lack of romance also scoring highly. ‘The relationship feels like a chore’ was also a popular pick. Some complained that the ‘butterflies’ they had once felt in their stomach had vanished, while others felt they were in their partner’s shadow. A third experiment showed that this check list, or ‘Relational Boredom Scale’ was specific enough to pick out relationship boredom from general boredom or depression. The research also revealed marriage to be more boring than dating – and not just because of the amount of time spent together.

Researcher Beverley Fehr, of the University of Winnipeg in Canada, said: ‘Those who are dating might experience less boredom because they can more readily extricate themselves from a relationship once boredom sets in.’

Writing in the journal Personal Relationships, Professor Fehr added: ‘If a close relationships researcher were to approach people on the street and ask, “What is the major obstacle to lasting love?”, we suspect that the most frequent answers would be “conflict”, “betrayal”, “selfishness” and the like.

‘We would be quite surprised if anyone replied “boredom” and yet that may be the correct answer – or at least one correct answer.’

But there are ways to reach beyond the tedium of an imperfect marriage and reignite your interest in each other, says Barbara Baker also in the Daily Mail <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1378141/Break-habit--Why-cherish-Mr-All-Right.html> . So why do thousands of women, crave freedom from their marriage? Infidelity? Redundancy? A diminished sex life? No, boredom.

‘These are educated women in their 40s and 50s,’ says Amy Richards, author of Opting In, which explores motherhood and marriage. ‘They’ve done everything by the book – university, career, marriage, children. At this age they know life is going to get tougher – illness, bereavement. It’s no surprise that they find themselves auditing their marriage and asking, “Why am I staying in this relationship?”’

Opinion polls back up this theory. A 2010 Saga survey of over-50 couples who divorce revealed that one woman in four does so because she finds her husband ‘emotionally cold and distant’. Considering that 65 per cent of divorces are petitioned by females, the message is loud and clear: adultery is no longer the main reason to leave your man – an unsatisfying, boring relationship is.

Psychotherapist and behaviour expert Marisa Peer believes that part of the problem is due to modern society. ‘Our ancestors never had time to be bored with one another. Someone working down the mines saw his wife for an hour a day. If you were upper class your husband conducted business in London all the time,’ she says.

Relate marriage guidance counsellor Christine Northam believes that ‘boredom is normal. As a relationship grows, boredom can set in easily, causing untold problems if you don’t pay attention to the warning signs.’

Relationships counsellor Keren Smedley, author of Who’s That Sleeping in My Bed? The Art of Relationships for Grown-ups, sympathises. ‘Boredom in marriage occurs when people take each other for granted,’ she says. ‘When you first get together with someone, you want to meet their every wish. But as time goes by you stop thinking about them – preferring to tell them your problems rather than asking how they are. We all do it: get home, off-load, do the chores and then go to bed. You need to invest in a relationship.’

Linda and Chris tried counselling. Their therapist believed a lack of intimacy was at the heart of their problems: ‘Now we’re trying to carve out more time together in the bedroom. At first I felt awkward, but finding that intimacy between us again is helping,’ says Linda. Keren explains, ‘In a long marriage you’ve got to find a way to re-create the relationship, so that you and it change at the same time.’ ‘Problems occur when the children leave and you haven’t found new interests’

Researchers have discovered that unless couples work together to eradicate tedium, the problem doesn’t go away – it gets worse. In 2009 the first study into boredom in marriages was published by researchers at the University of Michigan in the US. They interviewed couples in their 30s at year seven of their marriage, and again at year 16. The results were unequivocal: those bored at year seven were even more dissatisfied at year 16. In fact, any satisfaction that they’d still had with their relationship had
also disappeared.

The French believe everyone benefits from le jardin secret: a place or hobby that’s exclusive to you. Marisa Peer adds, ‘Couples who marry in their 40s are much better at marriage. You won’t hear them complaining of boredom; they have two cars, two TVs, two sets of interests outside the relationship.’

Yet Christine Northam says that the most vulnerable couples to be affected by boredom are those approaching retirement: ‘The Office of National Statistics released a report stating that the fastest rising divorce group is the over-50s.’ Marisa Peer isn’t surprised: ‘I’m seeing more women who are dreading their husband’s retirement – they don’t know what they’re going to say to him if he’s at home all day. If they’ve been married for a long time, they find it very hard to adapt.

Christine Northam sees this often: ‘Depression is really common after retirement. I’d definitely advise counselling to explore that shift in feelings.’   Lara alleviated her weariness towards her marriage when she explored why she felt that way – her daughter and her grandchildren had recently moved out of the neighbourhood.

Keren Smedley sympathises: ‘When you have children it’s an intense time – you have bad patches, but you’re never bored. It’s after the children have gone and you haven’t adjusted or found new interests and things to talk about that problems occur.   ‘However, it’s very difficult to leave a marriage. You have to be in a really desperate place – not being talked to, not being cherished, not being looked after. No one should leave without trying to make it better. You can walk out of a film because you’re bored, but not a marriage.’
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Link Exchange Opportunity

2011-04-24T09:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Webmaster,

I have recently visited your site on the web, and found it not only useful but also informative. As well, I am wondering if we could exchange links with each other? A Link exchange with similar websites like ours would not only promote both websites but also help both of us in providing relevant informational services for users. I certainly would very much like this opportunity to exchange links with you.

Just reply to me if you are interested and I will get back to you with the right proposal.

Regards,
Rina

diane307.dabadoo@blogger.com USA Pharmacy-Discount ID2430

2011-04-22T20:29:00.001-04:00

Click here!

Tina Fey's A Mother's Prayer for Her Daughter - 4/13/11

2011-04-13T23:36:00.001-04:00

The Mother’s Prayer for Its Daughter
Tina Fey from her new book Bossypants, 2011

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

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Facebook Settings - 4/13/11

2011-04-13T11:33:00.001-04:00

- FACEBOOK TRAFFIC

I was wondering what was going on....why I was only seeing certain people on Facebook and everyone else had disappeared. Then read this from Priscilla Hunt, fixed my settings (it’s easy), and things are much improved. Pass it on:

“Have you noticed that you are only seeing updates in your newsfeed from .......the same people lately? Have you also noticed that when you post things like status messages, photos and links, the same circle of people are commenting and everyone else seems to be ignoring you?

Don't worry, everyone still loves you and nobody has intentionally blocked you. The problem is that a large chunk of your friend/fan list can't see anything you post and here's why:

The "New Facebook" has a newsfeed setting that by default is automatically set to show ONLY posts from people who you've recently interacted with or interacted the most with (which would be limited to the couple of weeks just before people started switching to the new profile). So in other words, for both business and personal pages, unless your friends/fans commented on one of your posts within those few weeks or vice versa - you are now invisible to them and they are invisible to you!!

HERE'S THE FIX: On the homepage click Newsfeed, and then click the "Most Recent" at the top right of the Newsfeed, then click on the drop down arrow beside it and select "Edit Options" at the bottom of the box, click on "Show Posts From" and change the setting to "All Of Your Friends and Pages" (you can also access the "Edit Options" link at the very bottom of the facebook homepage on the right) Note: Business pages do not have a newsfeed however page owners should adjust the settings on their personal accounts.

The good news is: now you can now view all of your friends and fans again. The bad news is: YOU ARE STILL INVISIBLE to a large portion of your list. You must get the word out to ALL of your friends and fans so they can adjust their settings. So foreword this to your Facebook friends, fans.”

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